Oh boy oh boy oh boy.....

I am totally freaking out right now.

A little history.  Life.  As I know it.  Has had a huge suckage factor in the past.

Does that make sense? I have had a crazy life.  Insane.  Fun.  Insane.  Crazy.  I don't even know how to describe it.  At times it has been good, at times it has been bad.  At times it has been awful and I am actually surprised that I am still here to be honest.

September 19th of last year started a week I will never forget.  I went to Ultimate Leadership in Laguna Beach California.  Yup.  I did.  (and yes I went to Disney for a day while I was there!!!) It changed me.  It made me face my past and deal with parts of it.  It gave me tools to live again and to move past the hurt.  It made me a different person.  No one can attest to that more than Husband.  He was amazed and skeptical and is now just amazed.

He is also worried.  From when I got home from that till now, our life has been nuts.  We lost jobs, had health issues, moved, sold a business, bought a business and a lot of headaches with it, dealt with family drama, had health issues and have I told you that this is all in the last 12 months? And it was a quiet year.  Yesterday, we left a meeting and we were driving home and he asked me how I was doing.  You see, I have been going numb.  I feel like I have slowly been going downhill over the last few months.  Maybe I tested my skills a little too much in the last few months and I don't have enough.  I am getting worried.  I can see myself developing allergies again (I tend to internalize a lot and have even managed to develop full celiac in the past from this) and dont' know how to stop it, I am having headaches all day every day, I am not sleeping like I used to, I am starting to feel depressed again and am not knowing how to pull myself out of it.  It does not help that in moving, I have no friends here and have had to leave behind my psychiatrist and my support group of friends.  I have a few amazing friends out there and a great family, but they are not HERE.  In my day to day life.  They are a phone call away and seeing as my number is blocked, they don't answer the calls half the time when I do call! That is OK.  That is my fault.

So, we had this big conversation where we talked about this and where it is leading and what I am going to do about it.  Well, we have come to a decision.

I am leaving in a month to go back to Ultimate Leadership.  I cannot afford it, and I think that this is all nuts.  I am terrified.  I am nervous.  Is it because I know what to expect? How good/bad/hard it will be? I am also insanely self conscious and so the idea with being somewhere with no safety net of someone I know is hard.  I am also proud.  I am proud of myself that I am getting to the point where I can see that there are problems and I can address them before getting to the point of doing something stupid.  Last year when I signed up, I was sitting at my desk typing a suicide letter.  Yup.  I was that far gone.  I am also mad at myself for not being able to deal with life.  Why do I have such a hard time with that? What is my issue? Why can I not be like other people and just deal? But, that is not who I am.  Last year, I scratched the surface on the hurt in my life and I think it is time to dig even more.  I think that it is time to deal with more.  Husband is on board and is proud of me, I think.  We have talked about it that maybe I just need a yearly tune-up! I hope not forever, but if this is what I need for now to keep growing and increasing my faith and my life, then so be it.  I am not afraid of that.

Is it also crazy to be nervous of what people think of me? Is that just human nature? I am scared that when I tell my friends and family what I am doing, they are going to wonder why I need it again.  They were so skeptical of me last time and why I went.  What will they think of me this time? Will I look like a failure to them? Will they think that I am off my rocker?

Does it matter?

I know that I need this.
I am not going to let myself ever get to that point of darkness again.
I will deal with my past.
I will not let these hurts bother me forever.
I need to do this.  For me and for others around me that might need help dealing with their lives.

"I serve a God who is able to keep me from falling
A God who will do exceedingly
A God who will never leave or forsake me
A God who never leaves
He's ever true"
               ~Friday's Cry "A God Who is Able"  (My favorite song)


If you are curious about my last week there, read my blog from September of last year.  I wrote some of the time.  I will probably again.

Wow.  Now to book the plane ticket.