Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Last day

Ok.  I know that this calendar I have is disturbing.  But it makes me giggle!

So, today is the last day of this whole Joy Dare thing.  I have liked it this month.  I think that it came at a perfect time and due to my OCD tendencies, I actually did every one! I laugh at things like this.  In order to keep myself blogging every day? I just need more of these.

Random fact for the day: On my street, the UPS truck comes at least once per day.  And it always stops at the same 2 houses.  I am figuring some crazy drug ring (I watch too many CSI style shows) or some lady has some serious shopping habits and is getting deliveries from all over.  And no.  I am not a creep.  My office window faces out on the whole street.  I am at the bottom of a cul-de-sac so I can see the whole street all the time when I am working.  Ok.  That is kinda creepy.

Back to my day.  I woke up at a reasonable time today and went straight into my office.  I then got an amazing amount of work done before my brain shut off completely.  I am actually proud of myself! I think if I do this everyday this week, I will get some things done!!!! YEAH ME!

My grandpas sister is dying here in town and so my grandpa and grandma are coming to my house tonight.  They are here for dinner, with their driver (sounds fancy, right? Really it is my dads best friend who is a gem and is spending three days here to drive them around) and spending the night.  I am not sure if they are here for more than tonight though.  They hate to "put people out" when we all really just love having them here and want them to stay.  They are so silly.  You will have to kick me out when I am old! None of this leaving right away crap.  So it will be nice to see them.

Oh yeah! Remember that puzzle I was doing? Yeah.  Epic fail.  I could just not do it.  It was insanely hard and made me insane and so I decided to start a new one.  I am now working on this one:

From Cobble hill website

A little easier if I do say so myself.  I am actually almost done! I have some green left to do and that is all.  I will probably finish it in the next week.  I decided I need easier ones to do.  I don't mind the 1000 pieces but good grief.  At least give me a few clean lines to work from.  I am finding it really relaxing though and actually thinking of one to do next! YES WORLD! I AM A GEEK!!!!!!

Husband left for work again this morning.  He could be gone for a few days? Or a few months.  How is that for keeping my brain from not being sad! I hate not knowing how long he is gone for.  I always think the worst though and then when he gets to come home for a couple days like this last weekend, then I am happy! 

I should finish this Joy Dare off and start the rest of my day.  Time to get ready for the day and have lunch and then I have a meeting this afternoon.  Pray that my brain functions!

Joy Dare
Day 31: a gift found on a paper, in a person, in a picture
  • words.  The ability to read a book and escape into the life of the character.
  • Kindness.  Love.  Acceptance.
  • Memories.  I lost all my childhood memories for the most part when I had my aneurysm.  I love looking at pictures and seeing my childhood again.

Monday, January 30, 2012


So.  I am a bitch.  Or so I am thinking these days.  These last few days with Dad and his lady friend were awful.  I tried to be happy but felt like I was fighting for my family the entire time.

"No, you cannot pick only your favorite granddaughter to be in the wedding because they are all mad at you right now and that will make things worse"

"No we are not spending next Christmas with lady friend and her family.  That is our family year and it has been planned for a year to have it here at our house."

"No, it is not because we are not accepting you into our family, but we are not really wanting to get to know a whole new family"

"Sorry I am not jumping up and down for joy and giggling like a 16 year old because I think you guys are rushing things and I am not insanely happy for you"

"No, I will not cater, do the flowers and decorate, and do a slideshow and do your invitations for your wedding"

"Why yes.  It is because I am a bitch and has nothing to do with the fact that I am exhausted and sick and have no energy right now and will not have time to"

"Why yes.  Spending $400 on a flower girl dress is completely normal.  I am sure she will love it for the one day she will wear it."

From cbslimited.  Looks cute though, doesn't it????

Welcome to my weekend! I spent the whole time biting my tongue and trying to not cry.  I can feel my dad pulling away and her pushing in and it is all awkward and annoying.  What can I say! I hate that Dad has not spent more time with her.  I hate that my siblings do not know her at all and so they cannot say in good judgement that they even agree with this whole thing.  I hate that we feel like a complete stranger is joining our family.  And no, just because she was moms cousin for 53 years does not make her a friend or a close family member at all.  I hate that I am hurting this way and don't know what to do about it.  I hate that I have no one to talk to about this but my blog.  I hate that I am so unhappy.  Why can I now just be happy for them? Why can I not just love them!

Vent over.

Joy Dare
Day 30:  3 old things seen new

  1. My grandparents.  Over the last year I have looked at them different.  They are getting old and yet I have such a huge desire to know them like never before.
  2. My marriage.  We have been together almost as long as we have been apart.  This last month has made me appreciate what we have even more.  I can't wait to one day be the wife I long to be.
  3. My life.  Some days I feel old.  I feel like a new person this year.  I am making changes in me and it is good.  Now to start more.  One more day of freedom!!!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Little Old Ladies

and mono don't mix and so I am staying home from church today!

Husband is home but so are the old people (Dad and his fiance) later today so I think we are going to the mall shopping.  Should be fun! Did you hear the sarcasm? No.  It will be good.  I am feeling extremely weak this weekend so I will have to take it easy.  Pretty sure we won't be there long.  Husband is leaving again soon.  He is heading out to camp to a job that will take him away for a long time.  Making me sad, but at the same time? He will be happy working hard and we could use the money.  I will go find him if I have to.  And we can phone all day if we need to!

Hope you are all having an amazing weekend!

Joy Dare
Day 29: a song heard, a soft word, where you saw the light

  • Hillsong United: Take Heart.  This is the most amazing song.  If you have not heard it? Listen to it.  My cousin introduced me to it.  Took a few listens but has become a  major song in my life.  One of my favorite parts is the drum beat of the song.  As the song goes, it gets stronger and stronger just like the words.  I will listen to this in my car at an insane volume and just drown myself in it.  It offers such an amazing promise of love and protection and strength.

