Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas world!

Hope everyone is having an amazing day!

Got the greatest gift ever. A photo book of the slideshow from our wedding. It is amazing. I will take pictures one day and post them on here.

I think I have strep throat. I will probably spend my night in the hospital.

That sucks.

Good day though. Time for breakfast!

Not cool

I am on holidays and I am sick. Not just a little sick. Like aches and pains, fever, puking, coughing so stuffed up I can hardly breathe sick. Today is day three of this. I am supposed to be singing and laughing and visiting and I am sooooooo sick.

This sucks.

But my hosts are gracious and love me and are doing everything they can to make me happy. I feel like a bum. I need a hot bathtub and a hot water bottle and a tv and a bed and some love.

This sucks.

Yup.

Not many updates happening.

A lot on my mind.

Roller coaster of emotions.

I will update soon.

Lots going on.

Good and bad.

Answers coming slowly but coming.

Soon..........I promise.



We are leaving tomorrow to go on holidays for a couple weeks. It is going to be a couple weeks filled with good friends, good food and a lot of driving. Really looking forward to it all. Have to get to sleep. Need to wake up in about 5 hours.

Soon. I promise.

Random Facts from A to Z

A - AVAILABLE: That depends :) but no, not really
B - BIRTHDAY: April 10, 1980
C - CRUSHING ON: my hubby
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: raspberry tea
E - EASIEST PERSON(S) TO TALK TO: Susie or Maiya, there are a few right now!
F - FAVORITE SONG: save a horse ride a cowboy!
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: health food store fruit gummies
H - HOMETOWN: so not actually putting this in here! It is the Internet!
I - IN LOVE WITH: my family and my friends
J - JUGGLE: just my life!
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Does anyone actually answer yes to this?
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: from Terrace to Disneyland
M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: A&W root beer
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 2 and 2 married ins and 3 in laws
O - ONE WISH: health...good health
P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: Dad
Q- QUICKIE: love them
R- REASON TO SMILE: I am leaving in 4 days for holidays!
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: the ones on my blog!
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 9:45 am :)
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: bright pink with white edges
V - VEGETABLE(S): everything but most squashes or eggplant
W - WORST HABIT: the Internet and TV
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: wow.....a lot! Too many to list. Probably pushing 40+ Yeah for radiation poisoning!!!
Y - YOYOS ARE: annoying
Z - ZODIAC SIGN:Aries? I think?

Random Questions About You:

Spell your name without vowels: dwn
Your favorite number: 21
What color do you wear most?: it varies on my mood
Least favorite color?: Yellow. Makes me look awful!
What are you listening to?: Husband giggling at whatever he is watching on his laptop!
Are you happy with your life right now?: some areas yes, others? hell no.
What is your favorite class in school?: Band
When do you start back at school/college?: I would love to go back to school one day! Decorating and cooking classes.
Are you outgoing?: Most days I think. Other days, quite shy!
Favorite pair of shoes: my winter boots. So comfy!
Where do you wish you were right now?: anywhere hot with a beach

THE CANS...
Can you dance?: when no one is watching!
Can I dance well? Husband says yes, I am not sure!
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: nope....not at all
Can you whistle?: sometimes
Write with both hands?: yes I can!
Neatly? not bad!
Cross your eyes?: Yes
Walk with your toes curled?: I can

THE DO'S:
Do you believe there is life on other planets?: No
Do you believe in miracles?: yes. definitely yes.
Do you believe in magic?: no
Love at first sight?: Love?Maybe. Lust, infatuation, attraction? Yes definitely
Do you believe in Satan?: Yes
Do you believe in Santa?: No
Do you know how to swim?: Yes
Do you like roller coasters?: Yes
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows?: depending on my mood. I have eaten some amazing things.

THE HAVES:
Have you ever been on a plane?: Yes
Have you ever asked someone out?: Yes
Have you ever been asked out by someone?: Yes
Have you ever been to the ocean?: Yes
Have you ever painted your nails?: Yes, just today! I really dark purple with gold specks

THE WHATS:
What is the temperature outside?: -38 degrees Celsius. Yup that is right. FREAKIN COLD!
What radio station do you listen to?:usually the christian station
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Original Joe's
What was the last thing you bought?:a new scarf and mittens, two sets actually!
What was the last thing on TV you watched?: Law & Order SVU

THE WHO'S:
Who was the last person you IM'd? probably Jethro!
Who was the last person you took a picture of?: my Christmas tree!
Who was the last person you said I love you to?: Husband

CRYING SECTION:
Ever really cried your heart out?: Yes
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: Yes
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: Yes
Ever cried over the opposite sex?: Yes of course
Do you cry when you get an injury?: only if it really hurts
Do certain songs make you cry?: sure
Are you a happy person?: I try to be
What can make you happy?: time with Husband, dates with friends and my puppy
You wish you were happier?: yes I do
Can music make you happy?: Yes

LOVE SECTION.
How many times have you had your heart broken?: A couple of times I'm sure
Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd die for them: YES!
What is your current hair color?: red/brown?
Current piercings?: one in each ear, but never wear earrings and my nose
Have any tattoos?: no but thinking of getting one
Eye color?: Husband says I have alien eyes. They change color often. I think they are a hazel/green right now.

IN A BOY/GIRL:
Favorite eye color: baby blue
Short or long hair: short and preppy
Short Or Tall: I love tall
Best clothing: jeans, flip flops and a t-shirt. Gotta have a baseball cap on.

HAVE YOU EVER
Been to jail: no
Mooned someone: yup!
Ran away from home: yes
Laughed so hard you cried: Yep
Cried in school: Yep
Thrown up in a store: yes
Wanted to be a model: no
Cheated on someone: no
Done something really stupid that you still laugh today: ummm let me think YES
Seen a dead body:yes
Gone skinny dipping: yes :)

THIS OR THAT
Pepsi or Coke: Neither
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's
Single or Group Dates: Both can be good
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Strawberries or Blueberries: blueberries
Meat or Veggies: a bit of both
TV or Movie: either
Guitar or Drums?: guitar
Adidas or Nike: which ever
Chinese or Mexican: Mexican. My favorite
Cheerios or Corn Flakes: Honey Nut Cheerios are the best
Cake or Pie: coconut cream pie baby!
MTV or VH1: depends on the show
White gold or yellow: yellow. Looks better with my skin tone
Night person or morning: Night


SO, a little bit of information for you! You should all copy it and post it on your blogs! I would love to learn a little more about you.

Not sure.

I am not sure what to think.

Good news? I got a phone call this morning and got to go in for my ultrasound today. I had to drink four and a half litres of fluids in two hours. It sucked. I almost peed my pants and it hurt really bad. Man, I can't imagine doing that one again soon.

Thank you God for the break. I needed something to happen. Life is just full of no answers right now.

It was weird though. The ultrasound technician kept asking me really weird questions and when I asked him why, he avoided my glaze like you would not believe. He then asked if he could take extra pictures for the doctor. He took pics of my kidneys and all kinds of things. It was weird.

Should I be concerned?

He then told me to make sure I phoned my doctor on Monday morning.

Yup.

Nothing is easy.

But, I am doing OK. I am kinda prepared for the worst and not sure what to expect. I know that I am thinking really negative, but if you knew my luck with these sorts of things? You would understand. Sad enough, even Chad asked what the worst that could happen was. Sad. I know.

Hmmmmmm........ wonder what will happen on Monday.

Hoarding

I cleaned my house today.

I got down on my hands and knees and spent a few hours making sure that the entire house was clean. It felt so good. Part of losing the jobs, was losing the house cleaner that came weekly. That was a sad day.

Tonight, I am watching "Hoarders".

Have you guys watched that show? It is so disturbing. It is about people that have OCD and are compulsive hoarders. It is crazy. I feel so bad for these people. I feel bad for their families. The one lady? She was so disconnected from her children that her son left for the war without saying goodbye.

