Not cool.

So, the cleanse.....within three days, I was puking and so weak that I could barely move...but I lost 5 pounds! Not worth it. Not worth it at all. So, what a week. I am having some mixed emotions. Here is the story. When I was 14, I was sexually abused by an uncle. Many times over a two day period. My lovely relatives decided to believe him instead of me and to try to convince me to just "forget about it and forgive him". Not quite how it works. You can forgive, but to forget? To sit in a room with the man again and pretend that I like him? Not cool. In grade twelve, I finally went to the cops and spilled all. Including a letter that my aunt sent me admitting his guilt but calling me a slut and asking for it. Since then, my relatives have been awful. They finally kicked me out of the family about 4 years ago. Told me that they had had a family meeting and decided that they wanted nothing to do with me. Problem....my grandpa, who was probably the worst to me out of anyone, is dying. He has dimentia and is having many mini strokes a day. Do I go visit? Do I go say goodbye? Does it really matter at all seeing as I am not part of his family anymore?

My dad, this is his family, is there right now saying goodbye. He told me that they all still don't believe me and don't want me there but would like us to at least be friends. To be civil to each other. Seriously?!?!?! Are you kidding me?!?!?!?!? It doesnt' quite work that way. I don't know what to think. I guess in the back of my mind, family is supposed to be something that is a support system. They are supposed to love you no matter what. They don't have the choice of if you want them or not. No matter how hard things get.

I guess I am wrong. So here goes,

Dear Grandpa,

I am sorry to hear about your impending death. NOT! I am only sorry that you get to take the hurt and the lies with you and escape all the pain. You do not deserve this. You were so mean to me. You lied to me constantly. You were cruel to me. You turned the whole family against me. You blamed my dad for my situation and hurt him worse than you will ever know. I am not sure how long it will take to forgive you. I can proudly say that I have forgiven my uncle, but you....I am not sure. I feel sorry for you. I am sorry that you never knew me. That you never knew my personal integrity. That you never saw how kind I can be. That you were such a pompous jerk, that you could only see your own crown and you could not see beneath you. I will thank you though. Thank you for giving me my dad. Thank you for showing us what not to be. Thank you for giving me a compass to compare my spouse to. For showing me what I didn't want and where I didn't want to go. For this I thank you. Good luck when you get to heaven. You will have to atone for your sins like the rest of us. I sure wish I could be a fly on the wall when God asks you about your life. About how mean you were and how horrible you were to people that you should have loved. I now release you. I will pray that you go quickly. That the pain is not too much. You are not my grandpa. You never were and you never will be and so with that said.....goodbye.

Sincerely,

Dawn

Insomnia.....and plastic surgery.....

I have insomnia. I hate to sleep. I never go to sleep easily and wish that people didn't actually need sleep to survive. It drives my husband crazy. It is 1:33 a.m. and I am typing this and watching tv. I should be in bed. I have to wake up early. Tomorow is a big day! Husband and I are starting a cleanse. We are going to do it for 12 days. That is the plan. Then we are going to eat for a few weeks as we are going on holidays. I know, I know. The cleanse probably sucks. It is probably unhealthy. I am doing it anyways. I need to lose weight so that I can sleep again.

I have tried it all. I have had personal trainers, I have worked out up to 18 hours a week, I have followed every diet out there (being Celiac, they are hard to do), and nothing works. People cut out the dumbest things in the world and they manage to lose weight. I don't drink, I don't eat fast food, I don't eat desserts, I don't bake, I don't snack, I don't eat breads or anything like that....and I am fat! Husband is starting to realize it as well.

He cannot figure out why I don't lose weight. I lost 55 lbs and then just hit a plateau. I am doing pilates now, and swimming and hoping that these help. We will see. I am not thinking that they will work either! So positive, aren't I?

I am actually considering plastic surgery. I am considering having liposuction and a tummy tuck. I found a doctor in Vancouver that looks good. I am not even sure that I would tell anyone. I would just go on holidays and come home a lot skinnier.

I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I feel like I am getting sick and cannot figure out how to change this pathway I am on. I try the hot bath, the routines, the sleeping pills. Nothing works.

I need to go to bed. Oh, yeah! I got my first comment! Only two people know about this blog, that I know of, so if it is one of you? Thanks. Leave a name!

Later.

My husband....

Ten reasons why I love my husband....

