Seriously?!?!?!?!?!?!?

"PCOS symptoms tend to start gradually and often start in the early teens.
Frequently PCOS symptoms are mistaken for other medical problems.
With poly cystic ovary syndrome you may have only a few symptoms or many symptoms.
The symptoms of PCOS include, but are not limited to the following:"

• irregular or no menstrual periods
  acne
  obesity/weight gain/inability to lose weight
  breathing problems while sleeping
  depression
  oily skin
  infertility
  skin discolorations
  high cholesterol levels
  elevated blood pressure
  excess or abnormal hair growth and distribution
  pain in the lower abdomen and pelvis
  multiple ovarian cysts
  skin tags

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!!! SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Yes. This is me. I have been going to a lot of doctors appointments in the last couple months. I have been feeling off and it is annoying the hell out of me. I have always talked to my doctors about things and they always just go "oh....no big deal.....it must just be complications from your brain aneurysm". Funny thing. If you lie to the doctor and only tell them what you care to, they take you A LITTLE MORE SERIOUSLY!!! They send you for ridiculously large amounts of tests. They tell you that you have problems. They tell you you need to go for more tests. They tell you that you probably have cysts on your ovaries. They tell you that you might be diabetic. They tell you that you are fat yet need to lose a lot of weight but you have the 99% chance of having this lovely syndrome that makes it impossible to lose weight. They apologize to you and tell you that with the levels of hormones that you have in your body that there is a chance that you will need a hysterectomy. They tell you that you need a lot of testing, but oh yeah! You have to wait till the middle of January to have them done! Seriously? Are you freaking kidding me? I hate this. I am so sick of this. I am sick of having problems. I am sick of having health problems. I JUST WANT TO BE HEALTHY! I WANT TO BE NORMAL! I DON'T WANT TO BE A HIGH MAINTENANCE FRIEND THAT ALWAYS HAS PROBLEMS!

Things to be thankful for:

• answers. I will finally know why I cannot lose weight, why I am suddenly having acne problems, etc...
• answers
• answers
• answers

Funny thing. There is always something to be thankful for.

So, why do I not feel thankful?

Christmas Lights

Husband rocks.

He put up the Christmas lights while I was out getting my hair cut.

He rocks.

He claims that we are putting up more tomorrow.

I can't wait.

I wish I could have a million lights.

It is not going to happen.

Husband will not let me.

He thinks it is ridiculous.

He will also only put up all burning, straight lines, matching colors.

He is really picky.

I love him.

He puts up lights.

Do you put up lights? What colors? Do they all match? Are they all different? What designs?

A few favorite photos and things

Me standing on the boardwalk in Alicante, Spain. It was amazing. I love the ocean!

My husband. Need I say more? (isn't he so cute?)

Zoo's. I do not know why, but I love looking at animals.

Well made food. A black forest cake made a la Dawn!

My adorable puppy that likes to sleep like this in someones arms. She is so funny!

The beach at Treasure Cay in the Bahamas. Could it be any more beautiful?

The Grand Canyon. It is amazing! and oh so grand.....

Cirque de Soleil shows in Las Vegas. I have seen 4 of them and two of those twice! They are amazing.

The huge lilies in my flower bed.

I was looking through some of my photos tonight and was laughing at some, smiling at some, crying at some and decided to share some of them with you! Enjoy!

Husbands

For those of you that don't know.....I have been with my husband forever.

Yup.

Forever.

I kid....I kid.....

Husband and I started dating on April 5th 1996. A long time ago. He was sitting in front of me in Ms. Lee's social studies class. He asked to copy my homework and on the top of the paper, he wrote "will you go out with me"

Yes. I am a moron and still have the paper. I still smile when I see it. I said maybe as you can see. He was not very happy but I phoned him the next day at 3:14 pm and said yes. Yes I looked at the clock at that exact time to check. I am a geek like that. I did not know what I was doing. I was a good girl. He was the bad boy sport/jock. They guys that sat at the picnic tables and laughed at everyone and that everyone wanted to be with. I was terrified.