I am sitting here watching it and thinking of some of my family. No one is that bad, but man alive! I wonder sometimes if I have a few hoarders in my life. My mom kept a lot. Everyone always said how organized and clean she was. When she died? We realized that she was just an organized pack rat. She had things that I won't even type here for the embarrassment of it. It was insane.

I try so hard to not be a pack rat. Husband throws everything out. It is almost funny! He hates mess and clutter and makes sure that he gets rid of a lot. I have gotten a lot better as well. I used to keep everything. I would keep crap that I had no right to keep! You should have seen it when I got married. It was nuts. I spent many days packing all my important crap. I packed it all to Husbands basement suite. He then made me go through everything and throw most of it out! It was infuriating and now I am so grateful.

Husband taught me to value the important things in life. To not keep the old cards, and papers, and clothes and things that people have given me. They are not important. The people were important. I have taken pictures of a lot of things that were very precious to me in my life. I now can look at them and see the memory instead of having it in the box in the basement that never gets looked at anyways!

I now go through my house at least once or twice a year and get rid of stuff. Things I don't wear, garbage, stuff that I could donate and that someone else would like. I give a lot of stuff away.

It feels good.

I love it.

I can't imagine living like that.

Insane.

Sad

I am not doing good today.

I had no idea the emotions that could come on days like this when you have finally started dealing with emotions.

I hate it.

I am on the verge of tears. I have cried so many times today.

I wrapped all my Christmas presents.

I just want to hug Chad.

He is off playing xbox with the roommate.

I hate it.

I need him today.

He isn't noticing.

I am not strong enough today to ask for help.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Tomorrow I will be happy.

I wish it was tomorrow.

Mom

Tomorrow was my mom's birthday.

She was killed in a car accident almost two years ago.

I miss her.

These last few months, I have been dealing with a lot. I am learning to set boundaries and all that other stuff. One of the things that I dealt with was the death of my mom and my forgiveness to her for all the hurt that I have. She might have hurt me and caused me a lot of pain, but she tried. She loved me in her own way and tried her hardest to do what she thought was right most of the time. I truly believe this now. Tomorrow is her birthday. She would have been 55. She was really young when she died. It was very tragic and hard to accept. It was insane. She was on black ice, lost control, and was thrown into oncoming traffic which happened to be a semi truck. He did everything in his power to avoid her. He tried so hard. The poor guy. I feel sorry for him. I heard later that he phoned 911 and that the call was insane.

Tomorrow was her birthday.

I miss her.

Waiting.

I don't do well with waiting.

I hate it.

I was supposed to go for my ultrasound today. I drank my two litres of water, waited all freakin' day, and then they told me I had to drink more.

Now I have to wait even longer. Hopefully I will end up with an appointment soon.

We have been asked by our boss to wait awhile longer to find out if we are getting a severance package. It is the difference between working two jobs in January and scratching by to come up with medication money this next year and freedom to work one job each and have breathing room.

We have also been asked to wait before we find other jobs while he tries to figure out if there is any way that he can possibly keep the company going. For some reason, we are not feeling like any of this is very fun to wait on. Spending a lot of time with a tummy ache right now.

I am trying to open another restaurant. I am putting together a proposal for a public building in town. I was supposed to know about the results by Christmas. I was now told that I have to wait till beginning of February.

Have I mentioned that I don't like not having answers? Do you think that maybe God is trying to teach me patience? Maybe? to trust him?

Hmmmmmmm................

Still don't like it though.

Seriously?!?!?!?!?!?!?

"PCOS symptoms tend to start gradually and often start in the early teens.
Frequently PCOS symptoms are mistaken for other medical problems.
With poly cystic ovary syndrome you may have only a few symptoms or many symptoms.
The symptoms of PCOS include, but are not limited to the following:"

• irregular or no menstrual periods
  acne
  obesity/weight gain/inability to lose weight
  breathing problems while sleeping
  depression
  oily skin
  infertility
  skin discolorations
  high cholesterol levels
  elevated blood pressure
  excess or abnormal hair growth and distribution
  pain in the lower abdomen and pelvis
  multiple ovarian cysts
  skin tags

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!!! SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Yes. This is me. I have been going to a lot of doctors appointments in the last couple months. I have been feeling off and it is annoying the hell out of me. I have always talked to my doctors about things and they always just go "oh....no big deal.....it must just be complications from your brain aneurysm". Funny thing. If you lie to the doctor and only tell them what you care to, they take you A LITTLE MORE SERIOUSLY!!! They send you for ridiculously large amounts of tests. They tell you that you have problems. They tell you you need to go for more tests. They tell you that you probably have cysts on your ovaries. They tell you that you might be diabetic. They tell you that you are fat yet need to lose a lot of weight but you have the 99% chance of having this lovely syndrome that makes it impossible to lose weight. They apologize to you and tell you that with the levels of hormones that you have in your body that there is a chance that you will need a hysterectomy. They tell you that you need a lot of testing, but oh yeah! You have to wait till the middle of January to have them done! Seriously? Are you freaking kidding me? I hate this. I am so sick of this. I am sick of having problems. I am sick of having health problems. I JUST WANT TO BE HEALTHY! I WANT TO BE NORMAL! I DON'T WANT TO BE A HIGH MAINTENANCE FRIEND THAT ALWAYS HAS PROBLEMS!

Things to be thankful for:

• answers. I will finally know why I cannot lose weight, why I am suddenly having acne problems, etc...
• answers
• answers
• answers

Funny thing. There is always something to be thankful for.

So, why do I not feel thankful?

Christmas Lights

Husband rocks.

He put up the Christmas lights while I was out getting my hair cut.

He rocks.

He claims that we are putting up more tomorrow.

I can't wait.

I wish I could have a million lights.

It is not going to happen.

Husband will not let me.

He thinks it is ridiculous.

He will also only put up all burning, straight lines, matching colors.

He is really picky.

I love him.

He puts up lights.

Do you put up lights? What colors? Do they all match? Are they all different? What designs?

A few favorite photos and things

Me standing on the boardwalk in Alicante, Spain. It was amazing. I love the ocean!

My husband. Need I say more? (isn't he so cute?)

Zoo's. I do not know why, but I love looking at animals.

Well made food. A black forest cake made a la Dawn!

My adorable puppy that likes to sleep like this in someones arms. She is so funny!

The beach at Treasure Cay in the Bahamas. Could it be any more beautiful?

The Grand Canyon. It is amazing! and oh so grand.....

Cirque de Soleil shows in Las Vegas. I have seen 4 of them and two of those twice! They are amazing.

The huge lilies in my flower bed.

I was looking through some of my photos tonight and was laughing at some, smiling at some, crying at some and decided to share some of them with you! Enjoy!

Husbands

For those of you that don't know.....I have been with my husband forever.

Yup.

Forever.

I kid....I kid.....

Husband and I started dating on April 5th 1996. A long time ago. He was sitting in front of me in Ms. Lee's social studies class. He asked to copy my homework and on the top of the paper, he wrote "will you go out with me"

Yes. I am a moron and still have the paper. I still smile when I see it. I said maybe as you can see. He was not very happy but I phoned him the next day at 3:14 pm and said yes. Yes I looked at the clock at that exact time to check. I am a geek like that. I did not know what I was doing. I was a good girl. He was the bad boy sport/jock. They guys that sat at the picnic tables and laughed at everyone and that everyone wanted to be with. I was terrified.

It was the best decision that I have ever made. There were good things and bad things but overall it was amazing. I dealt with sexual abuse, eating disorders, attempted suicide, family drama and a brain aneurysm in the time that we dated. Yup. A few little things. The poor boy! We then dealt with me going to bible school for a semester and him going to Katimavik for 9.5 months. That was nuts. I didn't know that you could really miss someone like that.

