Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I am alive.
I have hope.
For the first time in a long time.
My boss asked me today if I am fixed. I laughed! NO!!! I am not fixed. I have hope, I have a plan, and I have a support group of safe people surrounding me now so that I can finally GET fixed. I am so excited.
Part of the week was that we had to create an action plan. It was hard. We had to pick three or four things to do that would help us become who we want to be. I know that this sounds loopy, but it makes sense. We tend to not do things for us. The things that make us happy. We also talk ourselves out of the things that we should do or want to do. I am starting to change that.
My action plan:
1. Start walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes, 5 days a week.
2. I am going to read for at least 30 minutes, 5 days a week. Not trash, but the bible or a book that will help me grow in my faith and in my leadership.
3. I am going to take guitar lessons.
4. I am going to start going to counselling. Not just light stuff but an actual phsycologist.
I am really excited. I will be working on my heart, my mind, my body and having fun. It will be good. I started this week. I am doing good so far.
I have to admit that I am scared, but at the same time, I have a lot of support and that is good. That is a nice change. It is amazing when you ask for help, people give it to you.
I am not looking for some more safe people in my life. People that would be willing to be my friends, but would also keep me on track and just love me and support me. To pray with and talk with and to be able to ask for help if needed. If anyone reads this and you pray, could you pray that I find some more of these people?
Time to go to bed. I will write more soon on everything that I learned and dealt with this last week.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
John Townsend prayed with me today and asked for my contact information. He wants to find me a phsycologist. Ouch. I knew I needed it, but to be told by someone like that was kinda tough. He then told me that I need a long term person. That I need to go at least 2 times a week and for a few years minimum.
How do I tell people that? How do I deal with the backlash? For some reason, a lot of people that I know think that therapy if for idiots.
Well world? I AM AN IDIOT!!! I guess.
I am tired. I am tired of feeling this way. I want this week to end. I want to go home and start the changes that I need in my life. I need some. I need to make some boundaries. It is time that I start protecting me. My time, my heart and my values. I need to add some growth to my days. I need to start a schedule. I need some changes.
Now to actually do them.
Anyone want to be my accountability person?!?!?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
I have never felt so broken. In our first process group I thought I was gonna die. I finally admitted some of the anger towards my mom. That was hard. I am soooo mad at her. I don't even know how to describe it. If I could talk to her it would probably include:
~ I hate how you were never proud of me
~ I hate that you could never just except me for me!
~ I hate that you had an issue with my weight and could not get past it to see the real me
~ I hate that you favored my sister and brother so deliberatly
~ I wanted a mom to love me
~ I wanted a mom to nurture me
~ I wanted a mom who would not blame me for all her hurts as well as my own
~ I wanted a mom who would just take care of me
~ I wanted a mom who would believe me when I spoke
~ I wanted a mom who was not angry at me all the time
~ I wanted a mom who could say I'm sorry
I will never have that person. I am angry. I am hurt. I wanted more.
I can't be like this forever. Through the grace of God I was saved. Through the grace of God, I am here today. I SERVE A GOD WHO IS ABLE!!!!!
I SERVE A GOD WHO IS ABLE TO KEEP ME FROM FALLING
A GOD WHO WILL DO EXCEEDINGLY
A GOD WHO WILL NEVER LEAVE OR FORSAKE ME
A GOD WHO WILL NEVER LEAVE
I am asking right now that you will heal me. That you will do a miracle in my heart and allow me to fully forgive her for what she never was. I ask that you will fill me with your love and with a peace. That you will do a good work in me and replace the hurt with joy. Thank you for being the God that you are. Thank you for the opportunity to be with me in this week. Thank you for my group. Thank you for the wisdom and acceptance that I am recieving from them. Thank you for the love and support and lack of judgement that I am getting. Lord, I ask that you would take this broken person that I am and make me whole. Help the anger to leave. Help the tears to actually wash away the pain. I love you Lord.
In Jesus name,
Sunday, September 20, 2009
It was a learning session. What the conference would be, some stories from past years, what to expect, what teams we were on and got our schedules.
I am in the green team. I feel so out of place! They are all big business owners and CEO's and have kids older than me. There are one or two in their late 30's but that is all! My group is 7 people. Three girls and four guys. There is one really quiet guy that just sits and stares at you in a really intimidating way. I kinda like him! I am not sure why! I will stare him down yet!
This week is going to rock. I already bought some books. You can get them here for the american price minus 15% which is like half the price of at home. I might need a second suitcase to bring home all my crap.
The books that I have bought are:
~Hiding from Love
~9 things you simply must do to succeed in love and life
~Loving people-How to love and be loved
~12 "Christian" beliefs that can drive you crazy
I have a lot of reading to do. I can't wait to read some of them. I swear looking at the book table was like looking at my screwed up brain but with hope and answers to my problems. Kinda crazy. The one nice thing about everyday is that you have a one and a half hour break everyday where you can run away from it all and focus on what you have learned.
