What a day so far. The day started off with a teaching time with Dr. Henry Cloud. Man, what a guy. I wish that I could just spend about a month in his presense learning all that he knows. It would take a lot longer than that though.
I have never felt so broken. In our first process group I thought I was gonna die. I finally admitted some of the anger towards my mom. That was hard. I am soooo mad at her. I don't even know how to describe it. If I could talk to her it would probably include:
~ I hate how you were never proud of me
~ I hate that you could never just except me for me!
~ I hate that you had an issue with my weight and could not get past it to see the real me
~ I hate that you favored my sister and brother so deliberatly
~ I wanted a mom to love me
~ I wanted a mom to nurture me
~ I wanted a mom who would not blame me for all her hurts as well as my own
~ I wanted a mom who would just take care of me
~ I wanted a mom who would believe me when I spoke
~ I wanted a mom who was not angry at me all the time
~ I wanted a mom who could say I'm sorry
I will never have that person. I am angry. I am hurt. I wanted more.
I can't be like this forever. Through the grace of God I was saved. Through the grace of God, I am here today. I SERVE A GOD WHO IS ABLE!!!!!
I SERVE A GOD WHO IS ABLE TO KEEP ME FROM FALLING
A GOD WHO WILL DO EXCEEDINGLY
A GOD WHO WILL NEVER LEAVE OR FORSAKE ME
A GOD WHO WILL NEVER LEAVE
I am asking right now that you will heal me. That you will do a miracle in my heart and allow me to fully forgive her for what she never was. I ask that you will fill me with your love and with a peace. That you will do a good work in me and replace the hurt with joy. Thank you for being the God that you are. Thank you for the opportunity to be with me in this week. Thank you for my group. Thank you for the wisdom and acceptance that I am recieving from them. Thank you for the love and support and lack of judgement that I am getting. Lord, I ask that you would take this broken person that I am and make me whole. Help the anger to leave. Help the tears to actually wash away the pain. I love you Lord.
In Jesus name,