April 7th, 1998-The day I kicked a brain aneurysm's butt

I was laying on the couch resting.

Spaghetti and meat sauce simmering on the stove.

The door opened.

Husband was there.

He leaned over to kiss me and as I stood up I screamed.

I collapsed on the floor holding my head.

I tried to crawl away from him.

I wouldn't stop screaming.

He chased me through the house.

I was on my hands and knees.

This is where I start to forget.

I remember yelling "no...don't bring me there! They will give me needles!"

I was in so much pain.

We arrived at the hospital.

I was shaking.

So hard.

I remember them trying to warm me up.

I was so cold.

I remember the pain.

The fear.

Thinking I was going to die.

I remember crying.

I remember looking up and seeing the pastor, my mom, dad, Husband (boyfriend at the time) standing at the foot of my bed in shock.

I remember going for tests.

I remember talking on the phone to my sister when medivac was wheeling me out.

That is all.

There are only vague memories after that.

Bits and pieces.

Pain.

A lot of pain.

And a lot of needles.

This day every year hits hard.  I always wake up with a headache.  I think as a reminder that life is too short.  I am always scared of this day.  Just a little.  This day makes me remember the pain.  The fear.  The trauma of the whole event.  I was almost 18.  Madly in love.  Grade 12.  Living life.  And it struck.  I had a brain aneurysm.

 Boyfriend sitting by my bed while I slept.

Don't I look happy? I remember trying to smile for this

Just before I left in an outfit chosen in a panic by family.  The hottie? My brain surgeon

Looking through photos from home.

What I saw every day.  Sister, mom and dad.  Such fake smiles.

In the first few days after.  Kinda gross.  I know.

Day 10.  They washed my hair.  It was a good day.

My favorite nurse.

There was a 50% chance that I would have another brain aneurysm in the next 10 years.  I am almost through 14.  I have beat the odds.  It still scares me sometimes.  When I have headaches that won't leave for days.  When taste buds go funny.  When things don't "feel" right.  I get scared.  I was so angry after.  Everything changed.  The steroids made me fat.  My eye color, skin color, hair color, personality....everything.  It all changed.  I forgot everything.  I still don't remember a lot of things.  I lost all my short term and lot of long term memory.  Funny story.  I remember sitting in the bathtub after I got home and was all of a sudden embarrassed.  I had no idea what to do! What are all these bottles? What do you do with them? Such silly problems I had to face.  And still do some days.

Husband saved my life that day.  He kept me alive.  He rushed me to the hospital and threatened a doctor to get me help.  He found my parents.  He was there.  He stayed.  Even when I changed.  Even when he didn't recognize me.  Even in a wheelchair.  He stayed.  Thank you.  I didn't deserve you.  I still wonder if I do.

I was so angry after.  I was mad at myself and God and my family and the doctors.  I was just mad.  Why me? I would ask myself and God.  Why? I still don't know.  I am still curious as to why I went through that.  It has changed my life in so many ways.  You have no idea how NOT amazing grad was for me! Prom? Not fun.  I got dressed up, went to the dinner, danced one dance and Husband brought me home and tucked me in.  Wore me out for days afterwards.  Wow.  I spent my 18th birthday in the hospital.  YEAH! I did graduate though! Only through pity, but I still did.

Will these fears ever leave? Does it mean I am not over it? Or is it just a healthy reminder to not dwell on the past and to live each day to the fullest.  I think I am "over" it as much as I can be.  Will I ever forget? No.  Is it bad that I remember this day so clearly every year? I don't know.  This year has kicked my ass when it comes to health and it started reminding me of that year.  What a year it was.  I still have a lovely scar.  My skull is not all the way attached (some bone chipped out of the wired in section so it is a rough odd edge.  It is attached though.  I hope!) and I have a lovely indent where the cut was.  I still have memory problems.  I still have screwed up hormones and less immune system than I should.  I still have headaches every single day.

But I am alive.

Brain aneurysm? I kicked your ass.  Just sayin.