I am really excited about tomorow. I talked to husband tonight and he says that he will come back with me next year if I want to come again. I think that might just have to happen!
Till tomorow! (I have to be at breakfast at 7 am!!!!!)
P.S. I keep getting told how incredibly cute my accent is! One lady told me that she could listen to me talk all day! Too funny!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I have decided that I could live in Beverly Hills. I wish that I had the body and the money needed to shop on Rodeo Drive. I just about got run over trying to take this picture!!
Below is my favorite street. It had the most amazing houses. Very hacienda style with amazing landscaping. I love them! I could have taken pictures of them all!
I went to Disneyland. I went to the Rainforest Cafe for dinner. It is always amazing! I love it! I have been there a few times. I went to get pictures with Mickey and Minnie! Mickey totally mauled me! It was kinda funny! His face is stinkin hard! It kinda hurt! Oh well. Thought of grabbing his butt but decided not to.
This was me driving in rush hour yesterday. I was an idiot and tried to get from north LA to Laguna Beach during rush hour. It took me almost 4 hours to get to my location and I spent most of that drive going 10 miles per hour. It was painful! But I am here.
Everything starts tomorow. I am kind of excited! I think that I will sleep till I naturally wake up for starters, then go find some breakfast! I am planning on just checking out Laguna Beach tomorow and taking some pictures of the ocean. This is a really beautiful place and I would like to spend a little time finding some cool places that I can run away to later in the week when I need a change of pace.
SO, I decided that I am going to take today for me. For my mental health, but in a happy world. I am going to Disneyland. I am not going to read any books, I am not going to think about why I am here. That can happen tomorow. This all starts tomorow at 4:00pm, so why not just enjoy today!
So, I am heading to the big ol Disneyland. It is 9:30 right now and I am still in my PJ's but that is ok. I am in no rush. I have no schedule. No one is waiting for me. I am going to go have a shower, get dressed in a cute little skirt and shirt, load up some money, hop in the rental and go check this place out on my way to the park. There is a theater there as well, so I think that I might hit up a movie tonight!
I woke up this morning in a good mood. I keep telling myself that I am strong. I can do this. I have nothing going on for 8 more days except me. Myself. I. I can do what I want, when I want with no one counting on me for anything. I can be happy or sad or angry or excited and it doesn't matter! I can just be me!
So, today, I am going to spend time in Toon Town, which is one place that husband would not go. I am going to eat the weird food, watch the parades, watch the odd shows and go on only the rides that I want. I think that I spend too much time thinking about what everyone else wants and not enought time thinking about me. This might sound really odd, but I do this. I am not talking about becoming conceited and arrogant, I am talking about standing up for what I want. What interests me. I am setting boundaries. I am still going to try to make people happy (my hubby) but I think that that is also something that I love to do. I AM going to start thinking for myself. The decisions that I make for me.
This is a weird concept for me. I am not sure how this will go. I think that I am going to struggle. It is sad, but I actually phoned a few people yesterday to ask what I should do today. WHAT THE FUH IS THAT!!! They are not here. They don't care!
So here we go! I am going to go get ready for the day, grab a pumpkin spice latte to drink on the drive and I am going to go see Mickey Mouse.
Talk to you later!
P.S. Does anyone actually read this thing? It is about to get really interesting. I am going to use this as my journal for the next week. So, if you don't want an internal look into my brain and my thoughts, I might skip reading for the next week or two!
Friday, September 18, 2009
I arrived around noon.
I am terrified.
I spent the day driving around LA wondering what I was doing here.
It finally hit me.
I am here to deal with the past.
I am alone.
I don't deal well with being alone.
I am getting really depressed.
I am trying hard to not be depressed.
I am trying hard to be happy.
I wish that someone was here for me. Someone to make me happier. Someone to get my mind off of my life right now.
I am alone.
And I need to be.
I need to build my strength.
I need to figure out who I really am.
I need to figure out how to deal with my life on my own with no ones help but Gods.
I need to do this.
I think that I will go to Disneyland tomorow.
After all, it is the happiest place on earth, right?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I emailed some really good friends and family last night to admit what is going on and to ask for help and prayer.
Hardest thing I think that I have ever done.
To admit my pain and my fears and all my struggles.
I might be gone for the next few days from here, but I might be on here to vent nightly! We will see!
Wish me luck!!!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
My 9x13 closet with all custom wardrobes. I love it. I can't imagine having a little tiny closet again.
Amazing fresh food. Tomato, fresh mozza and basil salad. Drizzled with balsamic vinegar and extra virgin olive oil
My fabulous dog. She is a toy fox terrier and is hilarious. She is feisty and hilarious and has in insane personality. I have always hated little dogs until her. I love her like crazy. She is awesome.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I felt lost! I felt completely confused. I felt completely discombobulated. I never thought that this day would come. I have always enjoyed days like today. To wander the house and just hang out and do a WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING!!!!!