Husband asked my dad for my hand in marriage and he said yes. 11 days after he came home from Katimavik, he proposed with a beautiful ring and I said yes. He proposed at Ferry Island in Terrace, at 10:20 pm. It was amazing. He asked me and I said "maybe". He jumped up and went "what?!?!?!?!" and I laughed and kissed him and said yes.

I phone my mom. She didn't believe me. It was hilarious.

I will continue this another day. This is the start of our relationship. It has been amazing and rocky and a lot of fun.

I love my life.

I love my marriage.

To be continued.......

No title

Do you ever get annoyed at trying to figure out a title? I do. OK OK.....rant over.





If you don't want to hear how good I am doing....do not keep reading. If you want to feel depressed? Read in September.






















I am sitting on my couch, writing on my blog, sipping hazelnut hot chocolate and cuddling my puppy. All the lights are off except those from my Christmas tree. It is beautiful in here. I love it. I love my home.

I went to the psycologist today. I have been going weekly for the last few months. It has been amazing. I don't know if it has been so good for me because I am so stinkin' stubborn and was demanding a change in my life or if she is really that good, but I am doing good.

It was funny. She was asking how the last week has gone and I was "well, we went to the in laws for 5 days and that was tough, and I lost my job and unwanted/hurtful relatives came to my house for a day and night, and I had to cancel a vacation that I have waited months for....." at this point she interrupted me and was like "why are you smiling?". I stopped for a minute and thought....huh. It was really crazy! I realized that I am not drowning. For the first time in my life, I am not drowning. I am setting boundaries. I am taking control. I am starting a new path. I am doing good. I am getting healing. I am not getting more depressed. I am doing it! I AM SO FREAKIN PROUD OF MYSELF YOU CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have spent the last 20+ years of my life in a complete funk. I am pushing through it! I am fighting for me for a change. I am not going to be that person. I am going to stay strong.

My doc was so proud of me. "You are a completely different person from when I first met you. You have come so far and deserve it. You have worked so hard to get here."

I don't think she could have made me happier at that moment.

I am good.

I am going to continue to sit here. Sipping my hot chocolate. Watching the Christmas tree lights. Cuddling with my dog and smiling.


P.S. Yeah God! I am doing it!

Life

Life goes on.

I am doing good. I think/know that I have a lot of big decisions to make in the next month but I am excited for the future. I sat in my office today and thought "wow......I have no control of life right now and that is OK." I am at a point where I am trusting God to take care of me. No, I am not sitting around wasting time and not thinking and working toward my future, but I know that all things in life happen for a reason and I am really excited.

I finished my final Christmas shopping today. I finished all but one gift a couple weeks ago but man does it feel good to be completely done. I really like Christmas and now that that is done and the decorating is done, I can finally start to do the baking and planning. We are heading out of town for Christmas this year. We are heading to our old stompin grounds for awhile and I am looking forward to it. We have really connected and renewed old friendships in the last few years and it is making visits there happen with a lot more frequency. We enjoy them a lot. Who would have ever known that we would still be going back there to visit!

SO, I made the yummiest dinner tonight. You take red onions in wedges, sweet potatoes (or yams...the orange ones) in chunks, toss it with some salt and pepper and some olive oil and about 8 stems of fresh thyme, lay some seasoned chicken pieces on top and bake for 45 minutes. It is so good. Simple and fresh and healthy and good. The boys like it a lot.

I am doing good today. I feel like life is OK and that it will all be OK. There is a lot going on right now and that is OK. More sleep time needed and more steamed milk and baths needed as well. I am good though.

So, for those of you that read this, if anyone actually does :), and you know where I am going for Christmas, do you want to hang out? I would love it! I will be emailing people once I know where I am going and when I will make more plans then!

Gotta go! Gonna watch some TV and do some payroll and relax!

Later!

The final frontier.....

I am sitting in my office.

Pumpkin spice latte in my hand.

Staring out the window.

Not wanting to work.

I am supposed to be on holidays right now.

I am told I have to come in and work all day.

Doing final payroll for all the employees.

On Saturday.

On my days off.

Not wanting to be here.

I will miss this view.

The one from my window.

The blue sky and the big tank truck service across the street.

It is comfortable.

I know it.

The chair is molded to my ass.

I like it here.

Why does it have to change?

Why does one man's decision have to make such a huge impact on so many people?

I don't want to be here.

I want to do up my final cheque and leave.

My boss and the other owner (the one causing all the chaos) are coming in once I phone them and tell them I am here.

I have been here for an hour.

I have not phoned.

I am not sure if I will phone in the next hour.

I like the peace and quiet.

I am also really mad and not sure if I can be completely professional at this point in my day.

I think I might say some mean things to Man #2.

Maybe I should not phone for a bit.

This sucks.

I don't want to be here.

What is coming next?

Will it be as good as this?

I have to admit, the stress is a lot, but I am starting to get a little excited at the same time.

Worried about Husband.

He is not doing well with all this.

Kinda depressed and really bummed out.

Please pray for us.

Tough months ahead.

I want to go home and go back to bed.

It's Official.

It is official. Our jobs are done.

We get paid till the end of December. That is it. We are done. There are no other options for the company.

Now the fun stuff starts. What to do next.

Husband had worked there for 7 years and I was there for 5. A long time in today's standards.

I know what I am doing next. Just not sure when it will start.

I own a restaurant on the side and I am going to go there and work full time. I am going to fully immerse myself in that and see how it goes! It sucks because I am going to have to get rid of some employees that I really like and are good at what they do, but at the end of the day? I have to make the right decision for me and my family. Not theirs. Still hard though. This decision is not going to happen lightly.

For the husband. Who knows. He has a phenomenal resume and just needs to decide what he wants to do. He is a very talented man and good at a lot of things and he has some big decisions to make now in the next few weeks.

I am praying hard for him. It is a tough one. Part of the problem is that he can't do insane shift work, or be away from home for months on end. Due to his health issues, he also needs benefits if possible. Those are hard to find around here. There is a lot of seasonal work and so employers nowadays don't offer a whole lot.

On a happier note, I decided that he can't stop me. I am putting up my tree and decorating for Christmas today. I can't wait. I have a friend coming over later to help with that. I hope that it turns out good. He can just deal with it. I lost my job. Let me have some lights.

Overall, I am doing OK. I am stressed out right now but know that we will be OK. We will figure it out. We will deal with it. Just pray that we make the right decisions for our family and that things go really smoothly during all these transitions.

P.S. My dad lives with us and his sister and her husband are coming for a visit on Monday and Tuesday. I am not happy about this. This is the side of the family that kicked me out years ago and blame me for the fact that I was sexually abused. It is not fun and I am not looking forward to cooking for them and making beds for them and trying to be all lovely and civil. Especially with the last week I have had. I would like to tell them to screw off and stay at a hotel, but my dad has asked me nicely and I feel I should respect him. LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH.

Work.

So for those of you that read this, and I think that there are a few of you, life has been a little stressful lately.

Last week, we found out that the company we work for is closing. We were told that we had work until the end of the month and that was all.

Immediate stress for me. Bills, medication for husband and just life in general.

I received a phone call tonight from our boss who is in talks with another company in order to stay open and keep us with jobs. If this does not work out, we do have other plans in place to take care of ourselves.

I am feeling a lot better about what is going on. I do not know what is coming. I do not have any control over what is coming. I have no answers at this time.

I hate it. I like to make a decision. Stick with it and do it. Not have to think over and over and try to guess what is happening. I told my boss he has until Friday night to give me a timeline and some answers. He said that he would.

So, if you think of me this week, please pray that all will work out. If we do lose our jobs, it is going to mean a lot of changes in our lives and quite possibly some lives of other people around us. That is hard. I don't want to cause anyone else this kind of stress.

So....yeah. That is the story. I am a little less of a basket case tonight as I write this than I have been in a long time. I was a little nuts last week. A lot on my mind and not a lot of answers. I hate that. I think that I might be a little bit of a control freak. Oops!

