Saturday, October 31, 2009
So, I woke up this morning, made breakfast for my boys and me (my husband and Dad) and then decided I was bored. Husband and I decided to go to town to get groceries and somehow we ended up getting paint instead of the groceries.
Paint. I am insane. We then came home and we are in the middle of redoing the office. I spend a lot of time in here and I am so excited to have a really cool room. I am painting it a really dark grey and a lighter grey (aqua undertones). I bought a really cool art deco wall thing, and I am so excited. We ripped apart the closet and built new shelves which I love and we are starting the paint tomorrow. I will post pictures when it is done.
Husband thinks that I am insane. He loves me though and goes along with my little whims ;) I can't wait for it to be done. I need to find an IKEA for the curtains that I want, but other than that, I have everything. It is going to be kind of cool and modern but cozy and clean.
I know, this is a boring post, but it is what I am doing!!!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Not sure I am sad or happy! We will see. At least I get two trips still.
Today was a good day. I got together with a friend and her children. It was awesome. I am so comfortable with her and I think that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We had lunch and visited lots and watched the kids play. It was awesome!
Tomorrow is going to be a good day. I have not slept more than four hours per night since Monday. I am finally feeling tired. Really tired. Deliriously tired. I am needing to go to bed soon. I am hoping that tonight is the night that I sleep all the way through!
Time to go have a long hot bath, some coconut steamed milk, and a good book and then bed.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
What to do.....what to do....
Opportunities come and go in our lives. I like to think that I am pretty good at grabbing them and taking advantage of them.
Husband and I have had a few good ones come up in our lives and I like to think that GOD is guiding them. I like to think that they come to many people, it is just if you are looking for them and seeking them out that you see them.
I got handed an opportunity tonight. I said yes. I will find out in December if it will happen.
Are you ready? Wanna find out what it is? Curious?
Not telling you.
So, I got an email from the franchise owner for the restaurant that I own. There is an opportunity to open a second one in my town. Not just a second one, but one in the new aquatic/wellness center. It would be the one source of food other than a sit down restaurant. The center will see about 1,000,000 people per year and there are insane amounts of people surrounding this building. It is in the middle of being built into a complex with a huge high school, an arena, a gymnastics center, and a whole pile of housing. It is also across from the field where a college campus is supposed to be built. Insane. It could be amazing. It is completely scary. I would have to sign on the dotted line in order to be part of this in the next two months. It would be open to customers in about 2 years. Crazy. It would make my life insane and bring me a lot of stress but also it could be amazing for my business. Husband mentioned at one point tonight in talking about it that we would have to make some changes. I would have a whole lot more work happening then now and I would have to quit some things or hire some people.
Scared. A huge fear of mine is that the "fear of failure will keep me from succeeding". This is something that I deal with all the time. I am always scared to step out and do something insane. People that know me will laugh at this because I am a pro at it! I do it out of fear of the above statement.
I am praying that it is a good decision for us. It is a financial insanity and it could be amazing or it could kill us financially in this economy. But what do you do? You just try and see what happens.
So, any words of advice? Should I do this? Should I not? Should I grab both reigns and go for the ride and see what happens?
We will see!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
- Sleeping in together with morning cuddles
- Making dinner together most nights, and eating before 8 pm
- Gnd evenings watching tv, movies or hanging in the hottub
- going shopping together. Did you know that he has not entered a grocery store since March?
- Road trips. Many many road trips. To Vancouver, Vancouver Island, Seattle, Calgary, Edmonton, Winnipeg, Thunder Bay, Toronto....who knows where else?!?
- Christmas with some amazing friends in Terrace (add that to above list)
- Renovations in the house. I love renovations. They make me happy!
These are only some of the reasons that I woke up smiling this morning.
Two weeks. Only 14 days. A lot to get done. Love it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
I know, I know. Everyone loves fall. I usually do too! Except this year, fall decided to end before this month. It sucks. I hate it!
I hate the weather. Seriously world! What is with this? Figure out what the hell you want and get it together!!!!!!
I hate the temperature. Do I wear a sweater....do I wear a jacket....do I wear a long sleeve shirt....do I wear a snow suit with gloves and scarves and the whole nine yards. I am chilled, I am hot, I am dry, I am wet.
I hate the clouds and the rain and the huge changes in temperature. I broke my back when I was twelve and have really bad arthritis in my hands. Such lovely issues to have in such huge weather changes. Can't sleep. Can't survive all this !!!!!
Ok, ok. I am done bitching. All done.
This month isn't all bad.
This is the last whole month of husband working non stop.
This is the month that I get to start dreaming up all the things that we will do all winter.
This is the month that I get excited to cook. Every year at this time. I try new recipes like crazy and buy really weird groceries. I love it. So do a lot of the people in my house.
This is the month that we have thanksgiving. The holiday where we sit back and eat too much food and spend a lot of time thinking about all the things that we are thankful for. Some years are good and some are bad. There is always something to be happy about though.
This is the month that my youngest niece was born. She is great! I love that kid to death! She is a complete monkey with an attitude a mile wide and she lives in her own little world. I wish that I could live there with her some days. I am lucky to be her aunt.
