Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Not tired...

I keep thinking.  Do you ever do that? It is not even that late.  Husband is sick and in bed.  Has been for a long time.  I should go and join him but my brain is going 100 miles a minute.

This last week has been a hard one.  I am prepping mentally to go back to UL and am trying to allow my feelings to come out and to not be so closed off.  Part of this is that I am praying that God will prep me for my week.  Yeah.  Probably should not have done that.  I started having flashbacks last week.  Memories that I have blocked for about 16 years.  It sucks.  I have been having flashbacks for the last few days and it is awful.  Feelings, emotions, memories or more like trauma! and it is all flooding in like a tidal wave.  I am also realizing a lot about my past.  It is amazing when you start to actually analyze your life and your emotions what you find.

Husband has been making me talk.  Like how I word that? I think he is sick of me hurting and holding it all in.  What a shock to him! Ask me to open up? Oh boy oh boy.  I am not afraid of that.  We were talking the other day and he asked me "why do you feel so guilty all the time?" I had no answer.  I always feel guilty.  I feel guilty when I do nothing wrong.  I feel guilty when there might be something that I did wrong.  I feel guilty for things that have nothing to do with me.  I realized in talking that I have been feeling guilty my whole life! I have been conditioned.  I remember my mom telling me to feel guilty.  "Oh should feel guilty for that.  Think of how your siblings feel".  I have spent my entire life terrified of succeeding, terrified of being too good at anything, too pretty, too skinny, too fat, too outspoken, too timid.  For enjoying things I maybe shouldn't.  For feeling things I shouldn't.  I have been blamed for things.  Oh the things.  For things that would blow your mind.  It is ridiculous.  And I had no idea about this guilt until this week.  Thanks Husband. 

How do you uncondition yourself? How do you stop something that comes so naturally to you? How do you change something that is at the core of your being? How do you change something SO FREAKIN HUGE????? This is my week.  This is what I am trying to deal with.  I sure wish I could go somewhere and take a magic pill and just be fixed.  You know what I mean??? I hate this.  I want help.  I want healing.  I keep praying and trying to heal and it is working.  Slowly but surely.  It is just hard when I want it to just happen right away.  Instant gratification, you know?

But, other than that, I have had an OK week.  I have been working hard.  Getting a lot done.  This is good.  We received a huge answer to prayer today which was nice.  I am starting to plan our Christmas trip.  I am not excited yet to go.  Right now, it just seems so overwhelming and exhausting but I know that we need to go and that it will be good once we are there.  Seems like my life lately.  Not wanting to go or do anything but it is good once I am there.  Man.  I need out of this funk that I keep falling into.  Some days? Like today were awesome.  Some days? Suck.  It is ridiculous.  Insane.  I am good though.  I am dealing with my life and things are going to be good.  I can't wait to deal with more crap at UL.

I should go.  I think I am going to have a bubble bath first and then bed.  Why not? I think it sounds like a rather lovely idea.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Blue Michael Flights......

And the common thread would be...............

We will start with......

Flights:  I have been fighting with myself for the last two weeks and trying to convince myself that I can go.  Or that I should stay home.  Or I can't afford it.  Or it is a dumb time to go.  Or I am fine and can handle life without this.  For real.  Welcome to my brain.  Fun, isn't it? I THINK NOT! So, today? I booked the hotels and the flight and the car rental (thank you airmiles and avion points) and I made them all non refundable.  Yup.  I did.  Husband was so proud of me.  I finally did it.  Done.  So? Now the countdown is on.

Health: The doctor is sending me for blood work and x-rays.  He thinks that there are lung problems and possible mono happening.  Would not be surprised.  Insane.  Husband was laughing at me.  He thinks that I am screwed in the head.  And is not impressed at the whole no kissing thing.  Not his cuppa tea.  Hope I feel better soon, I miss kisses!

Blue: My amazing niece is hanging out at our house this week and we are doing lots of laughing and fun and silliness.  We are also having some insanely deep talks and she is challenging me in ways that I am not sure I want to be challenged with right now.  After a big talk the other night, my mind decided to open up.  Oh did it ever.  I remembered things and had emotions and fears come rushing back that I have not remembered in years.  A lot of years.  Ouch.  I laid in bed crying with Husband in shock next to me.  Loving me and taking care of me.  He is a good man.  Back to the blue.  Ms Niece has also been having fun.  Today we bought her first bra's, died her hair blue (sorry Sister), and ate taco's for dinner. (her request).  Tomorrow we are heading to the big ol' mall where we are doing the rides and food court.  We might do some shopping, we will see how grumpy Husband is by the time we are done the rides.  She has never been there and is so excited.  The next day, we are painting pottery, and the day after will include a science center and imax.  I think that the next day? I WILL SLEEP! Oh, but she is still here.  I am sure we will do something fun.