Not today. I have no idea what happened! I ended up making chocolate chip banana bread, roast beef, gravy, yorkshire pudding, mashed potatoes, candied carrots and a nice bottle of wine! I also did a bank deposit, subscribed to the newspaper, bought two sweaters, bought groceries, did a run for the store.....I think that is it!
And I still felt bored. I don't know what is wrong with me. I need a life. I am going to go to the office tomorow. I am sure that there is lots to do there. What a life.
Monday, September 7, 2009
This is one of my many flower beds. I love the randomness of the flowers and colors. Makes me very happy to look at!
These are my tiny lillies! The package said 12-18 inches in height. Yeah...Sure....
Flowers make me happy. My mom and I used to plant flowers together all the time. I love them. I suck at watering, I suck at weeding, but man alive. When they look like this? They are worth all the work.
I am in a good mood today. The books are hard to read. The work on me personally is hard. My job is busy and I am stressed at times right now. But, at the end of the day? Things are good. I have an amazing job and I am madly in love with my husband, who by the way made me breakfast today :) He rocks. He is awesome. He allows me to be me. He allows me to be free. He laughs at me, he laughs with me? and more than anything, he loves me.
Today is a good day. I can't wait for my trip for the conference. I think that I am going to enjoy just spending some time all by myself, with nothing better to do than sip a coffee, stare at palm trees and maybe go to a park or market or two.
Today is the day. The day that my stress levels lower themselves and I turn my life around. I may as well start one day!
I think that it is time to go to bed. Later!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Wow. It is hard to read. It is about changes in your life and your past and how to deal with it and understand it in order to make your present and future better. I have never gotten so mad reading a book before! It is insane. I have struggled my entire life. With feeling connected to people, with letting me be me, with feeling loved, with every piece of me. I have always wondered how other people feel so happy. How they feel so normal and with it and why does it seem like I am the only one!!!
I am now realizing that my past sucks. Not my life, but different things that have happened even in the womb that have changed how I am now. I am really mad about this. I was talking to my sister the other day and telling her about the section of the book that talks about bonding. I never realized that this was my big problem, until I read the book. I then found out that when my mom was pregnant with me, she didn't want me. I should word that different. She was so traumatized from my sisters birth that she was terrified to have me. I guess that she stuggled with me for a long time. She had a hard time connecting to me and fully loving me. The BONDING didn't happen.
Man. That came out of no where. I was so shocked to hear that. I was not sure how to take it. I started reading my book again and it all started to make sense. Now, how do I deal with this. How to connect again? How to deal with this and let go of this new anger that I have towards my mom. Should I be mad at her? I feel right now that I should be. She set me up for failure. Did she know what she was doing? No. Did she get mad at me and judge me my entire life for the problems that stemmed from this? YES!!! She did. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Yearly. I don't remember a time that I felt fully loved and accepted from her. Now she is dead. I can't even fix this. I can't have closure with her. I don't know how to deal.
Where do I go from here.....
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Dad moved in after my mom died which has been okay. It has been good but is hard sometimes due to the lack of privacy. Now, husbands best friend moved in. It is different. I miss husband. It is hard. Today I had to finally officially give up my "me" space. That is where I had my stuff. Books, crafts, crap and all the sayings and things that made me happy. They are now spread all over the house in a messy fashion. It will work. I feel like I need a bigger house!!
He claimes that he will only be here for about 6 months. I don't believe him! I think that he will be here for a few years. I would not be suprised....is this good? Is this bad? Not sure.
I have to admit, the money for rent is nice. It will definatly put an extra little dent in the debt. That will make it all worth while I hope. Oh well. I am exhausted. I need to sleep! BUT, it is only 6 pm, so I am going to rest on the couch, watch a little tv and then go to bed early.
Friday, September 4, 2009
I am doing something. I am actually going to try to heal all this crap! I am heading to Laguna Beach in two weeks to go to a conference. I am attending the "Ultimate Leadership" conference held there. I am going to finally deal with all my crap.
Wow. I am actually kind of excited. I am reading the three books that they recommend for me to read and at this point, I am shocked at what I am learning. It is causing some problems, and I am becoming very angry about what I am learning, but I will deal with that. I will post more on this tomorow or another day.
Today if Friday. Today is the beginning of a long weekend. This means that the husband is home. This means that I might actually get to see him a little bit! I can't wait. Right now, he is playing xbox with his best friend, but maybe tomorow? Then I can kidnap him and have some time.
Today was a good day though, followed by a nice dinner. I made Peanut Chicken Saute. So good....love that stuff. Here is a current picture of me! I was just at a wedding. It was good! Later people....if anyone actually reads this.