I am coming back.

I have had an insane week. Trip was cancelled. Took a much smaller/suckier trip. Have a lot of life changes happening right now and am not sure what to write.

I have a lot going on in my mind. As soon as I get attention from a few people, I will write all about what is happening. If you really want to know? ASK!!! I will write you personally! I am nice like that.

I am doing good though. Things are good. Things are scary and there are a lot of changes happening, but things are going to be ok.


Later!

Trip

Isn't happening. Plans had to be cancelled.

I am really stressed out and sad.

No. It has nothing to do with Husbands health.

We will be ok.

I will post more soon.

Two years is too long.

Today we leave.

Today we take the first vacation with just the two of us in almost two years.

Today we run away and ignore work and spend some time together.

Today we fall in love all over again.

Tomorow we drive.....a long ways.

Tomorow we see husbands grandma for the first time in almost 4 years.

Tomorow our cell phones don't work and so we can ignore the world.

Tomorow is the actual start of this said vacation. Tonight we are just driving.

This week we will see some friends that we only seem to see in strange cities where neither of us live. We manage to take overlapping holidays at least once and year and it is not due to planning. We usually figure it out the day or two before and somehow get to see these people. We love them like crazy and can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!

This weekend we go to Seattle.

This weekend we go to the New Life Ministries conference there thanks to an amazing friend and her husband. Thank you. You know who you are.

This weekend we go to a place neither of us has ever been.

This weekend I will go to Pike Place Market. I have always wanted to go there.

Next week we go to Vancouver.

Next week I do all my Christmas shopping.

Next week we stay at a ridiculously expensive hotel for a few nights.

Next week we hook up with some long lost friends and family :)

Next week we wander the city and just relax and have a good time.

Next week we might go find husbands birth dad. No contact in 11 years.

Next week will have some good and bad possibly.

Next week will be amazing because it will just be us.

Next week I get to spend 24 hours a day with the most amazing man on earth. My husband.

I am really happy today.

I am glad that as of 8 pm tonight I can start all of this.

Smiling right now.....really big!

McMama

I am sitting in my office fighting back the tears.

Tears of joy! Tears of relief for someone that I don't even know!

I have been reading a blog for the last year or so. It is about a family that has four kids. The youngest one has had major health issues. He should not even be alive. I don't have kids and am not sure why I am so in love with this blog. My family laugh at me for reading it. But? I love it. Something about this woman touches my heart and her kids make me smile on a daily basis.

If you are interested, the blog is www.mycharmingkids.net

I have been reading a lot the last few days. There youngest son, Stellan, is now just over 1 year old and he almost died this last week. He actually flat lined today and yet he has come out of a surgery with not great chances to be alive and with results better than I could ever write. You can read about it. I don't have the words to describe it.

Do you ever feel such joy about strangers? I was thinking about this as I cried and prayed for this family earlier today. I do not know them. I only read this blog and yet I prayed as hard for them today and I would my own flesh and blood. I cried for them with joy at their good news. I laughed out loud in my office and praised God for their miracle.

I have spent too much of my life with not enough emotions. No, bitchy and feisty are not emotions. I am working on feeling my emotions and allowing myself to feel them. Husband is finding this kind of funny lately. I am seeing a difference though in myself.

I am going to go back to work now. I am smiling really big right now. I am really happy. I am hoping that the MckMama family is having an amazing night tonight. I am so glad that I got to witness a miracle. Even if only through the internet.

Thank you God. You are incredible.

Christmas

I am having a really hard time getting into the Christmas thing this year. I am not sure why. I am usually the one that has my tree up early and my presents bought and the lights on the house. This year? I couldn't care less. I don't know if it is because I am not home for Christmas this year, but it is insane! I went out with a friend the other day to do some Christmas shopping. We went to 11 different stores where they were selling Christmas stuff. Not just a few things. Two of the stores are ONLY Christmas. It was crazy! I DID NOT BUY A THING!!!!!

Husband is even wondering what is going on. I am not sure. When do you put up your tree? When do you start all the decorating? When are your gifts bought by?

I hope that I get into it soon!

I Miss It..

November 7

OK OK. I am all better. I decided that it should not matter what people think of me.

I know, I know. Easier said than done.

Today is insane. I had to go for a shopping run for the restaurant and for supplies for our trip.

MAD HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This town was insane. There were people everywhere! I swear the entire town decided to go shopping today.

But, I got the majority of it done. I can finish it all tomorrow once husband is home. I will make him help me!

I know. Lame post. But I posted! Hope you all have a great weekend!

Life

I am so frustrated today.

I am doing so good. Dealing with my crap. Living my life and loving it for a change.

My dad is driving me nuts.

He assumes and makes sure that he tells everyone I know that I only work about 3 hours a week. Are you fu**ing kidding me? 3 hours a week? Do you not live at our house?

It is driving me nuts. I know that this might be petty and stupid for whomever is reading it, but I work a hell of a lot more than that. I work over double that every day! 6 days a week!

He had to bring his truck in today to get some work done on it and then informed me that I was picking him up and dropping him off. Not a problem! I can do it! Of course! For sure I have already done my three hours this week!

YEAH RIGHT! I told him that I had time over lunch to do it. So, he informed me I was taking him out for lunch, which was fine, I have to eat anyways, but then he has phoned me all afternoon telling me that he wants me to drive him to his truck. I gave him mine for the day and told him to just go get the keys and now he is all annoyed at me. Nice. Isn't it? I started work at 9 am and have worked almost non stop and am still at the office. It is 6 pm. Oh crap.....now look what I have done....I will not be able to work for the next three weeks at this rate! What will I do!

Is is so wrong that I want a little recognition for what I all do? The fact that I cook dinner most nights, keep the bills paid, clean the house, do the laundry, grocery shop, take care of my restaurant, do my main job, etc....etc.... He was mocking me last night for commenting that I had a long day today so I was not sure when I could do his stuff with him and he actually laughed at me and mocked me and told me that I must be really suffering if I actually have to work today. Ummmmmm....hello? I have worked everyday this week! EVERY FRIGGIN DAY!!!!!!

Is it just me? Does anyone else deal with this? I own a business and have a job. How can he actually think that I only work 3 hours a day. He lives with me! I probably should not be annoyed. I just hate that he tells everyone this and then everyone looks at me like a lazy crap and that all I do is sit around and eat and watch TV. Not quite.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I think I need a vacation. Away from everything.

Only4 more days.....
Only 4 more days.....
Only 4 more days.....
Only 4 more days.....

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT KILL MY FATHER
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT KILL MY FATHER
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT KILL MY FATHER......

I should go back to work. At this rate, I can work all night and then take off until January!

Love my life some days.

Miss Paige

I would like to introduce you to Paige.

I hate dogs. I hate cats. I am not a mean person, I just am not a fan of other peoples pets! I will not come to your house and cuddle with your animals, unless it is a bunny. I will not love on them and pet them and tell you how adorable they are. I am not a pet person.

I have a dog. No, let me rephrase that. My husband has a dog.

A few years ago, he was really sick (as usual) and I couldn't sleep one night and was searching the Internet for possible health remedies. I came across an article on animal health. How animals give you something to live for and love you and can actually cause healing. Yeah. Right. I thought it was a pile of crap and the fact that I am allergic to most dogs and all cats, made me a little skeptical. Being the loving wife that I am, I decided to buy my husband a dog. He laughed at me. Can I be honest? I think that that silly dog might have actually worked to a degree. No, it did not make him perfectly healthy. But, it gave him something to take care of, she would lay on his stomach like a hot water bottle and sleep for hours when he did not feel good forcing him to lay still or sit for long periods of time without over doing it. Just the other day, he came home from work, was stressed out and she played with him and harassed him until he was laughing so hard he had tears! He looked at me and said "man, that dog is good for me".

