This last week has been a hard one. I am prepping mentally to go back to UL and am trying to allow my feelings to come out and to not be so closed off. Part of this is that I am praying that God will prep me for my week. Yeah. Probably should not have done that. I started having flashbacks last week. Memories that I have blocked for about 16 years. It sucks. I have been having flashbacks for the last few days and it is awful. Feelings, emotions, memories or more like trauma! and it is all flooding in like a tidal wave. I am also realizing a lot about my past. It is amazing when you start to actually analyze your life and your emotions what you find.
Husband has been making me talk. Like how I word that? I think he is sick of me hurting and holding it all in. What a shock to him! Ask me to open up? Oh boy oh boy. I am not afraid of that. We were talking the other day and he asked me "why do you feel so guilty all the time?" I had no answer. I always feel guilty. I feel guilty when I do nothing wrong. I feel guilty when there might be something that I did wrong. I feel guilty for things that have nothing to do with me. I realized in talking that I have been feeling guilty my whole life! I have been conditioned. I remember my mom telling me to feel guilty. "Oh Dawn....you should feel guilty for that. Think of how your siblings feel". I have spent my entire life terrified of succeeding, terrified of being too good at anything, too pretty, too skinny, too fat, too outspoken, too timid. For enjoying things I maybe shouldn't. For feeling things I shouldn't. I have been blamed for things. Oh the things. For things that would blow your mind. It is ridiculous. And I had no idea about this guilt until this week. Thanks Husband.
How do you uncondition yourself? How do you stop something that comes so naturally to you? How do you change something that is at the core of your being? How do you change something SO FREAKIN HUGE????? This is my week. This is what I am trying to deal with. I sure wish I could go somewhere and take a magic pill and just be fixed. You know what I mean??? I hate this. I want help. I want healing. I keep praying and trying to heal and it is working. Slowly but surely. It is just hard when I want it to just happen right away. Instant gratification, you know?
But, other than that, I have had an OK week. I have been working hard. Getting a lot done. This is good. We received a huge answer to prayer today which was nice. I am starting to plan our Christmas trip. I am not excited yet to go. Right now, it just seems so overwhelming and exhausting but I know that we need to go and that it will be good once we are there. Seems like my life lately. Not wanting to go or do anything but it is good once I am there. Man. I need out of this funk that I keep falling into. Some days? Like today were awesome. Some days? Suck. It is ridiculous. Insane. I am good though. I am dealing with my life and things are going to be good. I can't wait to deal with more crap at UL.
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