Spaghetti and meat sauce simmering on the stove.
The door opened.
Husband was there.
He leaned over to kiss me and as I stood up I screamed.
I collapsed on the floor holding my head.
I tried to crawl away from him.
I wouldn't stop screaming.
He chased me through the house.
I was on my hands and knees.
This is where I start to forget.
I remember yelling "no...don't bring me there! They will give me needles!"
I was in so much pain.
We arrived at the hospital.
I was shaking.
I remember them trying to warm me up.
I was so cold.
I remember the pain.
Thinking I was going to die.
I remember crying.
I remember looking up and seeing the pastor, my mom, dad, Husband (boyfriend at the time) standing at the foot of my bed in shock.
I remember going for tests.
I remember talking on the phone to my sister when medivac was wheeling me out.
That is all.
There are only vague memories after that.
Bits and pieces.
A lot of pain.
And a lot of needles.
This day every year hits hard. I always wake up with a headache. I think as a reminder that life is too short. I am always scared of this day. Just a little. This day makes me remember the pain. The fear. The trauma of the whole event. I was almost 18. Madly in love. Grade 12. Living life. And it struck. I had a brain aneurysm.
|Boyfriend sitting by my bed while I slept.|
|Don't I look happy? I remember trying to smile for this|
|Just before I left in an outfit chosen in a panic by family. The hottie? My brain surgeon|
|Looking through photos from home.|
|What I saw every day. Sister, mom and dad. Such fake smiles.|
|In the first few days after. Kinda gross. I know.|
|Day 10. They washed my hair. It was a good day.|
|My favorite nurse.|
There was a 50% chance that I would have another brain aneurysm in the next 10 years. I am almost through 14. I have beat the odds. It still scares me sometimes. When I have headaches that won't leave for days. When taste buds go funny. When things don't "feel" right. I get scared. I was so angry after. Everything changed. The steroids made me fat. My eye color, skin color, hair color, personality....everything. It all changed. I forgot everything. I still don't remember a lot of things. I lost all my short term and lot of long term memory. Funny story. I remember sitting in the bathtub after I got home and was all of a sudden embarrassed. I had no idea what to do! What are all these bottles? What do you do with them? Such silly problems I had to face. And still do some days.
Husband saved my life that day. He kept me alive. He rushed me to the hospital and threatened a doctor to get me help. He found my parents. He was there. He stayed. Even when I changed. Even when he didn't recognize me. Even in a wheelchair. He stayed. Thank you. I didn't deserve you. I still wonder if I do.
I was so angry after. I was mad at myself and God and my family and the doctors. I was just mad. Why me? I would ask myself and God. Why? I still don't know. I am still curious as to why I went through that. It has changed my life in so many ways. You have no idea how NOT amazing grad was for me! Prom? Not fun. I got dressed up, went to the dinner, danced one dance and Husband brought me home and tucked me in. Wore me out for days afterwards. Wow. I spent my 18th birthday in the hospital. YEAH! I did graduate though! Only through pity, but I still did.
Will these fears ever leave? Does it mean I am not over it? Or is it just a healthy reminder to not dwell on the past and to live each day to the fullest. I think I am "over" it as much as I can be. Will I ever forget? No. Is it bad that I remember this day so clearly every year? I don't know. This year has kicked my ass when it comes to health and it started reminding me of that year. What a year it was. I still have a lovely scar. My skull is not all the way attached (some bone chipped out of the wired in section so it is a rough odd edge. It is attached though. I hope!) and I have a lovely indent where the cut was. I still have memory problems. I still have screwed up hormones and less immune system than I should. I still have headaches every single day.
But I am alive.
Brain aneurysm? I kicked your ass. Just sayin.