It was the best decision that I have ever made. There were good things and bad things but overall it was amazing. I dealt with sexual abuse, eating disorders, attempted suicide, family drama and a brain aneurysm in the time that we dated. Yup. A few little things. The poor boy! We then dealt with me going to bible school for a semester and him going to Katimavik for 9.5 months. That was nuts. I didn't know that you could really miss someone like that.

Husband asked my dad for my hand in marriage and he said yes. 11 days after he came home from Katimavik, he proposed with a beautiful ring and I said yes. He proposed at Ferry Island in Terrace, at 10:20 pm. It was amazing. He asked me and I said "maybe". He jumped up and went "what?!?!?!?!" and I laughed and kissed him and said yes.

I phone my mom. She didn't believe me. It was hilarious.

I will continue this another day. This is the start of our relationship. It has been amazing and rocky and a lot of fun.

I love my life.

I love my marriage.

To be continued.......

No title

Do you ever get annoyed at trying to figure out a title? I do. OK OK.....rant over.





If you don't want to hear how good I am doing....do not keep reading. If you want to feel depressed? Read in September.






















I am sitting on my couch, writing on my blog, sipping hazelnut hot chocolate and cuddling my puppy. All the lights are off except those from my Christmas tree. It is beautiful in here. I love it. I love my home.

I went to the psycologist today. I have been going weekly for the last few months. It has been amazing. I don't know if it has been so good for me because I am so stinkin' stubborn and was demanding a change in my life or if she is really that good, but I am doing good.

It was funny. She was asking how the last week has gone and I was "well, we went to the in laws for 5 days and that was tough, and I lost my job and unwanted/hurtful relatives came to my house for a day and night, and I had to cancel a vacation that I have waited months for....." at this point she interrupted me and was like "why are you smiling?". I stopped for a minute and thought....huh. It was really crazy! I realized that I am not drowning. For the first time in my life, I am not drowning. I am setting boundaries. I am taking control. I am starting a new path. I am doing good. I am getting healing. I am not getting more depressed. I am doing it! I AM SO FREAKIN PROUD OF MYSELF YOU CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have spent the last 20+ years of my life in a complete funk. I am pushing through it! I am fighting for me for a change. I am not going to be that person. I am going to stay strong.

My doc was so proud of me. "You are a completely different person from when I first met you. You have come so far and deserve it. You have worked so hard to get here."

I don't think she could have made me happier at that moment.

I am good.

I am going to continue to sit here. Sipping my hot chocolate. Watching the Christmas tree lights. Cuddling with my dog and smiling.


P.S. Yeah God! I am doing it!

Life

Life goes on.

I am doing good. I think/know that I have a lot of big decisions to make in the next month but I am excited for the future. I sat in my office today and thought "wow......I have no control of life right now and that is OK." I am at a point where I am trusting God to take care of me. No, I am not sitting around wasting time and not thinking and working toward my future, but I know that all things in life happen for a reason and I am really excited.

I finished my final Christmas shopping today. I finished all but one gift a couple weeks ago but man does it feel good to be completely done. I really like Christmas and now that that is done and the decorating is done, I can finally start to do the baking and planning. We are heading out of town for Christmas this year. We are heading to our old stompin grounds for awhile and I am looking forward to it. We have really connected and renewed old friendships in the last few years and it is making visits there happen with a lot more frequency. We enjoy them a lot. Who would have ever known that we would still be going back there to visit!

SO, I made the yummiest dinner tonight. You take red onions in wedges, sweet potatoes (or yams...the orange ones) in chunks, toss it with some salt and pepper and some olive oil and about 8 stems of fresh thyme, lay some seasoned chicken pieces on top and bake for 45 minutes. It is so good. Simple and fresh and healthy and good. The boys like it a lot.

I am doing good today. I feel like life is OK and that it will all be OK. There is a lot going on right now and that is OK. More sleep time needed and more steamed milk and baths needed as well. I am good though.