This is the month that the days get a little shorter and the nights a little longer. I wake up when it is dark and eat dinner when it is dark. It is kinda weird and cool all at the same time. It means that in summer, we get insanely long days. Light at 4 am till 11 pm. Nuts! But fun.
This is the first October in the history of me that I do not want to be dead. I am excited to be alive. I am on a journey to healing and I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!! I am happy. I am feeling lethargic and have no energy and no motivation and feel like I am in a slump. But.....I am happy. I am smiling a lot and thinking of all the good things.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
20 years ago:
1. I was nine years old and way too developed
2. I had a really bad boy hair cut
3. I went to the Christian school for a year and hated every minute of it
10 years ago:
1. Became engaged to the most amazing man ever
2. I had a really long year of brain aneurysm recovery
3. I had dreams of being a wife and a mom and couldn't wait to start my new life as a married woman
5 years ago:
1. I thought that I was sooooo old. Really struggled with that birthday.
2. Husbands health was doing really bad.
3. I was in a job that I hated and was trying to find a way out of it.
3 years ago:
1. Husband and I started to really travel.
2. I bought my baby. My dog Paige. She is a toy fox terrier and the funnest dog you have ever seen.
3. I started thinking about my life and what needed to change.
1 year ago:
1. I bought a restaurant. The biggest learning curve to date.
2. We renovated our basement and made an amazing bedroom for ourselves and moved downstairs so that dad could have the master bedroom.
3. I realized that I could not do this a whole lot longer. My life needed to change.
So far this year:
1. I have travelled to Las Vegas, Terrace, Los Angelas, Laguna Beach, Banff x 3, Vanderhoof and Prince George. I am still going to Seattle, Vancouver, Vancouver Island, Terrace, Edmonton and Calgary.
2. I went to Ultimate Leadership and started a huge life change.
3. I started counselling with a local physcologist.
1. Made out with my husband. It was amazing!
2. Went to a movie with a great friend way too late and ended up awake till 4 am.
3. Spend a lot of time at work and got lots done. It felt nice.
1. Got my period. I know I know....TMI! Get over it.
2. Tried all day to get ahold of WCB in Edmonton only to find out later that they were being held hostage and were not available! Kinda sad and funny at the same time!!
3. Will have a really long hot bath again and read a good book and maybe sip a glass of wine!
1. Will get my hair cut and colored. Not sure what I should have done! Will find out then!
2. Go to my next therapy session.
3. Start guitar lessons.
In the next year I:
1. Will get a lot of healing. Will go to a New Life Ministries conference in November.
2. Hope to spend a lot of it really happy. Laughing a lot and smiling a lot.
3. Want to write a whole lot more of my cookbook. I hope that it happens!
I have struggled with this for while. When I was 14, I was sexually abused by my uncle. I will not go into details at to what he did to me, but it was damaging both physically and mentally. The whole time he was doing what he did, he would whisper in my ear. He would tell me how much he loved my body and how he wanted to make it his, etc. This went on and on, for hours over a 2 day period. Mainly at night when everyone else was sleeping.
After we went home, I struggled a lot with hearing his voice. If it was ever quiet or lonely, I would hear his voice and feel his hands. I still do every once in a while. I realized today that this is probably why I like to read happy/romance/cheesy books before I go to bed. Why I read till I actually pass out, not just get tired. I want to fill my mind with happy love and I am also still a little nervous about falling asleep.
I have dealt with a lot since then, and evertime something goes wrong, I can ignore it in the day time, but once things are quiet (even in the middle of the day) or it is time for bed, my mind relaxed enought to actually release the feelings. When my mom died, I would wake up sobbing. Husband claims he hardly slept for a month or so, because of this.
I am finding that it is happening a lot more lately. If I am driving, but not on the phone or listening to music. If I am cooking, and not talking to someone or watching tv. If I am sitting by myself at all and just relaxing, these thought all come back to me. 29 years worth of negative crap and it attacks me. It eats me up! It is insane.
This is my year of healing. It started on September 20th and is going strong. I am allowing myself to feel. I am allowing myself to hurt. I am demanding healing and that I deal with issues. I am going to a phycologist and doing the whole therapy/couch thing. I want change.
I wonder how I am going to deal with this though? How do you stop yourself from sinking? How do you stop yourself from feeling and these thoughts that just won't stop coming? It scares me to actually live with these emotions that these thoughts bring. I am scared that if I try to deal with these issues, fully grieve them, that it will be too much and I will get too depressed and it will kill me.
I guess I will have to ask the doctor tomorow.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
- Husband is home late from work. I hate that. No choice. Good thing it was only leftovers night.
- I am going to a movie with a friend tonight. Really excited.
- I am dealing with a WCB scam case at work right now and it is not bringing out the best in my personality.
- I am liking the weather right now. I like wearing sweaters. I think I need some new sweaters.
- I want it to be a month from now so that I can actually see my husband more often.
- I have a lot of stuff I should be doing right now and am spending way too many hours sitting or laying on my couch and watching Castle and the Mentalist.