Michael:  Conversation had between me and Niece earlier today.  We were in HMV looking at music

Niece: Hey auntie D, there are two cd's here that say Michael Jackson.  One guy is black though and the other one is white? I think someone screwed up.  That isn't possible!
Me: (trying not to laugh) Well, you see (giggle giggle) He is the same guy.
Niece: Really? I don't think so.  Auntie, he even has a different nose! He is so funny looking.
Me: (dying a little inside that I even have to have this conversation) Well, he was black.  Decided that he wasn't happy that way and so he died his skin.  He then decided that he was ugly and started changing his face.  A lot of plastic surgery.  And then he died.
Niece: Wow.  Maybe it is good that he is gone.  What a weirdo.

The conversation I never thought I would have with anyone.  Epic.  Queer.  Odd.  How do you really explain Michael Jackson to a kid?

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.....

I am totally freaking out right now.

A little history.  Life.  As I know it.  Has had a huge suckage factor in the past.

Does that make sense? I have had a crazy life.  Insane.  Fun.  Insane.  Crazy.  I don't even know how to describe it.  At times it has been good, at times it has been bad.  At times it has been awful and I am actually surprised that I am still here to be honest.

September 19th of last year started a week I will never forget.  I went to Ultimate Leadership in Laguna Beach California.  Yup.  I did.  (and yes I went to Disney for a day while I was there!!!) It changed me.  It made me face my past and deal with parts of it.  It gave me tools to live again and to move past the hurt.  It made me a different person.  No one can attest to that more than Husband.  He was amazed and skeptical and is now just amazed.

He is also worried.  From when I got home from that till now, our life has been nuts.  We lost jobs, had health issues, moved, sold a business, bought a business and a lot of headaches with it, dealt with family drama, had health issues and have I told you that this is all in the last 12 months? And it was a quiet year.  Yesterday, we left a meeting and we were driving home and he asked me how I was doing.  You see, I have been going numb.  I feel like I have slowly been going downhill over the last few months.  Maybe I tested my skills a little too much in the last few months and I don't have enough.  I am getting worried.  I can see myself developing allergies again (I tend to internalize a lot and have even managed to develop full celiac in the past from this) and dont' know how to stop it, I am having headaches all day every day, I am not sleeping like I used to, I am starting to feel depressed again and am not knowing how to pull myself out of it.  It does not help that in moving, I have no friends here and have had to leave behind my psychiatrist and my support group of friends.  I have a few amazing friends out there and a great family, but they are not HERE.  In my day to day life.  They are a phone call away and seeing as my number is blocked, they don't answer the calls half the time when I do call! That is OK.  That is my fault.

So, we had this big conversation where we talked about this and where it is leading and what I am going to do about it.  Well, we have come to a decision.

I am leaving in a month to go back to Ultimate Leadership.  I cannot afford it, and I think that this is all nuts.  I am terrified.  I am nervous.  Is it because I know what to expect? How good/bad/hard it will be? I am also insanely self conscious and so the idea with being somewhere with no safety net of someone I know is hard.  I am also proud.  I am proud of myself that I am getting to the point where I can see that there are problems and I can address them before getting to the point of doing something stupid.  Last year when I signed up, I was sitting at my desk typing a suicide letter.  Yup.  I was that far gone.  I am also mad at myself for not being able to deal with life.  Why do I have such a hard time with that? What is my issue? Why can I not be like other people and just deal? But, that is not who I am.  Last year, I scratched the surface on the hurt in my life and I think it is time to dig even more.  I think that it is time to deal with more.  Husband is on board and is proud of me, I think.  We have talked about it that maybe I just need a yearly tune-up! I hope not forever, but if this is what I need for now to keep growing and increasing my faith and my life, then so be it.  I am not afraid of that.

Is it also crazy to be nervous of what people think of me? Is that just human nature? I am scared that when I tell my friends and family what I am doing, they are going to wonder why I need it again.  They were so skeptical of me last time and why I went.  What will they think of me this time? Will I look like a failure to them? Will they think that I am off my rocker?

Does it matter?

I know that I need this.
I am not going to let myself ever get to that point of darkness again.
I will deal with my past.
I will not let these hurts bother me forever.
I need to do this.  For me and for others around me that might need help dealing with their lives.

"I serve a God who is able to keep me from falling
A God who will do exceedingly
A God who will never leave or forsake me
A God who never leaves
He's ever true"
               ~Friday's Cry "A God Who is Able"  (My favorite song)

If you are curious about my last week there, read my blog from September of last year.  I wrote some of the time.  I will probably again.

Wow.  Now to book the plane ticket.