So, for those of you that read this, if anyone actually does :), and you know where I am going for Christmas, do you want to hang out? I would love it! I will be emailing people once I know where I am going and when I will make more plans then!

Gotta go! Gonna watch some TV and do some payroll and relax!

Later!

The final frontier.....

I am sitting in my office.

Pumpkin spice latte in my hand.

Staring out the window.

Not wanting to work.

I am supposed to be on holidays right now.

I am told I have to come in and work all day.

Doing final payroll for all the employees.

On Saturday.

On my days off.

Not wanting to be here.

I will miss this view.

The one from my window.

The blue sky and the big tank truck service across the street.

It is comfortable.

I know it.

The chair is molded to my ass.

I like it here.

Why does it have to change?

Why does one man's decision have to make such a huge impact on so many people?

I don't want to be here.

I want to do up my final cheque and leave.

My boss and the other owner (the one causing all the chaos) are coming in once I phone them and tell them I am here.

I have been here for an hour.

I have not phoned.

I am not sure if I will phone in the next hour.

I like the peace and quiet.

I am also really mad and not sure if I can be completely professional at this point in my day.

I think I might say some mean things to Man #2.

Maybe I should not phone for a bit.

This sucks.

I don't want to be here.

What is coming next?

Will it be as good as this?

I have to admit, the stress is a lot, but I am starting to get a little excited at the same time.

Worried about Husband.

He is not doing well with all this.

Kinda depressed and really bummed out.

Please pray for us.

Tough months ahead.

I want to go home and go back to bed.

It's Official.

It is official. Our jobs are done.

We get paid till the end of December. That is it. We are done. There are no other options for the company.

Now the fun stuff starts. What to do next.

Husband had worked there for 7 years and I was there for 5. A long time in today's standards.

I know what I am doing next. Just not sure when it will start.

I own a restaurant on the side and I am going to go there and work full time. I am going to fully immerse myself in that and see how it goes! It sucks because I am going to have to get rid of some employees that I really like and are good at what they do, but at the end of the day? I have to make the right decision for me and my family. Not theirs. Still hard though. This decision is not going to happen lightly.

For the husband. Who knows. He has a phenomenal resume and just needs to decide what he wants to do. He is a very talented man and good at a lot of things and he has some big decisions to make now in the next few weeks.

I am praying hard for him. It is a tough one. Part of the problem is that he can't do insane shift work, or be away from home for months on end. Due to his health issues, he also needs benefits if possible. Those are hard to find around here. There is a lot of seasonal work and so employers nowadays don't offer a whole lot.

On a happier note, I decided that he can't stop me. I am putting up my tree and decorating for Christmas today. I can't wait. I have a friend coming over later to help with that. I hope that it turns out good. He can just deal with it. I lost my job. Let me have some lights.

Overall, I am doing OK. I am stressed out right now but know that we will be OK. We will figure it out. We will deal with it. Just pray that we make the right decisions for our family and that things go really smoothly during all these transitions.

P.S. My dad lives with us and his sister and her husband are coming for a visit on Monday and Tuesday. I am not happy about this. This is the side of the family that kicked me out years ago and blame me for the fact that I was sexually abused. It is not fun and I am not looking forward to cooking for them and making beds for them and trying to be all lovely and civil. Especially with the last week I have had. I would like to tell them to screw off and stay at a hotel, but my dad has asked me nicely and I feel I should respect him. LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH.

Work.

So for those of you that read this, and I think that there are a few of you, life has been a little stressful lately.

Last week, we found out that the company we work for is closing. We were told that we had work until the end of the month and that was all.

Immediate stress for me. Bills, medication for husband and just life in general.

I received a phone call tonight from our boss who is in talks with another company in order to stay open and keep us with jobs. If this does not work out, we do have other plans in place to take care of ourselves.

I am feeling a lot better about what is going on. I do not know what is coming. I do not have any control over what is coming. I have no answers at this time.