She is a toy fox terrier. She has an attitude a mile wide and is spoiled rotten. She is a well trained dog. She doesn't beg, or bark or anything like that. She listens and obeys but is feisty and a little bit of a vindictive bitch when she wants to be. She is bigger than in the picture, but she is still only 6 pounds. She runs way too fast, can jump over the back of the couch, yet cuddles deep and loves us. She can sit, lay down and give hugs, kisses and cuddles. She is ours. I can't have kids and she is not my "child" but she is a friend to our family. She is one of us.

I guess I have to admit. I love that little dog.

Thanks Paige.

Sorry...

Boring post........

I have a lot going on right now, but not really a lot. So here are some bullet points for today.

• I am leaving in six days for a conference that I am reallly excited about.
• I am also visiting friends and family while I am gone. Really excited yet nervous about some of those visits.
• I started a new meal plan that includes one thing that we have never eaten in each week. Also, two new recipes a week. Last week we had sweet pototoes and yams (have eaten but never cooked with) and this week was Ghnocci. Super good. We all really like them. Now I need some ideas. What should I try cooking with? Let me know people!
• I decided on the weekend that I didn't like my office. I have not liked it for the last three years of living in this house, I just finally decided what I wanted. I painted three walls a dark charcoal grey and the other wall is a cool warm blue/green/grey. I accented with orange and black. It sounds awful, doesn't it? I will post pictures soon. I am done most of it. I have to paint a little orange and put up a picture and then it is pretty much done.
• I had blood work yesterday as you know and I have a really sore arm today. It sucks.
• I am hungry.
• I think that I am going to go eat a cranberry orange muffin.
• I am having frustrations with people at work. I really wish that people would just stop. I wish that people would give just a little more and spend a little time using their brains.
• I am tired. Really tired. I don't think that it is lack of sleep. I have been sleeping at least 8 hours a night. I think that I just have a lot on my mind. I really need a vacation. I can feel it. I can feel my body needing to get away from my life. I hope that we can actually get all the time off that we want and that we asked for.
• I think that I am going to go have a snack and watch a movie. Sounds good. No one is at the house right now so I get to just be me. This is not that common around here. I am enjoying it.

Hope that you are all having a good day!

You guys should comment more! Not a comment in days!

Sisters.

I have a sister.

She is two years older than me.

She used to hate that people thought I was older.

I have put her through hell.

We hated each other until a few years ago.

Now? She is one of my best friends.

We have had our difficulties. We have had our struggles. I need to set more boundaries sometimes in order to protect myself. I need to remember that she loves me. I need to remember that she struggles as well but is really working on changing.

I love her.

A lot.

We talked on the phone this morning and had he best conversation. We talked about my mom and our family and the fact that through all the crap? We still love each other so much and are here for each other.

She rocks. I am glad that she is in my life.

Thank you sister. Thank you for loving me and supporting me in all the changes that I am making in my life and for not making me feel like a mess.

P.S. No, we don't look alike!

P.P.S. I had to go get a whole crap load of blood work this morning. They had to use a baby/infant needle, they had to push it completely into my arm. To the point of indenting it in and holding it there. They took 7 huge vials. I was kinda scared. I think that I am going to puke.

Today

Difficult conversation. Hurt a little bit. Praying that things get better. Having an interesting evening. Had a really good day.

Have a tough day tomorow.

Tuesday will be good. I will make it good.

Painted my office today. I like it. It is almost done.

Going to bed. Gonna read a good book.

Goodnight.

Love it!

I love decorating. I am not sure if I am that good at it but I love it. I love painting and changing things and it makes me feel sooooo good.

So, I woke up this morning, made breakfast for my boys and me (my husband and Dad) and then decided I was bored. Husband and I decided to go to town to get groceries and somehow we ended up getting paint instead of the groceries.

Paint. I am insane. We then came home and we are in the middle of redoing the office. I spend a lot of time in here and I am so excited to have a really cool room. I am painting it a really dark grey and a lighter grey (aqua undertones). I bought a really cool art deco wall thing, and I am so excited. We ripped apart the closet and built new shelves which I love and we are starting the paint tomorrow. I will post pictures when it is done.

Husband thinks that I am insane. He loves me though and goes along with my little whims ;) I can't wait for it to be done. I need to find an IKEA for the curtains that I want, but other than that, I have everything. It is going to be kind of cool and modern but cozy and clean.


YEAH!

I know, this is a boring post, but it is what I am doing!!!

Changes.

The conversation happened. Changes are happening. Road trips are almost all cancelled. We are doing Christmas and the one in two weeks. That is all. This makes me sad. I know that it needs to happen, but it still sucks. We have decided to stay home, do some reno's to the house that need to happen, pay off some debt and just concentrate on us and friends and stuff.

Not sure I am sad or happy! We will see. At least I get two trips still.

Today was a good day. I got together with a friend and her children. It was awesome. I am so comfortable with her and I think that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We had lunch and visited lots and watched the kids play. It was awesome!

Tomorrow is going to be a good day. I have not slept more than four hours per night since Monday. I am finally feeling tired. Really tired. Deliriously tired. I am needing to go to bed soon. I am hoping that tonight is the night that I sleep all the way through!

Time to go have a long hot bath, some coconut steamed milk, and a good book and then bed.

Later people!

Opportunities

Huh......
What to do.....what to do....
Opportunities come and go in our lives. I like to think that I am pretty good at grabbing them and taking advantage of them.
Husband and I have had a few good ones come up in our lives and I like to think that GOD is guiding them. I like to think that they come to many people, it is just if you are looking for them and seeking them out that you see them.

I got handed an opportunity tonight. I said yes. I will find out in December if it will happen.

Are you ready? Wanna find out what it is? Curious?

Oh well.

Not telling you.












Just kidding!

So, I got an email from the franchise owner for the restaurant that I own. There is an opportunity to open a second one in my town. Not just a second one, but one in the new aquatic/wellness center. It would be the one source of food other than a sit down restaurant. The center will see about 1,000,000 people per year and there are insane amounts of people surrounding this building. It is in the middle of being built into a complex with a huge high school, an arena, a gymnastics center, and a whole pile of housing. It is also across from the field where a college campus is supposed to be built. Insane. It could be amazing. It is completely scary. I would have to sign on the dotted line in order to be part of this in the next two months. It would be open to customers in about 2 years. Crazy. It would make my life insane and bring me a lot of stress but also it could be amazing for my business. Husband mentioned at one point tonight in talking about it that we would have to make some changes. I would have a whole lot more work happening then now and I would have to quit some things or hire some people.

Scared. A huge fear of mine is that the "fear of failure will keep me from succeeding". This is something that I deal with all the time. I am always scared to step out and do something insane. People that know me will laugh at this because I am a pro at it! I do it out of fear of the above statement.

I am praying that it is a good decision for us. It is a financial insanity and it could be amazing or it could kill us financially in this economy. But what do you do? You just try and see what happens.

So, any words of advice? Should I do this? Should I not? Should I grab both reigns and go for the ride and see what happens?

We will see!

Two weeks.....

So, yesterday I hated this month but while writing, it kinda redeemed itself. But today.....I woke up with a smile on my face and realized......

IN TWO

WEEKS

TOMOROW

.......

I

GET TO

RUN

AWAY

WITH

MY

HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited! So excited that my writing got really really big!!

I know, I know, I am a little nuts ;) DEAL WITH IT!