1. He puts up with me. My moods, my past, my body....and just loves me anywhere.
2. If I can't sleep, he will rub my feet. This works every time.
3. He has an amazing work ethic. I am so proud of him. He can do anything he sets his mind to. Drives me nuts! He is too perfect!
4. He scratches my back all the time. He knows the exact spot to scratch everytime.
5. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry I laugh so hard....I love it!
6. He doesn't care what other people think. He is so confident in himself and me!
7. He lets me take care of him when he is sick. He is an ass! but he lets me.
8. He is so supportive of anything that I want to do. He will let me buy businesses, plan vacations for us to destinations of my choice (sometimes), he eats whatever I cook, he allows me to be me. To be free spirited.
9. He takes me clothes shopping and actually has fun!
And last but not least, because I could probably come up with another 50 things.....
10. He cops cheap feels all the time. In grocery stores, at peoples houses, at work, even in church. He is dirty and I love it! He is hilarious :)

I love you husband. You are an amazing friend, supporter, husband, lover, everything. You are more than I could every ask for. I love you and look forward to the next many years we will be together.

25 random things or more.....

1. My real name is Sherry. Not many people actually know that. I go by my middle name.
2. I have a really insane gluten allergy.
3. I have been with the husband, the love of my life for almost 13 years. I can't imagine my life without him. Our 9th wedding anniversary is in May. On our one month anniversary in grade 10 english class, we decided to be together for 52 years. He claims that he is sticking to this. That we will break up/get divorced and start the whole dating thing agin. Sad thing is? I think that he would actually do it! A man of his word!
4. Ever since my brain aneurysm, I have a spot on my back where if I push it, I pee instantly. The husband has actually made me pee my pants from this. I know, I know, TMI, but it is a really random thing about me.
5. I love to travel. I actually get stressed out about all the places I want to see and the fact that I am so old and will never actually get to see them all. Silly, I know.
6. I am not sure why I ever started this 25 things thing.
7. I love to cook. Not normal foods, but things with ingredients that I have never used before.
8. I hate my hair. I want to have long flowing golden locks and can't do it. My hair is too fine and it isn't ever going to happen. I am slowly coming to this realization and it is sad. I almost cried.
9. I am legally only 10 years old. I have been legally dead. The doctor said I can go to court and change my birthday if I want. Not sure I will till I am maybe, like, 80.
10. I love mexican food. I hate that I am celiac and wish that I didn't get that sick from eating it, because otherwise I would eat it every day.
11. I am excited for my upcoming trip to Terrace to reconnect with old friends. I am a little too excited.
12. I cannot have children. I hate it. I hate being asked why I don't have any. I hate being asked why I don't adopt. I hate mothers day. I hate fathers day (sorry dad!).
13. I love to read. I will read anything, except really deep stuff! I read to escape. I love it and read way too much.
14. I love color in my house but am completely indecisive. I have 13 colors in my house. I want to repaint constantly. I think I might actually have a problem! According to Chad I do. I am not allowed to paint again for a long time. I have been forbidden.
15. I have insomnia really bad. My sleep and wake cycle changed a long time ago and I am the most productive when I go to bed at 4 or 5 am and sleep till noon. It is completely not productive but if I am having a rough time, I revert to this.
16. I have a dog. A house dog. A little dog. Something that I said I would never do. And I love her. She is a toy fox terrier and is 7 pounds and has a completely bitchy attitude and I love it! She is hilarious.
17. I like to take on too much but hate to finish things. This is something that I hate about myself.
18. I work a full time job and am considered a career woman. Not sure I like it. I need to though in case the husband gets really sick again and can't work again.
19. I also own a business. I am not sure why. I love it though and the people that work for me are awesome.
20. I wish that I was more crafty. I try. I really do. I have a room full of my crap. Half knit quilt, have crocheted scarves, half scrapbooked pictures. Half sewn rag quilts. I am not sure I will ever finish anything. It drives me nuts and causes me a great amount of stress everytime I walk into the room. You think that this would motivate me to finish something! Not happening!
21. I have 4 aunties that have become my replacement moms. I love them more than I think they could ever know.
22. I want to take a girls vacation. I want to run away and be girls and shop and giggle and check out guys (Jillian...the spanish ones in Tapas bars?) but just have fun. I will take care of the accomodations, anyone up for it?
23. I started a blog. Nobody knows this. Oops. It is where I vent and cry and write my dreams and fears and all that good stuff. It is my release. I love it.
24. I wish I had eloped. Why the hell do people have big weddings? Chad and I were talking about it the other day and are not sure we had anything to do with our wedding. We were so young and spent way to much energy trying to make other people happy. I wish some days I could redo it. One day.
25. I love watching tv. I am not sure why, it is lame! I like reality shows, news, soap operas, hgtv, food network, the works. I struggle to not be addicted and am not, right now, I don't think.
26. I have no sense of style. I am not sure why I don't. I try, really hard. I am just a lame dresser and have no skill at it whatsoever.
27. I have a hard time keeping friends. I have a very challenging life and I think that it is a little overwhelming for people. The friends I have, I think they love me out of pity some times but some have been there for a very long time and I appreciate them more than they will ever know.
28. This is the year that I am going to pay off a lot of debt and get control of my life.
29. I will be 29 on April 10th. I am terrified. I feel like I am getting so old and that I am running behind on everything. I am almost 30! I know that this is ridiculous. I am young and yet the truth is? I never actually expected to live this long. I now feel like I have a lot of living to do.
30. I am fat. Not obese insane fat, just a good 50 pounds overweight. Will I ever be skinny? I am not sure. I struggle with this everyday. I have had an eating disorder in the past and have to try every day to not have another one.
31. I can't believe that I started a blog. I became one of them. I do think though that it is going to be good for me. I think that because it is not a book that people can find, or notes in my house that people can find. I think that I will be more honest here.
32. I have actually set up time next week to deal with crap. I have set aside days of time sitting in a hotel by myself to actually write and vent and deal with at least one of the things on my list. Maybe more. I am excited and scared and not sure I want to deal with any of it. I am OCD though and know that if it is scheduled then it will get done. I am that way.