I hate it. I like to make a decision. Stick with it and do it. Not have to think over and over and try to guess what is happening. I told my boss he has until Friday night to give me a timeline and some answers. He said that he would.

So, if you think of me this week, please pray that all will work out. If we do lose our jobs, it is going to mean a lot of changes in our lives and quite possibly some lives of other people around us. That is hard. I don't want to cause anyone else this kind of stress.

So....yeah. That is the story. I am a little less of a basket case tonight as I write this than I have been in a long time. I was a little nuts last week. A lot on my mind and not a lot of answers. I hate that. I think that I might be a little bit of a control freak. Oops!

I am coming back.

I have had an insane week. Trip was cancelled. Took a much smaller/suckier trip. Have a lot of life changes happening right now and am not sure what to write.

I have a lot going on in my mind. As soon as I get attention from a few people, I will write all about what is happening. If you really want to know? ASK!!! I will write you personally! I am nice like that.

I am doing good though. Things are good. Things are scary and there are a lot of changes happening, but things are going to be ok.


Later!

Trip

Isn't happening. Plans had to be cancelled.

I am really stressed out and sad.

No. It has nothing to do with Husbands health.

We will be ok.

I will post more soon.

Two years is too long.

Today we leave.

Today we take the first vacation with just the two of us in almost two years.

Today we run away and ignore work and spend some time together.

Today we fall in love all over again.

Tomorow we drive.....a long ways.

Tomorow we see husbands grandma for the first time in almost 4 years.

Tomorow our cell phones don't work and so we can ignore the world.

Tomorow is the actual start of this said vacation. Tonight we are just driving.

This week we will see some friends that we only seem to see in strange cities where neither of us live. We manage to take overlapping holidays at least once and year and it is not due to planning. We usually figure it out the day or two before and somehow get to see these people. We love them like crazy and can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!

This weekend we go to Seattle.

This weekend we go to the New Life Ministries conference there thanks to an amazing friend and her husband. Thank you. You know who you are.

This weekend we go to a place neither of us has ever been.

This weekend I will go to Pike Place Market. I have always wanted to go there.

Next week we go to Vancouver.

Next week I do all my Christmas shopping.

Next week we stay at a ridiculously expensive hotel for a few nights.

Next week we hook up with some long lost friends and family :)

Next week we wander the city and just relax and have a good time.

Next week we might go find husbands birth dad. No contact in 11 years.

Next week will have some good and bad possibly.

Next week will be amazing because it will just be us.

Next week I get to spend 24 hours a day with the most amazing man on earth. My husband.

I am really happy today.

I am glad that as of 8 pm tonight I can start all of this.

Smiling right now.....really big!

McMama

I am sitting in my office fighting back the tears.

Tears of joy! Tears of relief for someone that I don't even know!

I have been reading a blog for the last year or so. It is about a family that has four kids. The youngest one has had major health issues. He should not even be alive. I don't have kids and am not sure why I am so in love with this blog. My family laugh at me for reading it. But? I love it. Something about this woman touches my heart and her kids make me smile on a daily basis.

If you are interested, the blog is www.mycharmingkids.net

I have been reading a lot the last few days. There youngest son, Stellan, is now just over 1 year old and he almost died this last week. He actually flat lined today and yet he has come out of a surgery with not great chances to be alive and with results better than I could ever write. You can read about it. I don't have the words to describe it.

Do you ever feel such joy about strangers? I was thinking about this as I cried and prayed for this family earlier today. I do not know them. I only read this blog and yet I prayed as hard for them today and I would my own flesh and blood. I cried for them with joy at their good news. I laughed out loud in my office and praised God for their miracle.

I have spent too much of my life with not enough emotions. No, bitchy and feisty are not emotions. I am working on feeling my emotions and allowing myself to feel them. Husband is finding this kind of funny lately. I am seeing a difference though in myself.

I am going to go back to work now. I am smiling really big right now. I am really happy. I am hoping that the MckMama family is having an amazing night tonight. I am so glad that I got to witness a miracle. Even if only through the internet.