[Verse 1:]
There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails

So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

[Verse 1:]
In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failures
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

  • When Husband whispers "I love you".  Nothing more amazing than that.

  • The Eiffel Tower-when I was 16 I went to Europe.  I was severely anorexic and was not in a healthy place.  I stood at the top of the Eiffel Tower one night crying and looked out on the city and decided that my uncle (the one who sexually abused me) could no longer hurt me.  That he had killed enough of my life.  That he had hurt me for the last time.  That starving myself was not only making me ugly (which had been my goal) but that it was only hurting me and not him.  I went down from the tower that night and ate dinner.  And enjoyed every bite.  I will never forget that feeling of "seeing the light".  One day I want to go back there and see that view again without tears.

Saturday, January 28, 2012



SO NOT GOOOD FOR ME! Went on the diet, was doing really good and had no energy.  Yesterday, I could feel my energy draining even more and thought it was because I was tired.  I was downtown and almost passed out.  Needless to say, I got a drink at the nearest coffee shop and the diet has ended.  I have realized (yes Tammy and Jill, I am paying attention to my body) that as long as I am trying to fight mono, I cannot do the diet.  Last night I slept for 12 hours again and am feeling nasty today.  I think it is because I have pushed myself too hard.

Some pretty flowers from last spring

But, I had an amazing evening with a very dear friend last night.  Have you ever met someone that you felt you just connected with? That would be L.  She is amazing.  We laughed, bitched about life and its hurts right now, watched a movie, made an amazing dinner and just chilled.  It was so nice.  We are going to try to make this a weekly thing at least.  Her man is out of town and so is mine so it works!

Speaking of man, MINE IS POSSIBLY COMING HOME TONIGHT! For today and tomorrow and then gone for a long time but still.  I will take what I can get.  Not too picky! I can't wait.  He can cheer me up against the old people that are here driving me crazy.  Oh, that would be my dad and his fiance.  Yes you read that right.  He is engaged.  The wedding is in 3 1/2 months and is going to be a gong show! Hopefully she can pull off the amazing day she wants.  I have done all I can to help so far but I am done.  Other than flowers? I am stepping back.  It is just not a comfortable thing to help with.

So, plans for the weekend? WAY too much tv and laziness.  Some hearty good healthy meals. Cuddles with Hubby.  Maybe a movie out.  And that is all! I am relaxing and breathing because I have a lot to do next week and I need a breather this weekend.  I need my body to recover and this is what it is wanting today.

My baby.  Isn't she cute?

Joy Dare
Day 27: 3 gifts that might never have been

  1. life as I know it.  Had Husband and I not made the huge decision to leave our families and friends and move far away, we never would have made it to where we are today
  2. My puppy.  Not a dog person, but have fallen in love with her.  Had I not read late one night on some random website that they are good for helping with healing, I never would have bought her for Husband and would never have had my little companion.  She is my sanity some days!
  3. Healing.  Had mom not died, or had I not gotten so far down after that I was desperate, I never would have gone to Ultimate Leadership and gotten the healing that I needed so bad.  Not to say that it was good that she died, but it helped me get healing on a lot of hurts that I am not sure I ever would have faced or dealt with.

Joy Dare
Day 28: 3 graces found in your friends
  1. Support.  They are always here for me even when I don't deserve them.
  2. Prayer.  I have a few friends that I know are prayer warriors on my behalf and I appreciate it more than they will ever know.
  3. Laughter in the hardest times.  It takes an amazing friend to make you laugh when you are at your lowest.  I am one of those people that needs to laugh.  Whether at a movie, a book, a joke or or just something random.  Always makes my day better.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A real post!!!!!!

I made cornbread! On a diet.  Yes I did.  It sucked.  The smell of cornbread? A new favorite.

Sour Cream Cornbread

1 1/2 cups cornmeal
1/2 cup flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup sour cream
1 can cream style corn
3 eggs
6 Tbsp butter, melted

Preheat oven to 450
Combine dry ingredients.  
Combine wet ingredients.  
Whisk them all together. 
Put 2 Tbsp butter in bottom of cast iron pan.
Heat on high on element till melted and pan is hot.
 Pour batter into pan.
Cook for one minute.
Put in the oven and bake for 20-25 minutes until toothpick comes out clean.

Seriously? This is the most amazing corn bread ever.  Seriously amazing.  I served it with chili.

Joy Dare
Day 26: a gift before 9 am, before noon, after dark
  • my bed.  Seriously.  Who doesn't love those times in the morning when the air is crisp, you are toasty warm in bed and you are slowly waking up!
  • breakfast.  Hashbrowns, eggs, chorizo sausage, breakfast wraps, tomatoes, cheese, toast, waffles...yummmmmm
  • giggle time with Husband.  We love to lay in bed and talk.  That is our dreaming time.  Laughing, talking, giggling, wrestling and cuddles.  I love this time.
    • baths.  I love bubble baths and have them almost every night! A good book, candles and bubbles and I am good to go! (I did two for this one because I wanted to.  Deal with it!)

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Chili and Cornbread Fiances and Fake Smiles


Ok.  So yes I am on my diet and I can't eat this but Dad and his "lady friend" are coming tonight and I happen to have some amazing chili in my freezer just waiting to be used! To go along with it I am making cornbread.  I will blog the recipe and pictures tomorrow!

Due to my body deciding to be a bitch (excuse the language) I have cancelled all my meetings yet again today and am trying to take it easy.  I am giving myself till Monday to pull out of this sickness and then life has to continue.  Oh, have I mentioned that I LOST WEIGHT!!!!!! I can't wait to tell you how much. Best post gorge day yet.

