Just wondering....

I was driving to work today and the thought entered my head..."why is it, when you are not going a hundred miles per hour, that you get instantly depressed?"

I have struggled with this for while. When I was 14, I was sexually abused by my uncle. I will not go into details at to what he did to me, but it was damaging both physically and mentally. The whole time he was doing what he did, he would whisper in my ear. He would tell me how much he loved my body and how he wanted to make it his, etc. This went on and on, for hours over a 2 day period. Mainly at night when everyone else was sleeping.

After we went home, I struggled a lot with hearing his voice. If it was ever quiet or lonely, I would hear his voice and feel his hands. I still do every once in a while. I realized today that this is probably why I like to read happy/romance/cheesy books before I go to bed. Why I read till I actually pass out, not just get tired. I want to fill my mind with happy love and I am also still a little nervous about falling asleep.

I have dealt with a lot since then, and evertime something goes wrong, I can ignore it in the day time, but once things are quiet (even in the middle of the day) or it is time for bed, my mind relaxed enought to actually release the feelings. When my mom died, I would wake up sobbing. Husband claims he hardly slept for a month or so, because of this.

I am finding that it is happening a lot more lately. If I am driving, but not on the phone or listening to music. If I am cooking, and not talking to someone or watching tv. If I am sitting by myself at all and just relaxing, these thought all come back to me. 29 years worth of negative crap and it attacks me. It eats me up! It is insane.

This is my year of healing. It started on September 20th and is going strong. I am allowing myself to feel. I am allowing myself to hurt. I am demanding healing and that I deal with issues. I am going to a phycologist and doing the whole therapy/couch thing. I want change.

I wonder how I am going to deal with this though? How do you stop yourself from sinking? How do you stop yourself from feeling and these thoughts that just won't stop coming? It scares me to actually live with these emotions that these thoughts bring. I am scared that if I try to deal with these issues, fully grieve them, that it will be too much and I will get too depressed and it will kill me.

I guess I will have to ask the doctor tomorow.