Thank you God. You are incredible.

Christmas

I am having a really hard time getting into the Christmas thing this year. I am not sure why. I am usually the one that has my tree up early and my presents bought and the lights on the house. This year? I couldn't care less. I don't know if it is because I am not home for Christmas this year, but it is insane! I went out with a friend the other day to do some Christmas shopping. We went to 11 different stores where they were selling Christmas stuff. Not just a few things. Two of the stores are ONLY Christmas. It was crazy! I DID NOT BUY A THING!!!!!

Husband is even wondering what is going on. I am not sure. When do you put up your tree? When do you start all the decorating? When are your gifts bought by?

I hope that I get into it soon!

I Miss It..

November 7

OK OK. I am all better. I decided that it should not matter what people think of me.

I know, I know. Easier said than done.

Today is insane. I had to go for a shopping run for the restaurant and for supplies for our trip.

MAD HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This town was insane. There were people everywhere! I swear the entire town decided to go shopping today.

But, I got the majority of it done. I can finish it all tomorrow once husband is home. I will make him help me!

I know. Lame post. But I posted! Hope you all have a great weekend!

Life

I am so frustrated today.

I am doing so good. Dealing with my crap. Living my life and loving it for a change.

My dad is driving me nuts.

He assumes and makes sure that he tells everyone I know that I only work about 3 hours a week. Are you fu**ing kidding me? 3 hours a week? Do you not live at our house?

It is driving me nuts. I know that this might be petty and stupid for whomever is reading it, but I work a hell of a lot more than that. I work over double that every day! 6 days a week!

He had to bring his truck in today to get some work done on it and then informed me that I was picking him up and dropping him off. Not a problem! I can do it! Of course! For sure I have already done my three hours this week!

YEAH RIGHT! I told him that I had time over lunch to do it. So, he informed me I was taking him out for lunch, which was fine, I have to eat anyways, but then he has phoned me all afternoon telling me that he wants me to drive him to his truck. I gave him mine for the day and told him to just go get the keys and now he is all annoyed at me. Nice. Isn't it? I started work at 9 am and have worked almost non stop and am still at the office. It is 6 pm. Oh crap.....now look what I have done....I will not be able to work for the next three weeks at this rate! What will I do!

Is is so wrong that I want a little recognition for what I all do? The fact that I cook dinner most nights, keep the bills paid, clean the house, do the laundry, grocery shop, take care of my restaurant, do my main job, etc....etc.... He was mocking me last night for commenting that I had a long day today so I was not sure when I could do his stuff with him and he actually laughed at me and mocked me and told me that I must be really suffering if I actually have to work today. Ummmmmm....hello? I have worked everyday this week! EVERY FRIGGIN DAY!!!!!!

Is it just me? Does anyone else deal with this? I own a business and have a job. How can he actually think that I only work 3 hours a day. He lives with me! I probably should not be annoyed. I just hate that he tells everyone this and then everyone looks at me like a lazy crap and that all I do is sit around and eat and watch TV. Not quite.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I think I need a vacation. Away from everything.

Only4 more days.....
Only 4 more days.....
Only 4 more days.....
Only 4 more days.....

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT KILL MY FATHER
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT KILL MY FATHER
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT KILL MY FATHER......

I should go back to work. At this rate, I can work all night and then take off until January!

Love my life some days.

Miss Paige

I would like to introduce you to Paige.

I hate dogs. I hate cats. I am not a mean person, I just am not a fan of other peoples pets! I will not come to your house and cuddle with your animals, unless it is a bunny. I will not love on them and pet them and tell you how adorable they are. I am not a pet person.

I have a dog. No, let me rephrase that. My husband has a dog.