Joy Dare
Day 25: One grace borrowed, one grace found, one grace inherited

  • Borrowed: strength.  I have borrowed or piggy backed on someone else's strength more than once.  It is a beautiful thing when you can hold someone else up and feed them your strength.  A huge thank you to all the people in my life that have ever done that for me.  Husband? You are a rock.  Thank you.
  • Serving: I have a huge desire to serve.  I love to host people, which causes problems when I am sick, I love to give things away, and I just love to help! I did not realize this was a gift for a long time.  I just did it.  I remember the day that someone pointed it out to me and I was shocked.  Thanks God for this gift and desire.
  • The gift of gab.  Enough said.

And some smiles for you today:

The Crack Calendar

The Crack Calendar

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Joy Dare yet again!

Found my new challenge for next month! You will like this one!

SO, today was the first day of dieting.  Wow.  Forgot how much I pee on this diet.  Wow.  It went good though.  I find I am not even hungry enough to eat what I am supposed to.  I am so tired! I pushed myself too hard yesterday and am paying for it today.  I went to one business meeting today and that is all.  I got the room together for the Girlfriend (it will be OK Tammy.  I am cheating on lots of other things) and just laid around.   I hate feeling useless.  HATE IT! In case you didn't realize it.

So, I have a lot of friends in Terrace BC.  Please for the love of all that is holy, can you google the snow pics of there right now? Global BC facebook page has some too (thanks Amelia).  It is crazy! I had a friend last night drive around and take pictures of snow for me.  It is nuts! I wish I was there! Kinda.  OK. Not really.  I bought Netflix again recently and am addicted! I am not sure why.  There is not that much stuff on there.  And I get addicted to ridiculous shows! Like 90210.  The new one.  Is it just me or is that main girl (blond one) really freakin annoying! And not that hot! Just sayin!

Joy Dare
Day 24: 3 things blue (stop laughing Husband)

  1. Husbands eyes.  Seriously.  He has the most amazing eyes ever.  They are the most amazing blue ever.  I love it too when he is swimming.  His eye lashes clump up and they make his eyes even more amazing.
  2. My favorite color.  I go between aqua blue, teal, navy, sky...I am not picky.  I love blue.
  3. My heart.  Sometimes it is just sad.

Oh, you should know that I started the diet at 194.2 lbs.  I think.  That or 193! I will let you know.  I have it written down somewhere.  That makes it 4 lbs regular gain (every time I stop this diet I gain 4 lbs.  No rhyme or reason.  I just do.  And then I just sit at that weight.), 1 lb from just me and 4 lbs from the gorge.  I usually gain more on gorge but I am OK with this! I stopped all those months ago at 184 lbs. and am happy with how I have done.  I will let you know how I do from now on! But you won't see numbers for awhile.  I don't want Husband to know how I am doing and want to surprise him so I will post numbers again next time he is home.  Sorry!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Texting is the devil.

Only to my marriage.  Husband left today for a couple weeks and only has wifi.  No cell service.  Which means a whole lot of texting and nothing else.  Wow.  Not sure how fun this will be! Hope he is having fun out there in camp at work though.  He needs to be there.

So, on the home front? I think my toe is only really badly sprained and not actually broken.  Body 1/2 a point.  Me 1/2 a point.  Due to excessive use of Rocky Mountain Soap Company's Breakout Buster
From their website
my cold sore is gone.  It didn't make much of an appearance.  Have you ever used this stuff? GETS RID OF EVERYTHING! Scars, acne, cold sores you name it! I love it.  

I am also starting the diet tomorrow.  I have done the gorge days for yesterday and today (which are nasty by the way) and now get to start the actual losing tomorrow! I can't wait.  I always gain at least 5 lbs on gorge days (you eat as much fat and sugar and crap as you can for two days.  To the point of feeling sick) so I always feel all fat and nasty before I start the diet.  Probably why you have to do them! This will be good.  I am going to lose weight!!!!!

Please pray for me.  I am feeling a lot of rage and frustration right now.  I am feeling useless due to the whole sick thing and it is hard on me.  I like to be productive and feeling like this? Not helping with that.  At all.  My partner asked me to not do the festival this weekend.  She thinks I should not be around her and other people being so sick.  Sad thing is? I agree.  I just wish I had the energy to spend cleaning my house, working, reading good stuff that I need to know and all that and didn't just want to sit on the couch watching tv or sleeping.

Dad comes on Thursday.  I have to clean before then.  And cook.  And make up beds.  Or just let them go to a hotel and eat out.  Hmmmmm...... we will see.  They are big kids though.  Think they could do their own beds? I can whip up something unimpressive for them.  As long as they are fed! Right?

Oh, and the joy dare.  Here goes! (almost excited for this to be done.  Need something else though to keep me going! Maybe a photo a day one! That is what I will try to find.  Anyone know of one out there???)

Joy Dare
Day 23: 3 gifts found in Christ
  1. Life
  2. Peace
  3. Strength

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Day 1 of this craziness

Today will be a random post! I will start with the Joy Dare.

Joy Dare
Day 22: one grace wrinkled, one grace smoothed, one grace unfolded
  • my grandma.  Her skin.
  • a baby.  Specifically my nephew.  He is a blessing to our family.  Love him!
  • a letter from a friend.  An encouragement.