I am done. I know that there are more than 25 things, but this is it. Randomness.

Dreaming.....

Treasure Cay, Abaco Island in the Bahamas. This is where I want to be. Where I can sip Pina Coladas, get an amazing tan, and have no worries.

I decided to write a post of the positives. If I ever get the nerve to let anyone read this, there will have to be a few positives for the negatives.

1. My husband. Amazing. The coolest person I have ever met. Not sure how I got him, but he is here for good, supposedly :) , and loves me to no end. The greatest feeling ever.

2. My house. We bought an older house and have proceeded in redoing most of it. I love it. It is mine and comfortable and needs more love and work, but that will come.

3. Travelling. In the last three years I have gone to Disneyland, the Bahamas, Las Vegas, Hawaii, Spain, Disneyworld, the Bahamas on a cruise, the Bahamas again just because, Banff, to visit family and friends in many locations around Canada, to Terrace, and will not stop any time soon I hope.

4. Food. I love to cook. I love to try wierd and new recipes. I love to put on a feast for people and have them in awe of what I have created. One of my downfalls? Not sure. Love it though. Could not handle just eating plain boring food forever. Not fun.

5. My job. I could possibly have the most amazing boss ever. I work for a road building/heavy duty equipment company. I am the office manager and a National Construction Safety Officer. I am on salary and work when I want. If there is something to do, I do it. If not, I sleep in and stay at home and putter with my business and a lot of other things.

Those are some main ones. I really shouldn't complain, should I...... So, why is it that life is still so hard? Why did I get the sick husband, and the screwed up family and all the other crap?


That is ok.

I will survive.........

I will dream of the beach......the ocean......the palm trees......and the amazing tan.....that will get me through everything.

And here we go....

I don't remember the first time that I was told that I should write a book of my life. So, here is my version of life. I am not sure why I started a blog, other than the fact that I need an outlet to vent somedays and I am not sure that I could say most of this out loud.

My life.......is........ not like the average persons. People always say to not dwell on the past. I am not sure how you just move on when such crap seems to always happen. I am having a rough night. I am not sure why. I am incredibly depressed today. I have so much running through my mind right now that I am not even sure where to start.

1. My mom is dead. I am not sure how to deal with this. I am so angry at her right now. Not at the fact that she is dead but at other things that happened before she died and I am not sure how to let all of this go with no closure on the whole thing. I will deal with this later.

2. My grandpa is dying. The man that has lied to me and hurt me more than you could possibly ever imagine. The hatred, the lying, the pain is insane! and now he gets to leave this earth and take it all with him and not ever deal with me again. How is that fair? I am not sure I can deal with that right now.

3. Husband is sick. He is dying of Chrohn's disease and I am not sure how I will be ok if he has to stop working again. He is on a good medication right now that has stopped working quite as efficiently as it should. How much time do I have with him? Again, a whole other post for a different day.

4. Someone is sabotaging my business. Someone wants me to fail. I am not sure how to fix it. I have so many people counting on me. I wish that I could sell it but if you look at number 3, you will understand why I need to keep it going. Life insurance doesn't happen for people with a disease.

5. On top of it all, I have a full time job that I have to do. I am also the cook, bookkeeper, house cleaner and everything else that is needed at home.

I am tired. I was talking to a friend lately and she said to take one item at a time and deal with it then. I don't know how. I am a christian and love God. I make that statement with a numbness that I shouldn't have. I feel sometimes that I have been abandoned by God. I have a strong base to my faith and know that I am not alone, but it is harder to convince my heart of this even though my head knows.

I guess that this is the start. This is where I am going to tell the truth. Where I am planning on telling my life story. Where I am going to start dealing with my hurt.


And here we go.......