Family Post 1.2

Just found out grandma knew all along.

Ouch.

She still treated me that way.

Ouch.

Thinking I am not going to see her.

Not sure I am willing to allow myself to be hurt that much more again.

I am finally dealing with some of this stuff.

I am finally not hurting so bad.

This whole thing is making me physically ill and making me so sad.

I am so sick of it all.

Fuck.

Family....or not....

I need help.

I do not know how to feel.

Yesterday I got a call from my dad informing me that my grandma has cancer and it could be bad.  I am trying to decide if I care.  I know that sounds harsh.  Let me give you some background.

When I was 14, I was sexually abused by my uncle.  Not cool.  I told my parents who told the family and tried to deal with it in their own way.  In their defence, they were both raised in strong mennonite homes in which you bury your head in the sand and don't deal with things.  They tried their hardest and the relatives just ignored it.  To show support, my aunt and uncle sent their three daughters to his house a few weeks later for him to babysit.  Sick.  Sick and wrong if you ask me.

This has been an ongoing issue with the extended family now for a long time.  16 whole years to be exact. Since then, I have gone to the cops, just to have to cancel everything because I had a brain aneurysm and was forbid from the doctors to deal with it for three years (they think the stress of it all caused my aneurysm), gone to Manitoba to talk to them, had numerous phone calls, face to face visits, etc....just to have them phone me and kick me officially out of the family about 5 years ago.  Yup.  Very cool people.  Want their numbers? They rock! No one has tried to even talk to me about what happened.  My mom was killed two years ago and a whole bunch of them came to the funeral including this grandma.  She didn't even say hi.  She did not hug me or even try to talk to me.  She has been married to my prick of a grandpa for over 50 years and I don't think she even knows what all happened.  I think that she has spent so long being the submissive housewife that she is not the real her anymore.  I loved this grandma.  She was amazing.....for those first 14 years.  She cooked with me and did crafts with me and would let me style her hair.  She was warm and loving and hid if from a lot of people.  She would cuddle with me and hug me and would tell me she loved me.  I have only good memories of her.

So, here is the thing.  Do I go see her? Up till now, it was not possible because the family would not let me see her but the old prick is in a home now dying and she is home alone.  I could drive down there with no one knowing it and see her.  I could talk to her and hug her and ...... I don't even know.  I don't know if it will help or not.  After my mom's funeral, she was at my dad's house and just watched me.  She had tears in her eyes and looked like she wanted to talk but was not allowed.  I have some mean relatives that will not even let her near me.  I am not sure why.  She is 84 and having surgery soon and I don't know if it will hurt if she dies because there was a lack of relationship or if it will be like any other old lady dying.  

I could ignore all this, as I would never see her again anyways, but will it hurt too much?

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and don't pass this to anyone who knows all this stuff, because they will find a way to ban me from going if I decide to.

Do I go?

Do I just mourn her now?

I have forgiven her, why does this hurt so much?

Do stay home?

Husband is no help.  He will go or he will stay, but he will not tell me what to do.  He is not close to his family so he has no idea what this feels like.

Wanna know how my dad found out? My sister read it on a cousins facebook page and told him.  Ouch..

I am back!

Hello world!

Have I mentioned lately how tired I am? Holy crap! Life is good though.  Husband and I spent a week driving all over the world (well, maybe just two provinces) but it was insane! We drove almost 3000+ kms in four days and it was insane! I still feel tired! We were then home for one day, left to visit the inlaws for a day and then we were home for a day and then we went to the previous home for 5 days to deal with the selling of the house and the business and stuff.  We saw no one and were insanely busy that whole time.  We not only had meetings galore but traded in out beloved 2009 Nissan Titan LE that we loved on a car.  Need something better on fuel mileage.  It was nuts.  We then left there and came back to the new home and 4 hours later? COMPANY SHOWED UP!!! We are loving having our company though. 

We decided to become tacky tourists today and went to the big ol mall.  It was hilarious.  We people watched and ate random food and loved it all.  We bought a few little things and just relaxed.  Tomorrow we have to do an IKEA run and go find something at the university and a whole bunch of random things.  It will be fun though.  The boys are going to be installing a security system in the house.  We are then going to finish the office stuff.  I can't wait till it is all done.