I am also starting the diet again today!!!!! I figure I can diet with or without mono! I am starting my gorge days today.  Not looking forward to it but am excited to lose more weight.  I am trying for the full 6 weeks this time.  We will see how I do! I am hoping to lose at least 30 lbs.  I will let you know how that goes.  And one day? I will post a picture of me again! I am nervous, as I struggled with the eating disorder aspect last time, but am feeling a lot stronger this time.  At this point, I am focusing on this set and I am going to take it from there.  I am no sure where I want to end up.  I have an idea in my head, but at the end of the day? I don't know.  I see super skinny people and think YEAH! That is what I want! And then I see other people and think wow.  I like the look of some curves.  At the point where I just need to do these 6 weeks and go from there! I am honestly hoping I feel hot at the end of this session so I don't have to do another one! I think I will need one more though.  If that is the case though, I will be done by summer! And that would be good.  Now I need a personal stylist to take me shopping and teach me how to have style and dress cool! (the pics are all off pinterest)

I am off to have a happy (albeit tired) day with Husband.  I am going to eat too much and try to get something done around this house! I am skipping church and life for a bit so that I don't happen to get anyone else sick.  Have a wonderful Sunday!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Yup. I did it.

It is mono.

I have all the luck! Needless to say? This joy dare is a challenge and a half this month.  I promise I will be happier soon! MY BLOG WILL GET BETTER AGAIN!!!!!

Joy Dare
Day 21: one thing in the sky, one thing from your memory, one thing that's ugly-beautiful

  • planes.  You need them to fly away on amazing vacations
  • Husband.  Me.  Our first kiss.  I can still remember the fuzzy in my tummy.  Still think about it often.
  • The one and only teddy bear he ever got me.  Ugliest thing I have ever seen.  Claims he spent months looking for it because it was funny.  I named him Ralph because he was so ugly he made me gag and you couldn't name a teddy bear barf. (funny story, while in the hospital on drugs I told the pastor of my church this story.  His name was Ralph.)

Some random tidbits

to start you off today!

  • Joy Dare Day 20: 3 gifts you saw only when you got close up
    • strength-when Husband has been sick, I always feel week.  Once I have gone through it though,  I am always amazed at my strength.  I seem to get stronger each time and it is an amazing gift from God
    • beauty-you often only see beauty in someone when you get close to them
    • friendship-a true close friendship is one of the most amazing gifts you could have.  I have been blessed to have a few of these
  • We are pretty sure I have mono.  Awesome.
  • It is snowing outside.  Kinda pitifully, but it is trying none the less.
  • I hired someone to work the festival for me today.  But I want to go and walk around and look at it anyways! And maybe eat some food!
  • Husband is leaving tomorrow for three weeks for work.  My heart is breaking.  I am going to miss him so much.
  • I start my diet on Monday and this is cool because I will be noticeable smaller next time I see him!
  • I am exhausted and want to have a nap! Heading to a walk in clinic today.
  • My puppy is back and is attached to me.  She is so cuddly it is almost funny.  I am loving it.
  • I will be back later for today's joy dare and a doctor update!

Thursday, January 19, 2012


did I really just type that?

I have to do this Joy thing.  Just a sec.

Ok.  I am ready.

Joy Dare
Day 19: a grace in the kitchen, a grace in the weather, a grace that might never have been

  1. Easy! I made dinner tonight and it rocked!!!! I made tater tot casserole.  Yuck.  I know, right? I was craving some comfort food and so I rocked the kitchen and made one that was awesome.  The reason this is a grace? Husband was starved and he LOVED IT! Let me tell you what I did.
    • In a pot/bowl/9x13 pan mix 1 cut up rotisserie chicken, 2 cans mushroom soup, 1 small can black beans, 1 cup or corn, 1 TBSP chipotle chili powder (or less if you want it not as hot), 1/2 a can of chopped green chillies and some onion.  
    • Mix well.  Place in baking dish of choice.  I made it in my new Le Creuset because IT IS AMAZING! and I can't stop using it.
    • Layer tater tots on top
    • Sprinkle with cheese ( I used a salsa cheddar that was sampled to me today from a vendor.  Wow.  Can I just say amazing?????)
    • Bake at 375 for 45 minutes or longer if you want the taters crunchier
    • Eat
  2. We have had the most nasty week of weather.  Actually, it has just been cold, other than that? BY THE GRACE OF GOD, it has been amazing! It is supposed to warm up this weekend again for another really mild streak.  This whole winter has been one huge odd winter as far as weather goes.  But I am ok with that!
  3. I get to go work at the festival again tomorrow.  I am hoping and praying that I feel better by then! But if not? I have a worker ready to do it for me! This is abnormal.  She is even really excited to do half my weekend for me.  YEAH!
Needless to say, I am feeling a little more chipper today.  I also had an amazing meeting today where I was told that the vendors I deal with talk to each other and they all think that I am super nice and good to deal with.  Wow.  I needed a positive sign so bad.  Thanks God.  You rock.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Oh me oh my

Joy Dare

Day 18: 3 gifts from God's word

 Hebrews 13:5

"I will never leave you or forsake you"

Psalm 18

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. 
I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
And I am saved from my enemies.

Psalm 139

O LORD, you have examined my heart
      and know everything about me.
   2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
      You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
   3 You see me when I travel
      and when I rest at home.
      You know everything I do.
   4 You know what I am going to say
      even before I say it, LORD.
   5 You go before me and follow me.
      You place your hand of blessing on my head.
   6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
      too great for me to understand!
   7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
      I can never get away from your presence!
   8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
      if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
   9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
      if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
   10 even there your hand will guide me,
      and your strength will support me.
   11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
      and the light around me to become night—
      12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
   To you the night shines as bright as day.
      Darkness and light are the same to you.
   13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
      and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
   14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
   15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
      as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
   16 You saw me before I was born.
      Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
   Every moment was laid out
      before a single day had passed.
   17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
      They cannot be numbered!
   18 I can’t even count them;
      they outnumber the grains of sand!
   And when I wake up,
      you are still with me!
   19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
      Get out of my life, you murderers!
   20 They blaspheme you;
      your enemies misuse your name.
   21 O LORD, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
      Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
   22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
      for your enemies are my enemies.
   23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
      test me and know my anxious thoughts.
   24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
      and lead me along the path of everlasting life. 