A few years ago, he was really sick (as usual) and I couldn't sleep one night and was searching the Internet for possible health remedies. I came across an article on animal health. How animals give you something to live for and love you and can actually cause healing. Yeah. Right. I thought it was a pile of crap and the fact that I am allergic to most dogs and all cats, made me a little skeptical. Being the loving wife that I am, I decided to buy my husband a dog. He laughed at me. Can I be honest? I think that that silly dog might have actually worked to a degree. No, it did not make him perfectly healthy. But, it gave him something to take care of, she would lay on his stomach like a hot water bottle and sleep for hours when he did not feel good forcing him to lay still or sit for long periods of time without over doing it. Just the other day, he came home from work, was stressed out and she played with him and harassed him until he was laughing so hard he had tears! He looked at me and said "man, that dog is good for me".

She is a toy fox terrier. She has an attitude a mile wide and is spoiled rotten. She is a well trained dog. She doesn't beg, or bark or anything like that. She listens and obeys but is feisty and a little bit of a vindictive bitch when she wants to be. She is bigger than in the picture, but she is still only 6 pounds. She runs way too fast, can jump over the back of the couch, yet cuddles deep and loves us. She can sit, lay down and give hugs, kisses and cuddles. She is ours. I can't have kids and she is not my "child" but she is a friend to our family. She is one of us.

I guess I have to admit. I love that little dog.

Thanks Paige.

Sorry...

Boring post........

I have a lot going on right now, but not really a lot. So here are some bullet points for today.

• I am leaving in six days for a conference that I am reallly excited about.
• I am also visiting friends and family while I am gone. Really excited yet nervous about some of those visits.
• I started a new meal plan that includes one thing that we have never eaten in each week. Also, two new recipes a week. Last week we had sweet pototoes and yams (have eaten but never cooked with) and this week was Ghnocci. Super good. We all really like them. Now I need some ideas. What should I try cooking with? Let me know people!
• I decided on the weekend that I didn't like my office. I have not liked it for the last three years of living in this house, I just finally decided what I wanted. I painted three walls a dark charcoal grey and the other wall is a cool warm blue/green/grey. I accented with orange and black. It sounds awful, doesn't it? I will post pictures soon. I am done most of it. I have to paint a little orange and put up a picture and then it is pretty much done.
• I had blood work yesterday as you know and I have a really sore arm today. It sucks.
• I am hungry.
• I think that I am going to go eat a cranberry orange muffin.
• I am having frustrations with people at work. I really wish that people would just stop. I wish that people would give just a little more and spend a little time using their brains.
• I am tired. Really tired. I don't think that it is lack of sleep. I have been sleeping at least 8 hours a night. I think that I just have a lot on my mind. I really need a vacation. I can feel it. I can feel my body needing to get away from my life. I hope that we can actually get all the time off that we want and that we asked for.
• I think that I am going to go have a snack and watch a movie. Sounds good. No one is at the house right now so I get to just be me. This is not that common around here. I am enjoying it.

Hope that you are all having a good day!

You guys should comment more! Not a comment in days!

Sisters.

I have a sister.

She is two years older than me.

She used to hate that people thought I was older.

I have put her through hell.

We hated each other until a few years ago.

Now? She is one of my best friends.

We have had our difficulties. We have had our struggles. I need to set more boundaries sometimes in order to protect myself. I need to remember that she loves me. I need to remember that she struggles as well but is really working on changing.

I love her.

A lot.

We talked on the phone this morning and had he best conversation. We talked about my mom and our family and the fact that through all the crap? We still love each other so much and are here for each other.

She rocks. I am glad that she is in my life.

Thank you sister. Thank you for loving me and supporting me in all the changes that I am making in my life and for not making me feel like a mess.

P.S. No, we don't look alike!

P.P.S. I had to go get a whole crap load of blood work this morning. They had to use a baby/infant needle, they had to push it completely into my arm. To the point of indenting it in and holding it there. They took 7 huge vials. I was kinda scared. I think that I am going to puke.

Today

Difficult conversation. Hurt a little bit. Praying that things get better. Having an interesting evening. Had a really good day.

Have a tough day tomorow.

Tuesday will be good. I will make it good.

Painted my office today. I like it. It is almost done.

Going to bed. Gonna read a good book.

Goodnight.