I still wonder what this is that we are doing.  Does that make sense? I wonder about our lives and what is coming.  I wonder some times why God keeps sending us on all these adventures.  What is he prepping us for? Hmmmmmm.............

I need to sleep.  This is going to be a big week! I can't wait.

Mothers Day

I hate today.

Strong words.  I know.

I am not a mom.  I wanted to be.  The choice was taken away from me due to health issues and adoption is not an option due to health issues/stupid rules/money.  I never like this day every year.  It reminds me that I am not a mom.  No one is making me breakfast in bed.  No one is saying "I love you mom!".  No one bought me a card.  I don't know.  It just reminds me every year that I will never have that.

It also sucks because my mom is not here anymore.  When she was alive, at least I had something to celebrate on this day.  Now? Not so much.  SO, today I am going to skip the Mom service at church, I am going to go shopping and buy some new clothes, I am going to hang out with Husband and just relax.  I am then going to have a bubble bath, light some candles and read a book.  It WILL be a good day.  I will not be sad, I will not dwell on what I do not have, I will smile and love my life and avoid looking at small children at all costs! It is good.  I am ok.


Now to convince my heart of that.......

Frustrations

Conversation I had earlier today that made me a little angry.....seriously people


Me: Hi! I would like a Venti, non fat, half toffee nut, half vanilla caramel macciato.  Could you please stir it before the drizzle and double cup it? Thanks.  Oh, and could I get a little extra drizzle? You rock.

Her: For sure! Anything else?

Me: Well, if you could please put the shots in as soon as possible because I really hate bitter coffee (shots of expresso are actually considered "dropped" if they sit for more than 10 seconds before hittting milk.  That is what makes coffee bitter)

Her: Oh definately.  I understand.  Don't you hate it when people do that?

I pay, I walk to the other side of the counter and proceed in watching her make my not that  impossible drink.

Step One: Start shots
Step Two: Start milk
Step Three: Add syrup to cup, but do only half the syrup asked for

Me: Um, excuse me, I think you forgot the toffee nut

Her: Oh.  It doesn't come with this drink.

Me: But I asked for half and half.

Her: Well.  It is not what the cup says.

Shots have now sat for about 1.5 minutes.

Me: Could I please have new shots? Those are dropped and black.

Her: No, they are fine.

Me: Um, they are black.  That makes it bitter.  Could I please have new ones? (getting a little impatient)

I then realize that she is making two drinks instead of one double cupped one.

Me: Oh! That was supposed to just be one drink double cupped.

Her: No, it is two different drinks.

Me: No, really.  I only ordered one.

She then proceeds to completely ignore me as she pours in nasty ass shots, doesn't stir it, puts in too much foam so when she puts the 1 cup of caramel drizzle on top it just pours down the sides and makes a huge mess.

I ask her to hand me a spoon to scoop off the top so I can get a lid on.  She says I just have to squish it on.  The foam will shrink! So I do just that and make an incredibly huge mess all over her counter.  I then dump out part of the drink on her counter so that the lid will fit on. 

I take a drink.

It tastes like ass.  Not Heidi Klum ass? but Rita McNeil ass.  Suprise suprise.

I walk around to the front counter. 

Tell them the girl sucks.

Demand my money back.

They hand me a coupon for a free drink with my money and ask what happened to make my "experience not the greatest"

Hmmmmm.......rage is flowing.....have strept throat.....just wanted a coffee because I got no sleep last nigh....trying to not kill someone......

Me: "Well, the girl didn't do as I asked, made too many drinks, blatantly ignored me, was rude and at this point I am ready to scream really freakin loud in here to make other people know how dumb you are, but as a business owner myself I understand that that is not cool.  So I will take me and my coupon out of here, tell everyone how much this whole experience sucked and not come back ever.  Thanks for making my day.  Have a good one."

And I storm out.

Seriously people.  This is not rocket science.  Can you seriously not just make a drink?

I WANT MY BARRISTA BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Screw this.  I am moving back.