February 1st 2012

So, I am not feeling too joyful today.  I will do the joy dare in another post.  But, I am feeling hopeful.

I have been really struggling these last few months with my view of myself and my confidence.  To say that the roommate situation beat me down is an understatement.  I have not been myself and it is now harming me and my mind, soul, body and business.

Tonight, Husband and I had a talk.  I am setting up some huge goals for myself for this year.  I need your help.  Can you guys keep me accountable? You know if you have read this blog for more than a week that I use this blog as a little too much of a personal diary.  I spew out information that no one is usually interested in reading, yet I am honest and will tell you if I am failing myself.  If nothing else? I can look back in one month, two months, etc and see how far I have come.  So here they are.

  • Lose weight.  OK.  I know.  I have already said this, but what I have not said is how scared I am to lose more.  I have a fear of being skinny.  I realized that this week.  Not so much skinny as "normal".  What if I look ugly? What if people still look at me funny? (like I imagine they do now) What if I have no self control and can't actually lose any more? SO? I am kicking myself in the ass and getting on with it.  I am starting the diet again.  Like next Monday.  As in Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and voila! Gorge days starting on Monday. Wow.  Had no idea how soon that was :) I am going to do one 6 week session, stop for as long as I need to and then do another at least 3 week session.  I have booked a professional photographer for April so I need to look hot by then.  That is the plan at least and I am going to try! I am up a few pounds right now, hovering at 189 but that is OK.  I am doing a steak day tomorrow (seeing as how I am feeling sick anyways, who cares!) and that will set me back to my goal weight.  I should be able to lose (fingers crossed) about 35-45 lbs between now and my birthday.  So.  Am I excited? Not really.  Am I stubborn? No.  Not lately.  But I am going to do this.  And do a good job of it.  And I am going to lose the weight and celebrate a way healthier me.  A bigger post on what and how soon.  I promise.  And Tammy, wanna do it with me?????
    Time to take this?
    To this.  Ok, maybe not this small.  I was a little sick at this point, but a happy medium would be good.
  • Read.  I want knowledge.  I want to learn more about my business and how to grow it.  I want to buy books and read the ones I have and find articles.  I want to retain the knowledge and do something with it.  I want to succeed.  I want to make my business huge.  And I finally have a reason.  I want to help people.  I want to do missions in my own way.  I want to find something I am passionate about and sink my teeth into it.  I want to help the poor.  I want to feed people.  I want to give stuff and money away.  I can only do that if I have something and money.  I want to read.  I want to go to seminars and conferences and be so passionate about what I do.  I want to excel.  I want to meet people and have them feel my passion.  I want to help my current "employees" to excel and succeed.  I want this.  And as of February 1st, I will do it.  I am vowing to spend at least 30 minutes a day reading.  Something that will give me knowledge.  I am on the hunt.  I will do this.  I will build this business and I will make myself proud.  I will not let people beat me down and make me feel useless.  I will do this.
I am starting this book and the study guide that I have to go with it.

  • Become involved in a church.  I am not sure how to do this yet.  I am thinking a small group but my schedule is so random that I am not sure.  I am going to start with finding a church.  One that makes me excited to join it.  I am going to start by trying a few new churches and taking a serious look at what I want.  I want music.  I want passion.  I want young couples.  I want a group of people that don't care as much about the building and what they are wearing as they do about God and their hearts. I am on the search.
  • I want to be a better me.  I want to give more time to making me feel real.  I want more time to find hobbies, more time to cook and enjoy life.  I want to ignore the family issues and just live.  I am sick of being sad.  I am sick of being depressed.  I am not saying I will not hurt, but I am going to try to over come.
  • Save enough money to go to "Ultimate Leadership" next winter.  I have been twice and I want to go one more time.  I want to fix more of me and see how much better of a leader I can be.

So these are my lofty goals.  I will make sure I let you know how I am doing in all these areas.  We will see! I want it.  I do want to do these things and I start Monday.

Can I do it?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Why do we all believe in something?

This was the question that Husband asked me as we were driving around town today for work.

This would be part of the Joy Dare.  Bare with me.

Day 17: one gift that made you laugh, one gift that made you pray, one gift that made you quiet

  • Laugh: Husband.  Seriously.  He knows what I need.  All. The. Time.  Last night, he tickled me till I almost peed my pants.  As I was ready to kill him, I stopped and thought "wow.  That is the first time I have laughed in over a week".  That is unlike me.  I needed that laugh so bad.  Thanks babe
  • Pray: On of my co-workers (not sure what to call the store owners) has been trying to get his wife here from Afghanistan for 18 months.  She is sick and needing medical help that she cannot get there.  He flies there twice a year to be with her but she is in a really dangerous area and it is very hard on them.  (he is from there originally).  I stopped by his store today and found out that the Canadian Embassy there granted her Visa (a year earlier than expected) and now are just waiting for the paperwork so that she can finally move here.  I laughed, almost cried, left and then prayed and thanked the Lord that I live in such a safe place.  Yes, it is dangerous, but when you hear stories of bombs shaking pictures of the walls of the room you are sleeping in, it feels pretty darn safe if you ask me.  What an amazing country we are lucky enough and blessed enough to have! YEAH CANADA!!!!
  • Quiet.  The question above.  Why do we? Why are people constantly searching? And what a way for Satan to get in there and destroy people.  I love God.  I am not ashamed of that.  I am a Christian and I believe.  But how can people believe a cult/religion that tells you to hate people? To kill people? To kill yourself? There are some screwed up beliefs out there right now.  Some scary ones.  I think that we live in a world of people that are all searching.  For a better spouse, a better job, a better haircut, a better life.  If we believe in Karma, it makes us better.  If we believe in reincarnation it will make us nicer to things and people (that mosquito you killed? Could be my relative!!!) If we believe that we are right and everyone else is wrong, it gives us validation in our screwed up thoughts.  I am always annoyed that people only pray when life is hard.  I am one of those people sometimes.  I annoy myself.  But why are we always searching? Are we ever just content with what we have? 

