And here we go....

I don't remember the first time that I was told that I should write a book of my life. So, here is my version of life. I am not sure why I started a blog, other than the fact that I need an outlet to vent somedays and I am not sure that I could say most of this out loud.

My life.......is........ not like the average persons. People always say to not dwell on the past. I am not sure how you just move on when such crap seems to always happen. I am having a rough night. I am not sure why. I am incredibly depressed today. I have so much running through my mind right now that I am not even sure where to start.

1. My mom is dead. I am not sure how to deal with this. I am so angry at her right now. Not at the fact that she is dead but at other things that happened before she died and I am not sure how to let all of this go with no closure on the whole thing. I will deal with this later.

2. My grandpa is dying. The man that has lied to me and hurt me more than you could possibly ever imagine. The hatred, the lying, the pain is insane! and now he gets to leave this earth and take it all with him and not ever deal with me again. How is that fair? I am not sure I can deal with that right now.

3. Husband is sick. He is dying of Chrohn's disease and I am not sure how I will be ok if he has to stop working again. He is on a good medication right now that has stopped working quite as efficiently as it should. How much time do I have with him? Again, a whole other post for a different day.

4. Someone is sabotaging my business. Someone wants me to fail. I am not sure how to fix it. I have so many people counting on me. I wish that I could sell it but if you look at number 3, you will understand why I need to keep it going. Life insurance doesn't happen for people with a disease.

5. On top of it all, I have a full time job that I have to do. I am also the cook, bookkeeper, house cleaner and everything else that is needed at home.

I am tired. I was talking to a friend lately and she said to take one item at a time and deal with it then. I don't know how. I am a christian and love God. I make that statement with a numbness that I shouldn't have. I feel sometimes that I have been abandoned by God. I have a strong base to my faith and know that I am not alone, but it is harder to convince my heart of this even though my head knows.

I guess that this is the start. This is where I am going to tell the truth. Where I am planning on telling my life story. Where I am going to start dealing with my hurt.


And here we go.......