Husband works. He works a lot. He started March 10th this year and has worked at least 80 hours a week since. Sometimes as many as 95 hours a week. It is insane. He loves his job, he in insanely good at it, and he gets paid pretty good so we put up with it. The perk, is that he gets paid salary and so he gets to sit on his butt for a few months a year. This time rocks. Big time! I booked us a trip this year so that he is done on November 10th. Work might actually not be done at this time, but because we are going to a conference, the boss has okayed it and so we might actually take of for a week or so. It is hopefully the end of the season for him. He will then sit on his butt (or work on the honey-do list) until next March or April. I love this time of year. It means that sooner, rather than later, we will be:

• Sleeping in together with morning cuddles
• Making dinner together most nights, and eating before 8 pm
• Gnd evenings watching tv, movies or hanging in the hottub
• going shopping together. Did you know that he has not entered a grocery store since March?
• Road trips. Many many road trips. To Vancouver, Vancouver Island, Seattle, Calgary, Edmonton, Winnipeg, Thunder Bay, Toronto....who knows where else?!?
• Christmas with some amazing friends in Terrace (add that to above list)
• Renovations in the house. I love renovations. They make me happy!

These are only some of the reasons that I woke up smiling this morning.

Two weeks. Only 14 days. A lot to get done. Love it.

October

So, I have decided that I don't like this month.

I know, I know. Everyone loves fall. I usually do too! Except this year, fall decided to end before this month. It sucks. I hate it!

I hate the weather. Seriously world! What is with this? Figure out what the hell you want and get it together!!!!!!

I hate the temperature. Do I wear a sweater....do I wear a jacket....do I wear a long sleeve shirt....do I wear a snow suit with gloves and scarves and the whole nine yards. I am chilled, I am hot, I am dry, I am wet.

I hate the clouds and the rain and the huge changes in temperature. I broke my back when I was twelve and have really bad arthritis in my hands. Such lovely issues to have in such huge weather changes. Can't sleep. Can't survive all this !!!!!

Ok, ok. I am done bitching. All done.

This month isn't all bad.

This is the last whole month of husband working non stop.

This is the month that I get to start dreaming up all the things that we will do all winter.

This is the month that I get excited to cook. Every year at this time. I try new recipes like crazy and buy really weird groceries. I love it. So do a lot of the people in my house.

This is the month that we have thanksgiving. The holiday where we sit back and eat too much food and spend a lot of time thinking about all the things that we are thankful for. Some years are good and some are bad. There is always something to be happy about though.

This is the month that my youngest niece was born. She is great! I love that kid to death! She is a complete monkey with an attitude a mile wide and she lives in her own little world. I wish that I could live there with her some days. I am lucky to be her aunt.

This is the month that the days get a little shorter and the nights a little longer. I wake up when it is dark and eat dinner when it is dark. It is kinda weird and cool all at the same time. It means that in summer, we get insanely long days. Light at 4 am till 11 pm. Nuts! But fun.

This is the first October in the history of me that I do not want to be dead. I am excited to be alive. I am on a journey to healing and I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!! I am happy. I am feeling lethargic and have no energy and no motivation and feel like I am in a slump. But.....I am happy. I am smiling a lot and thinking of all the good things.

October.

Happy

Husband is home. We are going to cuddle on the couch and do nothing all day. Love these days.

Changes

I like counselling. I like my shrink. I wish I could go every other day. I am a freak. I know. What to do.......

I went for my second session today.

It was amazing.

It is so validating to have someone who is a professional tell you that not everything that you do it wrong. That some things are actually good. You just need to learn to fill in the blanks.

So good, right?

Wow....could I be more cryptic?

One day, I will write all. One day.

Dinner tonight is going to be yummy. I am making breakfast! I love switching my meals around.

I am making a skillet of hashbrowns, scrambled eggs, chorizo sausage, red onion, green peppers, grated cheese, and fresh tomatoes. Super yummy.

Really bad shot, but super yummy. I also add fresh cilantro to mine.

Time to go! I will post again soon.

A little something less serious....

I have seen this on a few blogs, and thought it was kinda cool! So I decided to try it out.
Here goes...

20 years ago:
1. I was nine years old and way too developed
2. I had a really bad boy hair cut
3. I went to the Christian school for a year and hated every minute of it

10 years ago:
1. Became engaged to the most amazing man ever
2. I had a really long year of brain aneurysm recovery
3. I had dreams of being a wife and a mom and couldn't wait to start my new life as a married woman

5 years ago:
1. I thought that I was sooooo old. Really struggled with that birthday.
2. Husbands health was doing really bad.
3. I was in a job that I hated and was trying to find a way out of it.

3 years ago:
1. Husband and I started to really travel.
2. I bought my baby. My dog Paige. She is a toy fox terrier and the funnest dog you have ever seen.
3. I started thinking about my life and what needed to change.

1 year ago:
1. I bought a restaurant. The biggest learning curve to date.
2. We renovated our basement and made an amazing bedroom for ourselves and moved downstairs so that dad could have the master bedroom.
3. I realized that I could not do this a whole lot longer. My life needed to change.

So far this year:
1. I have travelled to Las Vegas, Terrace, Los Angelas, Laguna Beach, Banff x 3, Vanderhoof and Prince George. I am still going to Seattle, Vancouver, Vancouver Island, Terrace, Edmonton and Calgary.
2. I went to Ultimate Leadership and started a huge life change.
3. I started counselling with a local physcologist.

Yesterday I:
1. Made out with my husband. It was amazing!
2. Went to a movie with a great friend way too late and ended up awake till 4 am.
3. Spend a lot of time at work and got lots done. It felt nice.

Today I:
1. Got my period. I know I know....TMI! Get over it.
2. Tried all day to get ahold of WCB in Edmonton only to find out later that they were being held hostage and were not available! Kinda sad and funny at the same time!!
3. Will have a really long hot bath again and read a good book and maybe sip a glass of wine!

Tomorrow I:
1. Will get my hair cut and colored. Not sure what I should have done! Will find out then!
2. Go to my next therapy session.
3. Start guitar lessons.

In the next year I:
1. Will get a lot of healing. Will go to a New Life Ministries conference in November.
2. Hope to spend a lot of it really happy. Laughing a lot and smiling a lot.
3. Want to write a whole lot more of my cookbook. I hope that it happens!

Just wondering....

I was driving to work today and the thought entered my head..."why is it, when you are not going a hundred miles per hour, that you get instantly depressed?"

I have struggled with this for while. When I was 14, I was sexually abused by my uncle. I will not go into details at to what he did to me, but it was damaging both physically and mentally. The whole time he was doing what he did, he would whisper in my ear. He would tell me how much he loved my body and how he wanted to make it his, etc. This went on and on, for hours over a 2 day period. Mainly at night when everyone else was sleeping.

After we went home, I struggled a lot with hearing his voice. If it was ever quiet or lonely, I would hear his voice and feel his hands. I still do every once in a while. I realized today that this is probably why I like to read happy/romance/cheesy books before I go to bed. Why I read till I actually pass out, not just get tired. I want to fill my mind with happy love and I am also still a little nervous about falling asleep.

I have dealt with a lot since then, and evertime something goes wrong, I can ignore it in the day time, but once things are quiet (even in the middle of the day) or it is time for bed, my mind relaxed enought to actually release the feelings. When my mom died, I would wake up sobbing. Husband claims he hardly slept for a month or so, because of this.

I am finding that it is happening a lot more lately. If I am driving, but not on the phone or listening to music. If I am cooking, and not talking to someone or watching tv. If I am sitting by myself at all and just relaxing, these thought all come back to me. 29 years worth of negative crap and it attacks me. It eats me up! It is insane.

This is my year of healing. It started on September 20th and is going strong. I am allowing myself to feel. I am allowing myself to hurt. I am demanding healing and that I deal with issues. I am going to a phycologist and doing the whole therapy/couch thing. I want change.

I wonder how I am going to deal with this though? How do you stop yourself from sinking? How do you stop yourself from feeling and these thoughts that just won't stop coming? It scares me to actually live with these emotions that these thoughts bring. I am scared that if I try to deal with these issues, fully grieve them, that it will be too much and I will get too depressed and it will kill me.

I guess I will have to ask the doctor tomorow.

No title....

