Hard

I am reading a book right now by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Wow. It is hard to read. It is about changes in your life and your past and how to deal with it and understand it in order to make your present and future better. I have never gotten so mad reading a book before! It is insane. I have struggled my entire life. With feeling connected to people, with letting me be me, with feeling loved, with every piece of me. I have always wondered how other people feel so happy. How they feel so normal and with it and why does it seem like I am the only one!!!

I am now realizing that my past sucks. Not my life, but different things that have happened even in the womb that have changed how I am now. I am really mad about this. I was talking to my sister the other day and telling her about the section of the book that talks about bonding. I never realized that this was my big problem, until I read the book. I then found out that when my mom was pregnant with me, she didn't want me. I should word that different. She was so traumatized from my sisters birth that she was terrified to have me. I guess that she stuggled with me for a long time. She had a hard time connecting to me and fully loving me. The BONDING didn't happen.

Man. That came out of no where. I was so shocked to hear that. I was not sure how to take it. I started reading my book again and it all started to make sense. Now, how do I deal with this. How to connect again? How to deal with this and let go of this new anger that I have towards my mom. Should I be mad at her? I feel right now that I should be. She set me up for failure. Did she know what she was doing? No. Did she get mad at me and judge me my entire life for the problems that stemmed from this? YES!!! She did. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Yearly. I don't remember a time that I felt fully loved and accepted from her. Now she is dead. I can't even fix this. I can't have closure with her. I don't know how to deal.

Where do I go from here.....