On that note, Husband and I have felt like we were going backwards for the last year.  Like we are in limbo.  Like we are not doing anything big.  Is it that we are? Going backwards that is, or are we just not moving forward at such an extreme rate that we feel lost.  I have been thinking about this lots lately.  Pray for some guidance for us.  We are both frustrated with life right now.

But other than all that deep stuff? We are good.  Husband was home today which was frustrating but amazing for me as I was needing a chauffeur.  I love our time together.  As much as we need the money of working? These days are amazing.  It was also insanely cold today! It is supposed to drop to -37 celsius tonight.  That is freakishly cold! Time for some more hot chocolate!

Oh, I never posted any pictures of our yard this summer! Here are a few when it was still fairly green.
Yes.  I needed to weed.  I liked the jungle feel! This is leading the the back corner of the yard.

This yard had some sort of flower blooming all summer.

Looking up from the top picture.  So green!

Towards the other corner.  It is a huge yard! Anyone want to come and garden for me?

My cousins kids playing catch with our dog.

Huge flowering bushes surrounding the deck

Monday, January 16, 2012

Monday monday....

ah ah! La la la la la

Isn't there a song about that?

So? How was your weekend? Mine? Yeah.  But in good news.... I SHOWERED!!!! I know.  Are you not so proud of me? Ok.  So I have showered every day and bathed at least 2 times a day for the last week being sick, but today? I actually shaved things.  And I did my hair after! And I put on deodorant and makeup.  I know.  TMI.  Deal with it.  I am proud.  I will not tell you that I had to have a nap after because I was so tired or that it took me over an hour to do all that when normally it would take me about 15 minutes.  But that is ok.  I will get better!

Joy Dare

Day 16: 3 ways I witnessed happiness today


  1. how after wearing no makeup for a week, how pretty I felt with mascara on
  2. the number on the scale this morning.  Still doing ok!
  3. how much sleep I have had this weekend! And how I am telling my boss to screw off and taking the majority of today off as well.  I have tv to watch, dinner to make, laundry to do and pills to pop.  Wow.  That sounded bad.

Oh, and by the way? I peeked and can't wait to post tomorrows crack calendar for you to enjoy.  Love that thing!

I should also send a shout out to my brother! It was his birthday yesterday and I didn't phone him.  I talked to him on Saturday and said Happy Birthday.  Was not feeling up to chatting yesterday.  He might forgive me one day.  Wanna see him?

This is a long time ago, but it is him and my mom.  Love this picture.  My mom with her big smile and him being a dork.  Quite typical of him!


and yes.  That was yelled at him.  Loudly.  In case his hearing is going.  He is old you know.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Snow.....beautiful snow

So I have been informed that I am not allowed to blog again about feeling sick.

So there.  I won't.  :)

I will continue the Joy Dare though.

Day 15: one thing you wore, one thing you gave away, one thing you shared

  1. I have worn only pyjamas for days! And a bra.  I cannot go without a bra.  I will wear one with pyjamas until it is bed time and only then will I take it off.  My weird quirk. (according to spell check, that is how you spell pj's, is that right? Looks funny)
  2. I have given away a lot! Ask anyone who has come to my house.  I am odd though.  If you ask for something? You get nothing.  If you say nothing? I will give you everything.  Please is also a magic word for me.  Once you figure that out? You have me under your power! Funny how some people just don't figure me out!
  3. I hope that I have not shared my illness! Well, in a way, I hope that someone nasty got it.  Not sure who though as I have been in my house for days.  Maybe tomorrow I will go out and spread the wealth! This is a gooder you see and I would hate to keep it all to myself.

Oh, I decided today what I am going to do.

I am going to sell everything off, grab Husband and some plane tickets and move here:
Hello Travel.com

This is Fraser Island in Australia.  Pretty, right? I am then going to work here:


and live the rest of my life happily ever after.  Sounds good, right? If you could have any dream in the world, live anywhere, do anything, what would it be? I NEED SOME COMMENTS PEOPLE!!!!!!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Joy Dare again....

and not feeling so joyful.

So, this little head cold I had? Yup.  Went to the doctor yesterday as I was continually getting worse to find out I have a double ear infection and strep throat.  Yes.  You read that right.  And I feel lovely.  PLEASE note the sarcasm.  Wow.  I am perma drugged and feeling quite nasty today.  I got 16 hours of sleep last night, woke up having just broken a fever dripping wet.  It was amazing.  Poor Husband has been getting me juice and doing laundry all day.  He is amazing.  I am trying to find some joy in this day and the only thing I can think of? It is snowing.  We have not had snow in over a month.  There was green grass people.  I live in northern Canada.  We don't have green grass in January.
Source of picture

So here I go.  Trying to be joyful.  If I looked less like death? It would be easier.

