I walked into my doctors office today to have him look at me concerned and ask if he can help me get through these next 10 months. Well, I guess we are down to 9 at this point.
I laughed. He had phoned me to come in for my annual checkup! But yes. If I look that rough, talk to me. I have now promised to start going to counselling again within the next month and he sent me home with Ativan for my anxiety.
Today? I could use it.
Rage. That is all I am feeling right now. If you don't want to hear about my day? Stop reading now. It is my blog and I can type what I want :)
6:45 am Woke up after a fitful night full of anxiety attacks and very little sleep. Should have know at this point that this was going to be a rough day. Got up in a good mood and ready to go!
7:30 Sat at Nissan with Husbands truck waiting to get a service done. Yup. There I sat. With an obnoxious man telling me that kids these days should all be shot and they are all abnormal. More parents should have abortions and what not. Wow. Just what I needed to hear.
10:00 Truck is done! Yeah. Hope they fixed it properly! I then headed to the bank to find out hey had lost my paperwork for a personal deal and we have to wait longer for things now.
11:00 Arrive home in a rush. Find out that the kid? Has done NOT A FREAKIN' THING! while I was gone. He had a list to do so that we could leave with Husband this afternoon on a road trip for a treat. Nothing is done. I am now raging. We have to leave right away to get to the doctors office. He takes his sweet ass time doing everything. I am now beyond mad.
11:15 Doctors appointments where he blames us for his health issues, won't look at the doctor, completely embarrasses me and makes me even more angry.
12:00-2:00 Spend doing running around that has to be done before we can go. Keep in mind? I have more work to do right now than I have had in a long time. I am stressed out and need a few days to work. I was taking this break to breathe and see some new scenery as I have been so stressed out and anxious lately. Big Red proceeds in pushing every last button! Complaining everywhere we go, being rude and ignorant and just making me wonder why I am even doing this!!!!!!!!
2:00 Arrive home. We have one hour to get ready to go and get all our packing and laundry done. Big Red refuses and then spends the rest of the afternoon ignoring me and not talking to me.
I feel like I spent all day doing everyone elses wishes and work and am now even more stressed out. I feel like I need to head to a hotel for a day or so to get away and get some work done. I am so beyond exhausted right now it is not even funny!
Question of the Day: Do we still go and make him come anyways because if I am home alone with him this week I might harm him? (don't worry. I know my limits and would walk away first)
Or do I just stay home with him, take my pills and fight with him for the next two days alone. He will be raging mad that we didn't go and take it out on me.
Husband just got home and I am letting him deal with it. I have work to do! And maybe packing to get done?
Some days I just want to curl up and cry.
Today is one of them.
2 comments:
I'm sorry this is sooo hard Dawn...I've had days where I just want to curl up and die. He has a way of making me feel like a complete failure. It is sooo hard to stay strong, positive and on his side. He will do anything in his power to prove you don't love him. You are doing a great job. I was hoping things would be easier, but then I look back over the past six years and I realize he is just acting the way he always does. It kind of makes me amazed that I'm still somewhat functioning, as a mom, after dealing with him for that long. God is my strength. This year I've felt so defeated and the only thing that made me keep going was to remember that God loves him more than I ever will. I may never be enough for Spencer but God IS! He is what Spencer needs. I am praying for you and Chad and Spencer sooo much! Hang in there!
Consequences suck because they usually punnish the "parent" as much as the child. If you don't give the consequence the child wont ever learn to obey. As crappy as it is you have to stick to your guns. If he wont do what he was required to do.. treat is out! You need a sitter and a night out. I miss you. Been working on getting a day in Edmonton so we could hang and vent. Call me and scream out your anger if you need to I can take it! Love you.
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