• Husband is home late from work. I hate that. No choice. Good thing it was only leftovers night.
• I am going to a movie with a friend tonight. Really excited.
• I am dealing with a WCB scam case at work right now and it is not bringing out the best in my personality.
• I am liking the weather right now. I like wearing sweaters. I think I need some new sweaters.
• I want it to be a month from now so that I can actually see my husband more often.
• I have a lot of stuff I should be doing right now and am spending way too many hours sitting or laying on my couch and watching Castle and the Mentalist.
• I have actually made a lot of the meals on my meal plan.
• I am tired.
• I am having a hard time with my depression.
• I am going to counselling again this week. Thursday.
• I also have a hair appointment that day. Husband wants me to stay blonde, I want some color. Maybe some crazy streaks?
• I am wanting to kill my roomates. Sometimes. Once winter hits, this will get better.
• The business at the restaurant is hopefully picking up.
• I drink a mug of hot coconut milk everday. I love it. It makes me smile.
• I have been eating a cheddar/jalepeno wrap with scrambled eggs, chorizo sausage, cheese and cilantro every morning for breakfast. It is a good start to a day.
• I am in love with my husband and have been making out with him a lot this week ;)
• I like bullet points.
• It makes it easier to not have to write a lot of sentences and paragraphs.
• I am craving spinach dip.
• I would like wings.
• I am working really hard on staying happy and positive this week.
• I am finding it easier than you would think.
• My dog has chosen a spot on the couch and actually swats me with her paws and gets mad at me if I sit in it. Absolutely hilarious. My dad thinks my dog is nuts.
• I am going to go fluff my hair.
• Wow. That sounded retarded.

Meal Planning

I am trying to do meal plans for the next few months. I get so caught up in work and life and it is so easy to just ignore cooking and eat out! When you own a restaurant and eat for free it is hard to not want to just eat there. So, I am going to write on here what my meal plans are for the weeks and we will see how many I actually cook!

This week, I am planning to make:

• Spinach, ricotta lasagne and five cheese garlic toast with a tossed salad (tonight...I can smell it cooking!!! YUMMY!)
• Egg, chorizo and cilantro wraps with a fruit salad (I love breakfast food)
• Roast beef with yorkshire pudding, garlic mashed potatoes and candied carrots
• Corn Chowder and homemade bread with butter
• Chicken Taco Salad

I think that that is it. I only pick five nights when I do meal plans. I find that either we eat out or we eat leftovers at least two nights a week so it makes no sense to plan for all 7. I then get really annoyed and discouraged that I only cooked 5 nights instead of 7. Lowering your expectations for yourself is sometimes nice! It keeps you from being dissapointed!!!

Time to go eat!

What do you guys eat? What kind of meals do you eat? Do you do meal plans? Let me know!

Thanksgiving.....

My amazing aunties...love these ladies!

My stunning niece! With an attitude a mile wide but a heart of gold.

My mom's grave. I spent a lot of time there this trip crying and starting my healing process. It was incredibly hard but good. I brought her an angel and some new flowers, cleaned up some weeds and rearranged some decorations that were there.

My crazy nieces! We had two dance parties over the weekend. They were so much fun. I can't wait to see these girls all grown up. They are going to be a blast!

Mount Robson. I saw this on my way from Edmonton to Vanderhoof. I have hardly ever seen it with no clouds on the top of it. You can usually see only the bottom half. It was awesome!

I went out of town for Thanksgiving and left my boys at home! I had a good time. Dance parties with the nieces, good food, amazing family and a lot of healing. I am on an incredible journey and I cannot wait to see where I am at in a few years or even a few months! I hate loading pictures on here, they are never in the right order! Oh well. This works.

I started my counselling with my phsycologist this week. It was awesome. I have so much hurt and so many things that make no sense to me. It was really nice to hear from someone that I am not losing it! That I am not broken! She confirmed so many things for me and made me feel like I am not the only freak out there! A lot of feelings were validated. I walked away feeling even more hope. I am going back next week! I am going weekly from now on. It will be good for me.

In other news, an amazing friend is sponsoring my husband and I to go to Seattle in November for a "New Life Ministries" weekend. It is hosted by Steve Arterburn. He is the guy that writes "Another Man's Battle" and that whole series of books. I am really excited to go. Husband and I are pretty pumped to get away and spend some time together. I think that we might go find his birthdad and his grandma on the same trip. It should be good.

So, I hear that people are actually reading this thing. Could you guys please comment? I am just curious!

Later people!!!

Me.

Not creative enought to make a title today.

I had an amazing weekend. I visited and saw amazing people and spent a lot of time really talking to a lot of my family. I was sick the entire time and tried to pretend to be healthy. Not sure it worked.

I am sick now. Really sick. I am sitting on my couch and trying to build the energy to go have a hot bath and go to sleep. I will make a bigger post tomorow with pictures of my weekend.

I hate being sick. Chad can't even take care of me or give me any attention because he can't get sick from me. That sucks. So, I am going to go whine to myself and stop it on here.


Later!

Tomorow.

I am so excited for tomorow. I am going out of town to see a Chris Tomlin concert. I can't wait! I went to this same concert in Las Vegas in March and it was incredible. I loved it.

I am then going to visit family for the weekend for Thanksgiving. I am really looking forward to it. I have not seen them in a lot of months and I need to go.

While I am there, I am going to go to my mom's grave. It is high time that she and I have a conversation. I have some healing to do and some crying to do. I can't say that I am looking forward to this, but after the UL Conference that I went to, I know that I need some help. I also need some counselling.

I am looking forward to going to do all this. It will be good. I will let you know what is going on.

Later!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Husbands

I am annoyed. I think that it is justified. Maybe not.

My husband works all the time. He starts work at 5 am and works until 8 pm every night. He does this 6 days a week from April till end of November. It sucks. He loves his job and I understand that but I miss him. I want to spend time with him. I love him and want to be with him!

He had the day off today. The weather was so gross that he actually got to stay home today. So, what did he do? I had a date this morning with a friend and he said to still do it so that he could get his stuff done that he needed to do. Then we would hang out. So, right before I get home, at set time, he leaves with our roomate and informs me he will be back in 3 or so hours and that he didn't do anything else that he said he would do and so now he has to do that this afternoon if he ever comes home.

Mad. Kinda mad.

Dissapointed.

Is this justified? He says that we can hang out tonight, when I have a pre-set date to go to the movies with a friend.

Kinda feeling left out.

At what point do people grow up?

I love my job. Some days. I work for a road building company as an NCSO (National Construction Safety Officer) and the office manager. I am a busy girl most days. I teach WHMIS and TDG and FLAGGING and do all the bookkeeping. In my spare time (laughable I know) I own a restaurant. I do all the bookkeeping there, I do the schedules, some of the orders, I work there at times, I am the go to for everything. I am a busy girl.

Today was a day. The boys at the roadbuilding place are all in the midst of the worlds biggest cock-fight! I swear! These guys are the most immature people I have ever met! One guy threw some garbage on the ground. Another guy called him on it. They almost ended up in fisty cuffs! It was amazing! We actually had to talk four guys down from having a fight. These guys are not all 18. They are all 25+. I am amazed. When are they going to grow up? Is this for real?

Then, at the restaurant, a girl didn't show up for her shift. Whatever. This happens. But, when someone finally got ahold of her? She had a family emergency and is leaving town. No timeline, no nothing! Why didn't she at least call me? I was raised that you tell your boss what is going on. I am going to have to let her go I think. This is about number 15 of her pissing me off since I hired her. She is just dead weight. I am so frustrated.

But on another note, even with all the crap that has happened this week, and today was just a minor day, I have been happy! Tired, but happy! I am doing ok! I am terrified that I am going to fail and get really depressed and fall back to where I was. I got another email from a "green" today (by the way, greens are the people in my group at Ultimate Leadership) and it made my day! I was sad to hear that she is struggling but was so happy to know that she cares! I know that that sounds so odd, but it is good.