Joy Dare

Day 14: 3 ways you glimpsed the startling grace of God

  1. the fact that I am not at the festival this weekend.  I would not be able to do it if I was feeling like this.  I guess this is grace.
  2. Husband is alive.  I have stood in a hospital room way too many times and been told that they were concerned for his life.  To say goodbye.  To call the friends and family.  He is alive.  And doing good.  Every day is a gift and one more grace from God.
  3. My nieces and nephews.  These are kids that have been beaten and abused, drugged and forgotten about.  By the grace of God, some government official finally took them from their mom and they are in our family now.  When I look at them I see grace.  They are hurting, they are lost at times, they are now having to deal with their pasts and I am proud of them.  I hope that they are healed and good to go! (as odd as that sounds) before they are adults.  Too many of us wait too long to deal with our lives and suffer more because of it.  I love them soooooo much.

Ok.  So that was easier than I thought.  Thanks God.

Husband leaves for work again in the morning.  I am home this weekend just watching too much tv! And enjoying every moment.  Please pray that my self esteem stays high.  When I am sick, I feel so mentally weak and it makes me scream! I all of a sudden am useless, fat, ugly, unlovable, dumb, etc etc etc.  You should have heard my breakdown last night! Poor guy.  Husband just giggled at me and loved me anyways.  Please pray that my brain shuts down and my body heals rapidly.


Friday, January 13, 2012

Joy Dare

Day 13: 3 sounds you hear

  1. not a whole lot! My ears are really plugged.
  2. The hum of my computer and the click of the keys as I type
  3. The creaks of my house.  I kinda like this house most days.  The huge tall ceilings, the little rooms everywhere.  It is starting to make me happier.  I am hoping to hear my body crash on the couch in a minute with the TV on in a second.  

Yet another day of being sick.  Can I tell you my epic moment? My house is a mess due to my insane schedule lately.  I finally had a few days to work and breathe and clean this week and now I died.  So today, while puking, I grabbed the Lysol wipes and cleaned the toilet.  How is that for getting it done! Now that I type that, I think I am nuts.  Hoping Husband comes home soon and does some house work for me.  I can't handle this nastiness for much longer yet have absolutely no energy to do it myself.

I did get "The Crack Calendar" for Christmas and I had to share this one with you.  Is that not too funny? It made me laugh.

I am going to have some tea and soup and go lay down.  I promise these posts will get a little less whiny soon! When I am feeling better.

Have a great day!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Joy Dare

Day 12: something above you, something below you, something beside you

  • yesterday I was at the Muttart.  Amazing place.  It is beautiful.  At one point I was standing in the tropical pyramid and looking up at the palm trees with the blue sky behind.  I just could not stop thinking about how amazing our God is to make all that beauty.  I love that place.
  • Mom.  Last week was the 4 year mark since she died.  It has been hard.  Incredibly hard.  Does it ever get easier? I stood at her grave with my sobbing niece on NYE and just could not believe that she was there.  I guess in spirit I know she isn't, but her body is.  I just want to see her.
  • Husband.  I could not have dreamt up a better man.  Seriously.  He makes me crazy, drives me mad and loves me so much it hurts all at the same time.  Could I ask for more?

Today was a weird day.  I woke up feeling like I had died.  That is always lovely :) I grabbed Dad and went to do some work running around.  I got it all done in a few hours when he asked if he should take her ring shopping or go himself and if I would look with him.  Umm.....no.  I wanted to scream! But I went.  How odd is that! "Here....try this one on! Wow.  That is beautiful! Double my budget but that is OK" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I screamed this loudly in my head the entire time.  I talked to him yesterday about how it feels like he is separating himself from us and how I am kinda mad at him! I understand that he is in love and needs to put his relationship in the front, but he can't forget us.  She has been around for 3 months. We have been here for 30+ years.  It is hard though.  I don't want to come across as a bitch, but at the same time? IS HE BLIND????? He acts like life is perfect and we are all just in the background.  He didn't say much.  He asked me to give his examples, I did... a lot of them, and then he asked if I had read some book.  Wow.  Way to change the subject.

I will be OK.  Just remind me to not go ring shopping again.  I am pretty sure he will be engaged in the next few weeks.  He denies it yet doesn't.  Does that  make any sense? He says no, then says that they talk about it constantly and are waiting for the ring to make all these huge decisions like where to live and what to do for work and such.  And then makes comments like " well? We will just have to put a ring on that finger so things are more final!" Not sounding like someone willing to wait much longer.

But in other news? Husband rocked tonight and made me dinner.  I was so sick yesterday and made stew and told him he had to tonight and he did.  Thanks Husband.  You are amazing.  Thank you for your patience with your sick wife.  I am trying to get better! I promise!!!

I should go.  I hear a bubble bath calling my name! And maybe some more Nyquil?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


I am sick with the nastiest head cold right now.  But here goes.

Day 11: 3 yellow things that strike you as fresh mercy

  1. The sun.  No matter what we do, it comes up every day.  I live in an area of the world where I see it almost every day.  I am amazed at how happy it can make me.  How even when it is freezing cold out, the warmth of the sun on my back from a window can warm me all the way through.  It is just there.  Can you imagine never having it?
  2. Post it notes.  Husband leaves me little love notes on them.  The yellow always makes me smile.
  3. No idea.

I have no brain today.  I am heading to bed right now.

Please pray that I get healthy.

I feel horrible.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Joy Dare Day 10

Day 10: a gift that's sour, a gift that's sweet, a gift that's Just. Right.

  • work sometimes.  Today? it is sour.  Hopefully tomorrow it is sweet!
  • Love.  Feeling loved and appreciated.  When my nieces came running at me the other day and hugged me.  Felt so loved.
  • Sweet Chili Roasted Cashews.  They are amazing every time.  I just ate a package now. Hoping it will help me get over this head cold!