- I have actually made a lot of the meals on my meal plan.
- I am tired.
- I am having a hard time with my depression.
- I am going to counselling again this week. Thursday.
- I also have a hair appointment that day. Husband wants me to stay blonde, I want some color. Maybe some crazy streaks?
- I am wanting to kill my roomates. Sometimes. Once winter hits, this will get better.
- The business at the restaurant is hopefully picking up.
- I drink a mug of hot coconut milk everday. I love it. It makes me smile.
- I have been eating a cheddar/jalepeno wrap with scrambled eggs, chorizo sausage, cheese and cilantro every morning for breakfast. It is a good start to a day.
- I am in love with my husband and have been making out with him a lot this week ;)
- I like bullet points.
- It makes it easier to not have to write a lot of sentences and paragraphs.
- I am craving spinach dip.
- I would like wings.
- I am working really hard on staying happy and positive this week.
- I am finding it easier than you would think.
- My dog has chosen a spot on the couch and actually swats me with her paws and gets mad at me if I sit in it. Absolutely hilarious. My dad thinks my dog is nuts.
- I am going to go fluff my hair.
- Wow. That sounded retarded.
Friday, October 16, 2009
This week, I am planning to make:
- Spinach, ricotta lasagne and five cheese garlic toast with a tossed salad (tonight...I can smell it cooking!!! YUMMY!)
- Egg, chorizo and cilantro wraps with a fruit salad (I love breakfast food)
- Roast beef with yorkshire pudding, garlic mashed potatoes and candied carrots
- Corn Chowder and homemade bread with butter
- Chicken Taco Salad
I think that that is it. I only pick five nights when I do meal plans. I find that either we eat out or we eat leftovers at least two nights a week so it makes no sense to plan for all 7. I then get really annoyed and discouraged that I only cooked 5 nights instead of 7. Lowering your expectations for yourself is sometimes nice! It keeps you from being dissapointed!!!
Time to go eat!
What do you guys eat? What kind of meals do you eat? Do you do meal plans? Let me know!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
My mom's grave. I spent a lot of time there this trip crying and starting my healing process. It was incredibly hard but good. I brought her an angel and some new flowers, cleaned up some weeds and rearranged some decorations that were there.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I am sick now. Really sick. I am sitting on my couch and trying to build the energy to go have a hot bath and go to sleep. I will make a bigger post tomorow with pictures of my weekend.
I hate being sick. Chad can't even take care of me or give me any attention because he can't get sick from me. That sucks. So, I am going to go whine to myself and stop it on here.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I am then going to visit family for the weekend for Thanksgiving. I am really looking forward to it. I have not seen them in a lot of months and I need to go.
While I am there, I am going to go to my mom's grave. It is high time that she and I have a conversation. I have some healing to do and some crying to do. I can't say that I am looking forward to this, but after the UL Conference that I went to, I know that I need some help. I also need some counselling.
I am looking forward to going to do all this. It will be good. I will let you know what is going on.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
My husband works all the time. He starts work at 5 am and works until 8 pm every night. He does this 6 days a week from April till end of November. It sucks. He loves his job and I understand that but I miss him. I want to spend time with him. I love him and want to be with him!
He had the day off today. The weather was so gross that he actually got to stay home today. So, what did he do? I had a date this morning with a friend and he said to still do it so that he could get his stuff done that he needed to do. Then we would hang out. So, right before I get home, at set time, he leaves with our roomate and informs me he will be back in 3 or so hours and that he didn't do anything else that he said he would do and so now he has to do that this afternoon if he ever comes home.
Mad. Kinda mad.
Is this justified? He says that we can hang out tonight, when I have a pre-set date to go to the movies with a friend.
Kinda feeling left out.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Today was a day. The boys at the roadbuilding place are all in the midst of the worlds biggest cock-fight! I swear! These guys are the most immature people I have ever met! One guy threw some garbage on the ground. Another guy called him on it. They almost ended up in fisty cuffs! It was amazing! We actually had to talk four guys down from having a fight. These guys are not all 18. They are all 25+. I am amazed. When are they going to grow up? Is this for real?
Then, at the restaurant, a girl didn't show up for her shift. Whatever. This happens. But, when someone finally got ahold of her? She had a family emergency and is leaving town. No timeline, no nothing! Why didn't she at least call me? I was raised that you tell your boss what is going on. I am going to have to let her go I think. This is about number 15 of her pissing me off since I hired her. She is just dead weight. I am so frustrated.
But on another note, even with all the crap that has happened this week, and today was just a minor day, I have been happy! Tired, but happy! I am doing ok! I am terrified that I am going to fail and get really depressed and fall back to where I was. I got another email from a "green" today (by the way, greens are the people in my group at Ultimate Leadership) and it made my day! I was sad to hear that she is struggling but was so happy to know that she cares! I know that that sounds so odd, but it is good.
I start guitar lessons tomorow. I am excited. I worked out 3 times this week. I have made a good dinner every night. I am getting everything done and it is feeling good. I feel overwhelmed though at the idea of everything else that I have to do this next week.
Time to go! I am going to go cuddle my husband and watch some episodes of House.