I start guitar lessons tomorow. I am excited. I worked out 3 times this week. I have made a good dinner every night. I am getting everything done and it is feeling good. I feel overwhelmed though at the idea of everything else that I have to do this next week.

Time to go! I am going to go cuddle my husband and watch some episodes of House.

Later!

All done.

Well, I am home.

I am alive.

I have hope.

For the first time in a long time.

My boss asked me today if I am fixed. I laughed! NO!!! I am not fixed. I have hope, I have a plan, and I have a support group of safe people surrounding me now so that I can finally GET fixed. I am so excited.

Part of the week was that we had to create an action plan. It was hard. We had to pick three or four things to do that would help us become who we want to be. I know that this sounds loopy, but it makes sense. We tend to not do things for us. The things that make us happy. We also talk ourselves out of the things that we should do or want to do. I am starting to change that.

My action plan:
1. Start walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes, 5 days a week.
2. I am going to read for at least 30 minutes, 5 days a week. Not trash, but the bible or a book that will help me grow in my faith and in my leadership.
3. I am going to take guitar lessons.
4. I am going to start going to counselling. Not just light stuff but an actual phsycologist.

I am really excited. I will be working on my heart, my mind, my body and having fun. It will be good. I started this week. I am doing good so far.

I have to admit that I am scared, but at the same time, I have a lot of support and that is good. That is a nice change. It is amazing when you ask for help, people give it to you.

I am not looking for some more safe people in my life. People that would be willing to be my friends, but would also keep me on track and just love me and support me. To pray with and talk with and to be able to ask for help if needed. If anyone reads this and you pray, could you pray that I find some more of these people?

Time to go to bed. I will write more soon on everything that I learned and dealt with this last week.

Later!

UL.....Day 4

How can I be this angry? How can I have this much hurt? It started at such a young age and it has continued for so long! I feel ready to explode.

John Townsend prayed with me today and asked for my contact information. He wants to find me a phsycologist. Ouch. I knew I needed it, but to be told by someone like that was kinda tough. He then told me that I need a long term person. That I need to go at least 2 times a week and for a few years minimum.

How do I tell people that? How do I deal with the backlash? For some reason, a lot of people that I know think that therapy if for idiots.

Well world? I AM AN IDIOT!!! I guess.

I am tired. I am tired of feeling this way. I want this week to end. I want to go home and start the changes that I need in my life. I need some. I need to make some boundaries. It is time that I start protecting me. My time, my heart and my values. I need to add some growth to my days. I need to start a schedule. I need some changes.

Now to actually do them.

Anyone want to be my accountability person?!?!?

UL.....Day 3

I do not even know what to think about today.

I do not know what to write.

Amazing things have happened in the last 12 hours.

Wow.

UL.....Day 2

What a day so far. The day started off with a teaching time with Dr. Henry Cloud. Man, what a guy. I wish that I could just spend about a month in his presense learning all that he knows. It would take a lot longer than that though.

I have never felt so broken. In our first process group I thought I was gonna die. I finally admitted some of the anger towards my mom. That was hard. I am soooo mad at her. I don't even know how to describe it. If I could talk to her it would probably include:
~ I hate how you were never proud of me
~ I hate that you could never just except me for me!
~ I hate that you had an issue with my weight and could not get past it to see the real me
~ I hate that you favored my sister and brother so deliberatly
~ I wanted a mom to love me
~ I wanted a mom to nurture me
~ I wanted a mom who would not blame me for all her hurts as well as my own
~ I wanted a mom who would just take care of me
~ I wanted a mom who would believe me when I spoke
~ I wanted a mom who was not angry at me all the time
~ I wanted a mom who could say I'm sorry

I will never have that person. I am angry. I am hurt. I wanted more.

I can't be like this forever. Through the grace of God I was saved. Through the grace of God, I am here today. I SERVE A GOD WHO IS ABLE!!!!!

I SERVE A GOD WHO IS ABLE TO KEEP ME FROM FALLING
A GOD WHO WILL DO EXCEEDINGLY
A GOD WHO WILL NEVER LEAVE OR FORSAKE ME
A GOD WHO WILL NEVER LEAVE

Dear Lord,

I am asking right now that you will heal me. That you will do a miracle in my heart and allow me to fully forgive her for what she never was. I ask that you will fill me with your love and with a peace. That you will do a good work in me and replace the hurt with joy. Thank you for being the God that you are. Thank you for the opportunity to be with me in this week. Thank you for my group. Thank you for the wisdom and acceptance that I am recieving from them. Thank you for the love and support and lack of judgement that I am getting. Lord, I ask that you would take this broken person that I am and make me whole. Help the anger to leave. Help the tears to actually wash away the pain. I love you Lord.

In Jesus name,

AMEN

UL.....Day 1

Today was the start of Ultimate Leadership. We registered at 4 and then sat around in the airconditioned room until dinner at 5. We had dinner and then came to the board room for the first of the sessions.

It was a learning session. What the conference would be, some stories from past years, what to expect, what teams we were on and got our schedules.

I am in the green team. I feel so out of place! They are all big business owners and CEO's and have kids older than me. There are one or two in their late 30's but that is all! My group is 7 people. Three girls and four guys. There is one really quiet guy that just sits and stares at you in a really intimidating way. I kinda like him! I am not sure why! I will stare him down yet!

This week is going to rock. I already bought some books. You can get them here for the american price minus 15% which is like half the price of at home. I might need a second suitcase to bring home all my crap.

The books that I have bought are:
~Boundaries
~Hiding from Love
~9 things you simply must do to succeed in love and life
~Loving people-How to love and be loved
~12 "Christian" beliefs that can drive you crazy

I have a lot of reading to do. I can't wait to read some of them. I swear looking at the book table was like looking at my screwed up brain but with hope and answers to my problems. Kinda crazy. The one nice thing about everyday is that you have a one and a half hour break everyday where you can run away from it all and focus on what you have learned.

I am really excited about tomorow. I talked to husband tonight and he says that he will come back with me next year if I want to come again. I think that might just have to happen!

Till tomorow! (I have to be at breakfast at 7 am!!!!!)

P.S. I keep getting told how incredibly cute my accent is! One lady told me that she could listen to me talk all day! Too funny!

Today.....

I have decided that I could live in Beverly Hills. I wish that I had the body and the money needed to shop on Rodeo Drive. I just about got run over trying to take this picture!!

Below is my favorite street. It had the most amazing houses. Very hacienda style with amazing landscaping. I love them! I could have taken pictures of them all!


I went to Disneyland. I went to the Rainforest Cafe for dinner. It is always amazing! I love it! I have been there a few times. I went to get pictures with Mickey and Minnie! Mickey totally mauled me! It was kinda funny! His face is stinkin hard! It kinda hurt! Oh well. Thought of grabbing his butt but decided not to.

I have never really noticed this sign before. I read it today though and thought that it fit really well with my life right now! Who would have thought that Disneyland had something inspirational for me to read.

This was me driving in rush hour yesterday. I was an idiot and tried to get from north LA to Laguna Beach during rush hour. It took me almost 4 hours to get to my location and I spent most of that drive going 10 miles per hour. It was painful! But I am here.

Everything starts tomorow. I am kind of excited! I think that I will sleep till I naturally wake up for starters, then go find some breakfast! I am planning on just checking out Laguna Beach tomorow and taking some pictures of the ocean. This is a really beautiful place and I would like to spend a little time finding some cool places that I can run away to later in the week when I need a change of pace.

The place that I am staying is nice. It has a bedroom, bathroom, living room, dining room and a full stocked kitchen. I am going to go get few groceries tomorow so I don't have to eat out every night. I think that I will not want to eat out every night this week. It would be nice to have some snacks as well.

Time for bed.....I am tired.

Later!