Yeah.  I am sick.  Thought I just had a sore throat from yelling too much on the weekend and it has turned into a major sinus infection I think.  Head cold at least.  I feel like crap! I had a business meeting today and when she showed up she apologized for feeling so gross and then we realized we had the same thing.  It was a quick and quiet lunch! I laid on the couch all afternoon trying to relax and get better.  I have a full day tomorrow but if I need to? I can be sick again on Thursday.  Too much to do though this week.  Such is life! We don't get sick when we have time to be, do we!!! I think I am going to make a pot of soup for dinner.  I just need the energy to go downstairs and do it.

We will see.  Thinking corn chowder.  That could taste good today! 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Joy Dare

Day 9: a gift in your hand, a gift you walked by, a gift you sat with

This one is hard!

  • A gift in your hand-I would say my phone.  How pathetic is that! Husband made me get a phone years ago and it is my sanity some days! I am no longer tied to my office, out of touch from people or alone.  I can always call someone.
  • A gift I walked by-on my way to my office tonight to write this, I walked past the light wreaths that Husband hung up for me.  He climbed a ladder (he is terrified of heights) up 17 feet to hang them in the window above our entrance for me.  Not sure they will ever come down! But I love them and seeing them makes me so happy
  • I sat with my brother and his family on my couch tonight.  My nephew smiled and giggled in my arms and it made me happy.  A little sad, but happy.  I am realizing more and more how hard it is to not be a mom but at the same time how happy I am for my siblings and family.  Falling hard for that little boy though.  I will admit that :)

Above and beyond this? My dad was OK.  Husband was out of town all day.  I woke too late, worked for about 5 hours, had a nap which is always nice, worked a little more, watched TV, put away laundry and then watched more TV! Could be an issue.  All that TV watching.  It was good though.  My lunch date cancelled but I get the Muttart later this week so I will be OK.

How was your day? 

January's Joy Dare

So I have been having some January blues this month and saw this on my friends blog and have decided to copy it! Thanks Lollie! Check out her blog mylifeaslollie.blogspot.com

So, I am a lot of days behind, but I will play catch up today and then go from there!

You can find the original dare at   thttp://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/01/the-1-habit-your-new-year-cant-do-without-giveaway/

Day 1: Three things about yourself you are grateful for

  1. My smile.  I sat with a group of homeless men last night at a festival visiting and they said the only reason they would talk to me was because of my smile.  It was an amazing experience.  They were all volunteers from a local shelter and were recovering addicts.  They were beautiful people.
  2. My heart.  I have a huge heart.  It gets me in trouble.  I hurt for people and love them way too much.
  3. My eyes.  They tell my story.  They sparkle when I am happy.  Twinkle when I am being mischievous, go dull when I am sad and look tired when I hurt.

Day 2: A gift outside, inside on a plate
  • Outside: the lack of snow and ice for driving.  Making this city easier to get around in!
  • Inside: my comfy home.  I am happy to be in it.
  • Plate: the amazing caramelized onion, bacon, egg and provolone wrap I had yesterday at the festival.  

Day 3: 3 lines you overheard that were graces
  1. Love you babe.
  2. You can do it! You are amazing at these things!
  3. Thank you so much for that food.  You fed 300 people that would have gone hungry tonight.

Day 4: One gift old, new and blue
  • Old: friendships.  I love reconnecting with old friends that have been here forever.
  • New: my Le creuset pot.  I am in love.
  • Blue: the walls in my office.  They make me feel peaceful.
Day 5: Something you are reading, you're making, you're seeing
  • Reading: Kisses from Kaitie.  Amazing book
  • Making: A paper flower.  I will post pictures if I ever finish it!
  • Seeing: I am heading to the Muttart again this week and can't wait to see the new flower display!
Day 6: One thing in your bag, your fridge, your heart
  • Bag: too many things of lip stuff
  • Fridge: cheese.  11 different kinds of cheese.
  • Heart: Husband.  I am falling more in love with him daily right now.  His support, kindness and love amaze me.
Day 7: 3 graces from people you love
  • Husband who did all the laundry and cleaned the house when I was gone this week and then cuddled on the couch to watch a movie with me last night when he was crazy tired and had to go to bed
  • My family who love me no matter what
  • My friend K that came up to help at the festival even when we didn't need her and had to send her home.  
Day 8: Light that you caught, a reflection that surprised you a shadow that fell lovely
  • The light in the eyes of the man I met last night when I just sat and talked with him.
  • My comfort level at sitting and talking with that group of men
  • The 4 year mark of my mom passing yesterday and being able to get through it with some happy memories.  For some reason, this year has been harder than others.

I am looking forward to doing the rest of the days.  Some are easy, some are hard but it is good to think of these things.  

Have a wonderful Monday world!


I am still here.

I will post a real/non Christmas post tomorrow.

4 years ago today my mom died.

I have been working the festival 14 hours a day for the last 4 days.

I am exhausted.

And sad.

Happiness and life again tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Christmas fun

So, this was not our "year" to do Christmas, but somehow managed to do it anyways!

My sister, brother and I and our families met
at my dads place for New Years Eve and a few extra days.

Here are a few photos to prove it!

I did not take very many.  Maybe next year!

I made Dad buy a tree.  He got two little tiny ones that we put on a table.  My nieces and I decorated them.

Presents for the Grandkids

My niece

Husband.  wow.  Probably the worst picture of him ever! Love you babe!

My brother, trying out for sexiest man of the year award, with his son and my two nieces

My dad.  Poor guy was sick and didn't move from this chair.

Some barbie thing I built for my niece.  That stuff is insane these days!

My nephew and his lego.  Love this kid.

The boys did a gingerbread train.  Supposedly it was in an accident.

We made a house.  Those are some mad skills I tell you!

My accomplice and I.  She is too fun!