February 1st 2012

So, I am not feeling too joyful today.  I will do the joy dare in another post.  But, I am feeling hopeful.

I have been really struggling these last few months with my view of myself and my confidence.  To say that the roommate situation beat me down is an understatement.  I have not been myself and it is now harming me and my mind, soul, body and business.

Tonight, Husband and I had a talk.  I am setting up some huge goals for myself for this year.  I need your help.  Can you guys keep me accountable? You know if you have read this blog for more than a week that I use this blog as a little too much of a personal diary.  I spew out information that no one is usually interested in reading, yet I am honest and will tell you if I am failing myself.  If nothing else? I can look back in one month, two months, etc and see how far I have come.  So here they are.

• Lose weight.  OK.  I know.  I have already said this, but what I have not said is how scared I am to lose more.  I have a fear of being skinny.  I realized that this week.  Not so much skinny as "normal".  What if I look ugly? What if people still look at me funny? (like I imagine they do now) What if I have no self control and can't actually lose any more? SO? I am kicking myself in the ass and getting on with it.  I am starting the diet again.  Like next Monday.  As in Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and voila! Gorge days starting on Monday. Wow.  Had no idea how soon that was :) I am going to do one 6 week session, stop for as long as I need to and then do another at least 3 week session.  I have booked a professional photographer for April so I need to look hot by then.  That is the plan at least and I am going to try! I am up a few pounds right now, hovering at 189 but that is OK.  I am doing a steak day tomorrow (seeing as how I am feeling sick anyways, who cares!) and that will set me back to my goal weight.  I should be able to lose (fingers crossed) about 35-45 lbs between now and my birthday.  So.  Am I excited? Not really.  Am I stubborn? No.  Not lately.  But I am going to do this.  And do a good job of it.  And I am going to lose the weight and celebrate a way healthier me.  A bigger post on what and how soon.  I promise.  And Tammy, wanna do it with me?????

Time to take this?



To this.  Ok, maybe not this small.  I was a little sick at this point, but a happy medium would be good.

• Read.  I want knowledge.  I want to learn more about my business and how to grow it.  I want to buy books and read the ones I have and find articles.  I want to retain the knowledge and do something with it.  I want to succeed.  I want to make my business huge.  And I finally have a reason.  I want to help people.  I want to do missions in my own way.  I want to find something I am passionate about and sink my teeth into it.  I want to help the poor.  I want to feed people.  I want to give stuff and money away.  I can only do that if I have something and money.  I want to read.  I want to go to seminars and conferences and be so passionate about what I do.  I want to excel.  I want to meet people and have them feel my passion.  I want to help my current "employees" to excel and succeed.  I want this.  And as of February 1st, I will do it.  I am vowing to spend at least 30 minutes a day reading.  Something that will give me knowledge.  I am on the hunt.  I will do this.  I will build this business and I will make myself proud.  I will not let people beat me down and make me feel useless.  I will do this.

I am starting this book and the study guide that I have to go with it.

• Become involved in a church.  I am not sure how to do this yet.  I am thinking a small group but my schedule is so random that I am not sure.  I am going to start with finding a church.  One that makes me excited to join it.  I am going to start by trying a few new churches and taking a serious look at what I want.  I want music.  I want passion.  I want young couples.  I want a group of people that don't care as much about the building and what they are wearing as they do about God and their hearts. I am on the search.

• I want to be a better me.  I want to give more time to making me feel real.  I want more time to find hobbies, more time to cook and enjoy life.  I want to ignore the family issues and just live.  I am sick of being sad.  I am sick of being depressed.  I am not saying I will not hurt, but I am going to try to over come.

• Save enough money to go to "Ultimate Leadership" next winter.  I have been twice and I want to go one more time.  I want to fix more of me and see how much better of a leader I can be.

So these are my lofty goals.  I will make sure I let you know how I am doing in all these areas.  We will see! I want it.  I do want to do these things and I start Monday.

Can I do it?