Friday, February 13, 2009

Not cool.

So, the cleanse.....within three days, I was puking and so weak that I could barely move...but I lost 5 pounds! Not worth it. Not worth it at all. So, what a week. I am having some mixed emotions. Here is the story. When I was 14, I was sexually abused by an uncle. Many times over a two day period. My lovely relatives decided to believe him instead of me and to try to convince me to just "forget about it and forgive him". Not quite how it works. You can forgive, but to forget? To sit in a room with the man again and pretend that I like him? Not cool. In grade twelve, I finally went to the cops and spilled all. Including a letter that my aunt sent me admitting his guilt but calling me a slut and asking for it. Since then, my relatives have been awful. They finally kicked me out of the family about 4 years ago. Told me that they had had a family meeting and decided that they wanted nothing to do with me. grandpa, who was probably the worst to me out of anyone, is dying. He has dimentia and is having many mini strokes a day. Do I go visit? Do I go say goodbye? Does it really matter at all seeing as I am not part of his family anymore?
My dad, this is his family, is there right now saying goodbye. He told me that they all still don't believe me and don't want me there but would like us to at least be friends. To be civil to each other. Seriously?!?!?! Are you kidding me?!?!?!?!? It doesnt' quite work that way. I don't know what to think. I guess in the back of my mind, family is supposed to be something that is a support system. They are supposed to love you no matter what. They don't have the choice of if you want them or not. No matter how hard things get.
I guess I am wrong. So here goes,
Dear Grandpa,
I am sorry to hear about your impending death. NOT! I am only sorry that you get to take the hurt and the lies with you and escape all the pain. You do not deserve this. You were so mean to me. You lied to me constantly. You were cruel to me. You turned the whole family against me. You blamed my dad for my situation and hurt him worse than you will ever know. I am not sure how long it will take to forgive you. I can proudly say that I have forgiven my uncle, but you....I am not sure. I feel sorry for you. I am sorry that you never knew me. That you never knew my personal integrity. That you never saw how kind I can be. That you were such a pompous jerk, that you could only see your own crown and you could not see beneath you. I will thank you though. Thank you for giving me my dad. Thank you for showing us what not to be. Thank you for giving me a compass to compare my spouse to. For showing me what I didn't want and where I didn't want to go. For this I thank you. Good luck when you get to heaven. You will have to atone for your sins like the rest of us. I sure wish I could be a fly on the wall when God asks you about your life. About how mean you were and how horrible you were to people that you should have loved. I now release you. I will pray that you go quickly. That the pain is not too much. You are not my grandpa. You never were and you never will be and so with that said.....goodbye.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Insomnia.....and plastic surgery.....

I have insomnia. I hate to sleep. I never go to sleep easily and wish that people didn't actually need sleep to survive. It drives my husband crazy. It is 1:33 a.m. and I am typing this and watching tv. I should be in bed. I have to wake up early. Tomorow is a big day! Husband and I are starting a cleanse. We are going to do it for 12 days. That is the plan. Then we are going to eat for a few weeks as we are going on holidays. I know, I know. The cleanse probably sucks. It is probably unhealthy. I am doing it anyways. I need to lose weight so that I can sleep again.
I have tried it all. I have had personal trainers, I have worked out up to 18 hours a week, I have followed every diet out there (being Celiac, they are hard to do), and nothing works. People cut out the dumbest things in the world and they manage to lose weight. I don't drink, I don't eat fast food, I don't eat desserts, I don't bake, I don't snack, I don't eat breads or anything like that....and I am fat! Husband is starting to realize it as well.
He cannot figure out why I don't lose weight. I lost 55 lbs and then just hit a plateau. I am doing pilates now, and swimming and hoping that these help. We will see. I am not thinking that they will work either! So positive, aren't I?
I am actually considering plastic surgery. I am considering having liposuction and a tummy tuck. I found a doctor in Vancouver that looks good. I am not even sure that I would tell anyone. I would just go on holidays and come home a lot skinnier.
I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I feel like I am getting sick and cannot figure out how to change this pathway I am on. I try the hot bath, the routines, the sleeping pills. Nothing works.
I need to go to bed. Oh, yeah! I got my first comment! Only two people know about this blog, that I know of, so if it is one of you? Thanks. Leave a name!