Family....or not....

I need help.

I do not know how to feel.

Yesterday I got a call from my dad informing me that my grandma has cancer and it could be bad.  I am trying to decide if I care.  I know that sounds harsh.  Let me give you some background.

When I was 14, I was sexually abused by my uncle.  Not cool.  I told my parents who told the family and tried to deal with it in their own way.  In their defence, they were both raised in strong mennonite homes in which you bury your head in the sand and don't deal with things.  They tried their hardest and the relatives just ignored it.  To show support, my aunt and uncle sent their three daughters to his house a few weeks later for him to babysit.  Sick.  Sick and wrong if you ask me.

This has been an ongoing issue with the extended family now for a long time.  16 whole years to be exact. Since then, I have gone to the cops, just to have to cancel everything because I had a brain aneurysm and was forbid from the doctors to deal with it for three years (they think the stress of it all caused my aneurysm), gone to Manitoba to talk to them, had numerous phone calls, face to face visits, etc....just to have them phone me and kick me officially out of the family about 5 years ago.  Yup.  Very cool people.  Want their numbers? They rock! No one has tried to even talk to me about what happened.  My mom was killed two years ago and a whole bunch of them came to the funeral including this grandma.  She didn't even say hi.  She did not hug me or even try to talk to me.  She has been married to my prick of a grandpa for over 50 years and I don't think she even knows what all happened.  I think that she has spent so long being the submissive housewife that she is not the real her anymore.  I loved this grandma.  She was amazing.....for those first 14 years.  She cooked with me and did crafts with me and would let me style her hair.  She was warm and loving and hid if from a lot of people.  She would cuddle with me and hug me and would tell me she loved me.  I have only good memories of her.

So, here is the thing.  Do I go see her? Up till now, it was not possible because the family would not let me see her but the old prick is in a home now dying and she is home alone.  I could drive down there with no one knowing it and see her.  I could talk to her and hug her and ...... I don't even know.  I don't know if it will help or not.  After my mom's funeral, she was at my dad's house and just watched me.  She had tears in her eyes and looked like she wanted to talk but was not allowed.  I have some mean relatives that will not even let her near me.  I am not sure why.  She is 84 and having surgery soon and I don't know if it will hurt if she dies because there was a lack of relationship or if it will be like any other old lady dying.  

I could ignore all this, as I would never see her again anyways, but will it hurt too much?

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and don't pass this to anyone who knows all this stuff, because they will find a way to ban me from going if I decide to.

Do I go?

Do I just mourn her now?

I have forgiven her, why does this hurt so much?

Do stay home?

Husband is no help.  He will go or he will stay, but he will not tell me what to do.  He is not close to his family so he has no idea what this feels like.

Wanna know how my dad found out? My sister read it on a cousins facebook page and told him.  Ouch..